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sam221766
01-05-2014, 09:53 PM
This is my third attempt at writing a short story. I hope you enjoy it! I'm not very happy with the end but I was getting brain fatigue but may update/change it later. The changes will be posted on my blog and possibly here. As always, feedback is welcome, and I incorporated some of the prior feedback into this story.

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| An Unexpected Mission |
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One day I was talking to my commanding officer, who I also lived with. I had been complaining about not doing any army missions now that we were both in the National Guard. I was at home when his wife told me, “So, you want to have kids and you also want a mission?” I raised an eyebrow at her and said, “What do you have for me?” She said, “Do you like driving kids around?” And I was all, “Is that a big part of parenting?” She assured me it was. Then she said, “Get into your uniform, while I write the mission on a piece of official army mission paper.”

So I went into my room and changed into my army jammies, called that because they’re loose and comfortable like pajamas. I yelled to her through the door, “Should I bring a gun or anything like that?”, and she said “Just your uniform and yourself should be fine.”

I came out of my room with my spiffy one star hat and my green camouflage shirt and pants and some mostly shiny black boots. She said, “Here’s the official mission details” and handed me a post-it note with the words written on it to go pick up teen agent and one of her friends from school and to drive them to their respective houses.

I said, “This official mission paperwork looks a lot like a post it note.” She said, “Do you have any questions that aren’t dumb?” So I asked, “Do the kids know where they live and how to get there?” And she assured me they did, and if not she would use our official army communication devices that looked a lot like cell phones.

So I got in my car and drove to the designated Jr. High school. I arrived a bit before the designated time and sat in my blue four door car feeling a little awkward to be dressed like a soldier in a civilian area where everybody else was dressed normally for a nice spring afternoon.

After sitting in front of the school for a while, a few other cars came and waited with me, and then I saw teen agent coming out of the school near the front of a big group of kids, and waved to her. She came over to the car and asked, “Are you taking me home today?” And so I said, “Yeah, you and one other girl, Katie. Do you know what she looks like?”

“She’s not here yet”, teen agent replied. So I said, “Keep an eye out for her since I have no idea what she looks like.” Teen said, “Yes Sir.” and smiled a big grin.

We were mostly surrounded by kids getting picked up with the bulk of them still on the school property and a good number walking around us towards cars and homes.

Then unexpectedly, a boy I didn’t know that was also in the 11-12 year old age range jumped into the back seat of my car! I said, “Hey bro, what’s up?” and he replied, “My dad is going to kill me.”

So I took a look around and noticed one of the larger male parents was making an angry beeline right at my car. I hopped out of the car and tossed teen agent the keys and indicated with a hand gesture to lock the car behind me. She did, leaning across the driver’s seat from the front passenger’s seat to push the lock all button while also holding my keys.

As that was happening, I was out of the car and the other guy, maybe about my height at 6’1” with more of a gut than I had, got all up in my face and said, “What’s my kid doing in your car?”

So noticing he was standing too close to me, I brought my arms up between us a little and said, “I don’t know. Do you want to talk about it?” He said, “I’m his dad and he should come with me!”

Just then I heard teen agent yell through the slightly open window, “He doesn’t have custody!” She had probably been asking him questions while I was standing up to the big parent, although at 21 years old I was pretty big and in good shape from fighting and the army diet.

So while still standing close, he said “You had better hand him over, he’s lying and I have custody.” So I said, “Is it okay if we call the police and let them resolve this? I’m a soldier, not a cop, and I’m not sure what the right thing to do now is, or what the laws are about excessive force.”

As I was finishing up that statement, he stepped back and turned, heading for an empty vehicle. I stepped with him, just a little behind, and he put his key into the trunk lock of the car and opened it up. I saw some metal objects in there, including a tire iron, and it looked like he was going for it.

So I said, “Woah there” and grabbed his arm from behind. He tried to twist out of it, and I let him go with a little push away from the vehicle. He then tried to wind up and punch me with his right hand, and I blocked it with my left arm and spun him around into an arm lock.

While still holding his arm in a twist, with his face on the asphalt, I looked around and asked if anyone was calling the local police. A few people weren’t using their cell phones, and a few people assured me the cops were on the way.

Delta40
01-06-2014, 05:54 AM
Lol. You're writing is definitely improved with the dialogue. Your characters just want to kick *** in even the most domestic situations but this one had me smiling. Rambo with nothing to do...

glennr25
01-06-2014, 06:41 PM
Funny little story. It was pretty good.

Delta40
01-06-2014, 07:09 PM
Yeah I think you're onto something here. Give the character a name and then pen a whole series of stories where he is carrying out 'missions' aka the dull routines of everyday suburbia. The overdue library book, the no refund policy fiasco. I'd really enjoy the commando style take and have a great laugh as I'm sure other readers would too. Don't forget the dialogue!

