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Hwo Thumb
01-06-2014, 10:20 PM
A short story I cooked up this afternoon. It's just to get practice, but I figured I'd post it for some feedback. Tell me what you think, constructive criticism is welcome. I think this story has a Vonnegut kind of feel to it, which is different from my usual work, so I'm eager to hear if it works.


My name is Mr. Catmull, and I make people better.

Men have walked into my office and gods have walked out. I have repaired broken bones and broken brains. I have saved more lives then I care to count. People come to me for everything. The athletes want reflex boosters and muscle enhancers. The academics want memory augmentations and neural sharpeners. The pretty ones want their faces torn apart and put back together anew. And, of course, there's the rich men. They always want the same thing. I give them wings. Beautiful constructs, each bio-engineered from a cluster of cells to grow into something amazing, something that robs gravity of its hold over a man. The rich men want wings, I suppose, simply because they can have them. Perhaps it's something else too; They've been on top of the world so long, they want to go higher. And my wings are not held together with wax. The powerful men can go as high as they like. The sun holds no danger for them.

Once a man, a very paranoid man came to me with a special request. He wanted microkevlar installed in his skull. It took hours to stitch him a bulletproof head. My work and his money paid off. A few days later, he survived three shots to the head, due to the shield I gave him. I still don't know who shot him or why. I do know that my work is fallible. The brain damage my client had received from his injuries drove him insane. I turned on the newscast one morning to see his face on a bulletin, next to the words, "The Bulletproof Man goes mad: Shooting spree in Daley Plaza leaves twelve dead, seven injured." The man was killed by the police in the shootout. He did not think to invest in a bulletproof heart.

People ask me if I blame myself for those thirteen deaths. I say, "I make people better. What those people do with my gift is none of my concern." I tell everyone, including myself, that this incident was not my fault. It was the fault of the paranoid man, and the fault of the man who put those three slugs into his head. Not enough to kill him, but still enough to destroy him. I tell myself this, but I will never convince myself of it.

My name is Mr. Catmull, and I make people better.

But I cannot change what we are.

Edit: Vaguely reminds me of a River Tam line from Firefly:
"I hate [my sanity] because I know it'll go away! The sun grows dark and chaos has come again. It's... fluids. What am I?"
I'm not entirely sure why that came to me, but it's a great line from a great show.

Delta40
01-07-2014, 12:01 AM
I make people better has a healing quality to it. Does this interfere with the aim of your statement?

Hwo Thumb
01-07-2014, 12:30 AM
I make people better has a healing quality to it. Does this interfere with the aim of your statement?

I can see how it could be read that way. The goal was that at the beginning it should be read as "Oh, he's a doctor, he heals people." and at the end it changes to be a bit less positive. If you're still reading it as a healing phrase at the end, what do you think I should do to give it the darker undertone I was going for?

By the way, I think I figured out where the firefly line came from. I watched the movie Serenity (Movie adaptation of Firefly) a while ago, and so I had the phrase "...they'll swing back to the belief that they can make people…better." That's probably how I got "I make people better."

Delta40
01-07-2014, 02:48 AM
Mmm now that you've explained it, I see what you mean. Perhaps you need a pause at the end also. I would then delete the final line or paste it in before My name is...

Calidore
01-07-2014, 11:46 PM
This one reads like an intro to the main character of a story rather than a story in itself. I think there's an idea at the core worth pursuing, though. If I were writing this, I'd lose the bit about "I know that my work is fallible", as if it's an admission, and make it a natural consequence rather than a problem. In essence, you have the basis for a series of "Monkey's Paw" type stories about a man with the skill and resources to "improve" people however they want according to the letter of what they tell him, but these improvements bring about undesired results for them.

YesNo
01-08-2014, 10:27 AM
After reading that he needed a "bulletproof heart", I was looking for something more about that in the story. I don't know what it would be nor whether it is even worth adding.

AuntShecky
01-09-2014, 04:44 PM
This one "tells" more than it shows, and thus lacks urgency and dramatic impact.