Heathen summer

[DieterM]

Here we drive, on this dry road,
Winding through Summer County,
Air streaming through the car
And bringing the shadow taste
Of olive trees, argentine,
The briny whiffs of waves,
The ripe caresses of dates
And limes and wine,
Wheels raising dust,
A blackness shaped like
Your hand blotting out
The pagan whiteness of the sun
While with dry lungs we sing
The cicada song

[Hawkman]

Hi Dieter. Lot's to like in here - lovely imagery. You might want to take a look at the punctuation though. Without a full stop delimiting sensuous stimuli, we are treated to the taste of wheels - which doesn't quite work for me :) You see, as one sentence everything is the "shadow taste", including the blackness shaped like your hand. try this:

"We drive on this dry road,
Winding through Summer County,
Air streaming through the car
And bringing the shadow taste
Of olive trees, argentine,
The briny whiffs of waves,
The ripe caresses of dates
Of limes and wine,
And wheel-raised dust.

A blackness, shaped like
Your hand, blots out
The pagan whiteness of the sun,
While with dry lungs, we sing
The cicada song."

Love it.

Live and be well - H

[miyako73]

Perfect, DeiterM. As far as my reading goes, it does not need even a minor revision. the absence of commas is understandable. long lines are like French kisses--they make you gasp for breath. The last line makes your poem morbidly sensual/sexual. It could be a prelude to an outdoor sex and a car crash afterwards. cicadas sing, mate, and die.

[DieterM]

Hiya, Hawkman, glad you landed well in 2014! And fair enough, your comment on the intrinsic nature of grammar throughout a poem that consists of only one sentence is, of course, more than valid, as is your version with a bit more full stops. I sometimes do get carried away, or else I've been proofreading too much lately and have run out of commas (because, Jeez!, did I need loads of them!!!)
miyako, be greeted as well and welcomed warmly in this new year! Oh, and of course, I'm very happy you liked the poem as it was, French kisses included ;-)

[Jerrybaldy]

Evocative and well crafted, Dieter.

[Haunted]

It's just so nice how the poem takes the reader down their own dry road and everything feels so real with every word

[virtuoso]

I like the carpe diem day trip. You savor the carnal essence of mother earth, while dodging its unseen furies. I agree with miyako on the cicada song. The hedonistic frivolity is here then gone. Carpe diem, my friend!

[Jerrybaldy]

Well if you won't bump it I will.

[DieterM]

Hi Jerry, haunted, virtuoso; I didn't want to bump this thread, giving other pieces the chance to be read and appreciated, but it would be impolite to not thank you all for stopping by and commenting, and even more so as you seem to like my little poem. And as Jerry has already done the bumping for me – thanks, my boy! –, I can say "Why, cheers, thanks a lot" without bad conscience ;)

[AuntShecky]

Attractive phrases -- "the shadow taste of olive trees" and "briny whiffs of waves," plus the real-life touches (like sticking the hand out the car window) make this one evocative and resonant.