Calidore
01-06-2014, 09:06 PM
I agree that this is a big improvement over your previous posts. It seems like it doesn't know whether it wants to be a gag or not, though. What was your intent?

sam221766
01-06-2014, 09:12 PM
It was kind of supposed to be a surprise ending? Not really sure what my intent was, I just kinda wrote it and that's how it came out...the first part was funny, then unexpectedly it gets serious I guess. Thanks for the positive feedback. One thing I noticed from the comments on my previous short story is people seemed to not understand what I wrote as I understood it, probably due to being a bit of a novice at writing. It was helpful to see how I needed to write more clearly. So if you can say what you thought about different parts, that would be awesome. Also this was motivational...I probably won't write another one tonight, but I might feel good and inspired to write something else soon...I like the posts about seeing more of the same, and I assure you, everything I write will probably be at least somewhat similar, due to being one person writing...

Hey is team writing a thing? Like where I do an overview, and other people add in depth or otherwise edit the story? Maybe if you want to rewrite it, go ahead and post your edits here or in the comments section of my blog, and maybe me and you can cowrite something?

Hwo Thumb
01-06-2014, 10:32 PM
I think it's funny, but if you want it to be REALLY funny, make it over the top. Like others have said, the problem is that it's not clear how much of this is supposed to be funny. So make it all overly dramatic, to make the satire clearer. Have your main character be incredibly resolute in his belief that picking up these kids from school is critical to the preservation of democracy. Add drama. Add more drama. Make it so over the top, it's IN SPACE.

Another thing, you seem to be struggling with conventions, particularly dialogue. Here's the general rule.

When a new character talks, their dialogue should be a new paragraph. If they talk again without a new paragraph or someone else talking in between, their line can stay within the same paragraph. If someone else talks, you need a new paragraph.


Example

X turned towards Y. "Blah blah blah, Y. Blah blah!" He snapped. Making his way to the door, he muttered, "Blah blah blah."

"Blah blah blah!" Y shouted after him. "Blah blah!"

"Blah?"

"Blah blah, X."

Other tips: Throw in a few bigger words. Don't go out of your way to sound pretentious, but try to never use the same word for something within a few sentences of each other if another is readily available. Consult a thesaurus. Also, occasionally swap out the word "said" for more descriptive words, and if want the dialogue to "feel" a little faster, you can leave out "he exclaimed, I retorted etc" all together. As long as it's clear who is talking, you don't need to clarify. (See line 3 of example)

Overall, I can see you're developing skill. Keep at it!

Calidore
01-08-2014, 01:10 AM
I think it's funny, but if you want it to be REALLY funny, make it over the top. Like others have said, the problem is that it's not clear how much of this is supposed to be funny. So make it all overly dramatic, to make the satire clearer. Have your main character be incredibly resolute in his belief that picking up these kids from school is critical to the preservation of democracy. Add drama. Add more drama. Make it so over the top, it's IN SPACE.

And here we see an example of how humor works differently for different people. Where Hwo Thumb wants you to go over the top, I think this would work better if you kept it subtle. When the narrator mentioned living with his commanding officer and the officer's wife, I thought it would be funny if the narrator called his own wife his commanding officer. Then from that, Teen Agent (which should be capitalized the way you're using it) becomes his own daughter. What I ended up with was an ex-military guy who wishes he wasn't ex- and roleplays everything possible, no matter how mundane, into missions, which is tolerated by his loved ones because it's harmless and amusing.

Delta40
01-08-2014, 01:18 AM
I agree and that's why I made the suggestion I did. He is already over the top by contextualizing everydayness into missions. I do like the idea of him wearing a combat onesie....

sam221766
01-11-2014, 08:55 PM
I'm getting writers block. I'm trying to write in the 'immediate' style instead of the bbq story recital style, and it's not working for me. Maybe I'll try writing one in the bbq style...seems to flow more naturally for me, like an after action report or something similar...

Here's what I got stuck on writing. Note how it flows back into the verbal storytelling style a few times...rather than descriptive and immedite, although I could also ratchet up the descriptive quantities and otherwise it's like my first story here or on my blog.

First Flight
I was a bit surprised to answer my front door to a man dressed in an army uniform. So I invited him in for a chat. I was a bit curious what he wanted of me, and still had fond memories of the army rescuing me a few years earlier from a hostage situation that included a lot of violence on my part that was complemented a lot back when it happened, including with some rank that I had kept.

“We want you to come back to the army.”, he said to me, as we settled in the living room.

“I’m 16.” I replied to him. “And besides, that sounds unreasonably dangerous.”

“Your age isn’t a problem, and your parents are okay with it.” He paused a moment before continuing, “We’ve discovered international human slavers again, and thought you might want to help us fight them, as you did such a good job prior.”

