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View Full Version : A malignant tree yet has poisoned me.



Mohammad Ahmad
12-23-2013, 03:03 AM
A malignant tree yet has poisoned me.
Among the shrubs far out of the sea
I settled there to give out my sorrow
It hands me a handful of depleting morrow
Sunny day but the sun sent me its dark rays
Around the year I battle days after days
Yonder in the battlefield, I crossed their wing
When the sun came down, I sent away my song.
When I knew my brother was lost, I became grieved
Nothing I did eat even my drink had given faded
Beside a well there, I did keep around.
Suddenly my horse gave in his ears sound.
Nothing in earth but the sky has a glimmering star
Yet I don’t know from where that slippery tar
Three years over, I came to the place again
The place was grassed plentifully with rain.
Over the hill, I saw a group of nomadic Arab decamped.
Their maidens slumped to the brook to be watered.
Between them, I sight a tall figure of a yellowy hair.
She runs quickly as a frightened dear.
As a gazelle, she slumbered half- eyed awake
Her face is as if a smoothed flickering lake
My heart was throbbed to her before my sight.
And I was turning over from that night.
If only the blackberry would tell me her name!
Never have I purpose other than this aim.
If only I were a moon, ascending crossed with stars pair.
Blithely my eyes should look for with quite peer.

Delta40
12-23-2013, 05:27 AM
There are some nice lines here but you lose the rhyme scheme - whether that is your intention I am not sure but I think this poem should be well constructed in meter and form. Personally I believe you have the ability to do just that.

laky
12-23-2013, 08:07 AM
Modern poems doesnt give much importance to rhyme and meter...ofcrse d form has a significance as u pointed out. Otherwise thats a very gud endeavour Ahmad...One small suggestion is dat you could make the poem more condensed and pithy..The poem has it beauty in being brief and condensed..speaking volumes through minimum words...there lies the beauty.

Mohammad Ahmad
12-23-2013, 01:53 PM
There are some nice lines here but you lose the rhyme scheme - whether that is your intention I am not sure but I think this poem should be well constructed in meter and form. Personally I believe you have the ability to do just that.
Thank you dear friend Delta40, and I would say Good night to all
Again I thank you for your visiting and to your remarkable notices...
For myself and for many years ago, I find that I have the ability to be a poet for English rather than to be a poet of Arabic, of course, because I love the English language too much.
Exactly and surely I expect that this poem will have the pleasant echo.
I shall take your notices seriously into my account, but as another brother said that modern poetry sometimes doesn't tie up to meter. For myself I give the meanings and the tasteful literary expressions more significance perhaps the matter will be enjoying to the reader, wishing that I shall do better.
Now I am working at a project about the neoclassical Arabic poets and I shall shed lights on the compression between the Renaissance of Arab and English poetry with many translated poems, but the project is too long and I think that I shall not finish five days or more.

Best wishes and regards

Mohammad Ahmad
12-23-2013, 02:06 PM
Modern poems doesnt give much importance to rhyme and meter...ofcrse d form has a significance as u pointed out. Otherwise thats a very gud endeavour Ahmad...One small suggestion is dat you could make the poem more condensed and pithy..The poem has it beauty in being brief and condensed..speaking volumes through minimum words...there lies the beauty.
Thousand thanks and best regards
Meter is also useful and important, and I think the meter of my poem somehow is correct.
Thank you all.
What it is admirable to find readers and members have the qualification of poets and share you your opinion warmly.