A Bumper Christmas Selection Box

[Biggus]

I SAW HER ACROSS THE OFFICE

I saw her across the office
She had tinsel in her locks
And a gleam in her eyes
She wore red striped socks
Way up to her thighs
My thoughts were not of her locks
As I devoured her with my eyes
I thought she was quite a fox
But then to my surprise
She offered me her Christmas box
As she undid my flies

ARE YOU WEARING GREEN VELVET?

Are you wearing green velvet?
That’s really nice to see
And so fitting for the season
It makes me feel so Christmassy

I SAW SANTA CLAUS LAST NIGHT

I saw Santa Claus last night
Messing with a ho ho ho
When he was kissing her
Underneath the camel toe

IF YOU ARE OUT CAROL SINGING

If you are out Carol Singing
And you dry during the song
Just stop and Take a deep breath
Then Keep calm and Carol on

ANOTHER OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

The office party
Was in full swing
From a Radio
Music played
Too loud for my taste
And overly jolly
For my mood.
Wine was consumed
In copious quantities
As eagerly
As the temps
Who imbibed it
And the more it flowed
The more inappropriate
The behaviour became
It was noisy
Raucous and unseemly
And I had seen enough
So I drained my glass
And prepared to leave
Which was when I saw her
Standing alone
In a quiet corner
Gazing into space
An untouched drink
In her hand
And sadness in her eyes.
She seemed oblivious
To events unfolding
In the office, It was like
She was elsewhere
I hoped wherever it was
Was a happier place
She looked so sad.
I was drawn to her
Though not out of sympathy
It was in equal measure
Recognition of a kindred spirit
And a kind of curiosity
To determine the reason
For such great sadness
Amidst the jollity
Of another Christmas
Had she too lost
The object of her affections?
“Hello” I said
“Not enjoying it?”
She shook her head
“Let’s leave then”
I suggested
She smiled weakly
And nodded her accent
And we slipped away
When she smiled
She was much prettier
From that moment
I took it upon myself
To ensure she would
Never be sad again
That was forty years ago
And we’re still happy

I PULLED A CRACKER

I pulled a cracker
At the Christmas Party
And by way of a novelty
She wasn’t even tarty

Not at all my type
But I began to weaken
And thought to myself
Well tis the season

When the pagan symbol
We were stood below
Took effect, we kissed
Beneath the Mistletoe

Though not my usual morsel
I’m not one who dawdles
And I soon had my hands
On her Christmas baubles

I SAW HER ACROSS THE ROOM

I saw her across the room
Wearing a worried frown
There was sadness in her eyes
Beneath her Tinsel crown
But there was something
Hidden away all the while
A previously untapped joy
Hinted at by the faintest smile
So I smiled and said hello
Not knowing that was the start
Of a Christmas romance in which
I would give to her my heart

I DON’T MEAN TO GO INTO A PANIC

I don’t mean to go into a panic
Or cause a massive fuss
But there are now only twelve
Shoplifting days until Christmas

MY WIFE LOVES EXCHANGING PRESENTS

My wife loves exchanging presents
Happily amidst the Christmas cheer
In fact she enjoys it so very much
She exchanges my gift every year

THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY WAS IN FULL SWING

The office Christmas party
Was in full swing
Cheap plonk and nibbles
That kind of thing
From someone’s iPod
Loud Music played
And to that music
Eager bodies swayed

CHRISTMAS KEBAB

I love a Kebab at Christmas
More than any other time of year
Their infinite variety of fillings
Fills me with Christmas cheer
You don’t have to eat the same
Stereotypical stuffed pitta
Apart from Donner you can have
Comet, Cupid, Dancer and Dasher

AUGUST EXPECTATIONS FADE

August expectations fade and this season
My team has once again failed to impress
Our end of season video will once again
Be in the shops in time for Christmas