“I barely survived that, and I’m pretty sure I don’t want to do that again.” I said, my voice hesitating a bit as I thought about it.

“How about if we offer you a jet?” he said, in a normal tone of voice.

I thought about that a bit. I had always wanted to fly and had some experience jumping off of things, and I was a bit flattered too at both the offer to join the Air Force Special Forces and that I was really helpful in killing international human traffickers.

“All right, I’ll do it for a jet and to help save the world, again.”

“Are you ready to go now?”, was his reply.

“Yes.”

So we both got into his car, and drove for a while to an air force base nearby.

After a long wait in a series of metal rooms, we got to the carrier to launch.

Calidore
01-12-2014, 12:42 PM
Here's what I got stuck on writing. Note how it flows back into the verbal storytelling style a few times...rather than descriptive and immedite, although I could also ratchet up the descriptive quantities and otherwise it's like my first story here or on my blog.


I think that this case of writer's block may actually be a defense mechanism. Nothing in this story fragment has any plausibility at all, and I can't imagine what you'd gain by pursuing it. My advice would be to let this one stay blocked and move on.

Delta40
01-12-2014, 06:39 PM
I agree. You've got the tools in place but the believability of the story is just too much to swallow. If you're writing a serious story then you must write at a realistic rather than a comic level.

sandy14
01-12-2014, 07:35 PM
[QUOTE=sam221766;1250526]I'm getting writers block. I'm trying to write in the 'immediate' style instead of the bbq story recital style, and it's not working for me. Maybe I'll try writing one in the bbq style...seems to flow more naturally for me, like an after action report or something similar...

Here's what I got stuck on writing. Note how it flows back into the verbal storytelling style a few times...rather than descriptive and immedite, although I could also ratchet up the descriptive quantities and otherwise it's like my first story here or on my blog.

QUOTE]

You are going too fast and expecting too much from yourself. You need to give yourself a pause to redraft your work and improve it yourself. When you start writing something you won't always know where it is going and all manner of unexpected things will come out. It's messy and stuff will not always come out right, or in a format that will make sense to anyone else reading the story.

However, you need at least one second stage where you coolly reflect upon the first draft and think about what you have got. What needs emphasis, what needs dumped and what tone should the piece have and then rewrite it bearing this in mind. It's only writing - and everything can be changed - you might not know what you want, but you may know what you don't want and sometimes that won't become apparent until it is in front of you in black & white in front of you.

You can be too close to a piece of work you have just created, as the mind fills in the bits that don't make much sense on the page. It can be worthwhile setting a new story aside for a week or two and then re-reading it for the purposes of redrafting. That way there is a gap between the immediacy of creation and need to redraft.

When working on a poem, I often end up writing down the stuff that I know is wrong, because I need to work it through. If I don't write it, it will just rattle around in my head and get in the way. This means I end up overwriting on the first couple of attempts, knowing that the result is going to be utter rubbish, but that I can't move to the next stage if I don't. It's only after the initial messy creative stage that I can sit down and think about what I'm trying to say and what I'm not. It then might mean trying a few different forms to see which one fits. The first messy draft and the clean last draft often don't look like each other very much, but they are both part of the same journey.

I think it might be helpful if you explain the world your characters are operating in. In all your stories they are quite young for the roles they are in, and it might be worthwhile developing the context so that the audience can understand it. Other series have young characters saving the world, such as Buffy, or the Alex Rider/young Bond series. There's nothing wrong with it, but the reader may need some back story somewhere so that they know what the rules are in your world. Sixteen year olds do not get invited to rejoin a (Western) army unless they are in some kind of super spy/soldier/superhero organisation or ended up recruited in war that occurred overseas in which youths were recruited. All manner of variations are possible, but you need to suggest to the reader what the rules are that we can get a handle on it.

sam221766
01-16-2014, 12:06 PM
How do you all feel about Doogie Howser, MD?

Delta40
01-16-2014, 06:50 PM
Is there a parallel here? Lol just don't give your guy a dumbass name like Doogie ok?

Calidore
01-17-2014, 12:30 PM
Is there a parallel here? Lol just don't give your guy a dumbass name like Doogie ok?

I dunno, I think Doogie "Death Machine" Howser, medically trained assassin, has possibilities.

AuntShecky
01-17-2014, 05:56 PM
I dunno, I think Doogie "Death Machine" Howser, medically trained assassin, has possibilities.

Yeah, but then he'd never be able to host The Tony Awards as well as he does.

sam221766
01-17-2014, 09:06 PM
How about a picture + story story? Like these pictures, then text around them to fill in the continuity. Also are these cool pictures?
92289229923092319232

Well, that didn't work very well. I'll post it right on my blog, at the address in my .sig below.
Supposed to be 11 pictures...