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Alemdar
12-20-2013, 06:04 AM
(( This is the story of an unknown man, in an unknown world, at an unknown place )) -/Critics are more than welcome-\

#Please consider the following, this story has been made with a smartphone.



Buzz...

That's all he could hear when he started up the engine. He is carefully checking his surroundings, 100 metres further he notices a building, probably a hospital, suddenly he remembers the stories he was told by a merchant, some people say it was a secret basement of a militarry corporation, complete nonsense or maybe this once called hospital was being used by one of the hundred trigger finger organisations whom are roaming within this wrecked country. Pushing forward, through the tall bushes he struggles and arrives at an odd maze of weed and overgrown plants. He rams through many plants, some leaving scratches on his motorbike and some putting heavy pressure on his bike. The size of these simple plants are way too high, this is probably what nature turns into when the human kind vanishes. Sad, that humanity was gone the first day this all started, sad that the human kind disbanded itself from what it really was and turned into a lost stray dog, hopeless, scared and hungry it roams around and eventually dies. [Sound of the front wheel being stuck] It seems that something is stuck in his front wheel. He lifts his bike up, in order to see what's going on. Getting off and prying it away would be too risky and take too much time. He's got only one option left to free himself from this unexpected trap, if this fails he will have no other choice but to continue on foot and in an apocalypse this will most likely end in terrible death. Stories about radiation, 'dangerous fog' and advanced mutants, called 'Big Zeds' are in higher numbers than the undead itself and even more frightening and are told all over the South, Big Zeds.. This term is obviously used in the Jefferson region, one of the many wrecked places in this country. There is a big motel in the eastern part of the region. The good part about this place is the amount of rooms there are, its upper-class comfort for the usual survivor. Someone who travels from holes to other holes, though there are some heavy negatives about this region too. It's sadly nearby a graveyard.. Most of the people stay for a single night, the daredevils an entire day.. The people in this region are cursed and blessed it seems. Anyhow, if you meet survivors from the North a different nickname is used, one filled with nothing but fear. Like what a scary tale to a child does and at the part when the evil creature's name gets introduced. Just like that but this one, is even more frightening. When you hear someone shouting this, you better grab your gear and take the first vehicle you see, because the place you are will turn into a pile of destruction and you will be buried right beneath it. Tyrant, is the name. They say that if you had never met one, then that's probably how you made it this far . Anyway, these are the risks you take when you decide to travel on foot and this is why he now, has only one option left. He pushes the pedal down and unfortunately as he doesn't go any inch forward he stops, repeats the process and this time he lifts his bike up with both of his hands, checks his front wheel in so he could hopefully find what prevents him from movibg forward in order to find what's stuck he has to lift his bike up constantly and retry the process. As he doesn't see any good results he decides to let go of his bike taking off his helmet then looking at his jeans, he starts to reach into his left pocket, grabbing something. He opens the palm of his hand, looks at it and then toys around with it, he stares at the sky for a few seconds, after a while he decides to put the mysterious object back into his pocket. He decides to put his helmet back on and a few minutes later he pushes his pedal forward, for a one last try.. [Sound of something breaking apart] It seems like something broke off, pushing forward again and suddenly something unexpected happens. His bike is slowly moving and causing the same buzzing sounds but this time louder, his bike is moving again. As his self-confidence increases the bike speeds up slowly. When it reaches a certain speed, it somehow rushes past the tall overgrown weed and breakes through anything between him and his destination. It's like something is pushing his bike forward and at the same time clearing the path full of old but weak plants. He remembers those times with his sister, when she pushed him in his first bike. His bike is obnoxiously fast, too fast for a terrain like where he is now. As he rushes through some weaker parts of the bush, he looks around him and stops for a while. He pushes his pedal and takes a turn to his left. He is obviously hoping that he is at the edge of this odd bush. Then, in the distance something too weird to see in a place with only plants but something which he instantly can recognize. This must be his salvation, his chance his chance to break through this barrier what keeps him away from his duty. As he takes a few steps backwards with his bike, he then gives his toughest push forward and the bike rams insanely through the plants infront. Finally, he breakes through the edge of this maze and appears to be on an abandoned, wrecked and bloody road. [Buzzing bike]. He checks his surroundings.
Left of him a mysterious hospital building. Right of him a ruined path leading towards a fire department. Infront of him, an endless road to hell.

-/ To the ones being curious, this is a short story of a mysterious man in an apocalypse, saving himself from a tight spot -\
(( I'd appreciate your tips very much, without it i can't become a decent writer. Thank you for reading ! ))

Calidore
12-22-2013, 11:05 PM
My tips:

* If you want people to read your stories, they have to be formatted for easy readability. This solid block of boldface text is anything but. The smartphone disclaimer is no excuse; I don't have one and don't know what kinds of word processing options are available for one (though I can't imagine there's much demand for writing stories on them), but if this is all you can do on yours, then you need to do your story writing on something else.

* The grammar and run-on sentences don't help either. No amount of good formatting can save "He is carefully checking his surroundings, 100 metres further he notices a building, probably a hospital, suddenly he remembers the stories he was told by a merchant, some people say it was a secret basement of a militarry corporation, complete nonsense or maybe this once called hospital was being used by one of the hundred trigger finger organisations whom are roaming within this wrecked country."

* I have no idea why you included bracketed descriptions of sound effects, but they just create completely unnecessary repetition: [Sound of the front wheel being stuck] It seems that something is stuck in his front wheel.

* The entire "story" is some guy getting his motorcycle stuck in some bushes and then getting free. That's it. Everything else is you telling us about the apocalyptic setting and mutants and such, but showing us nothing. Since it's all background exposition that has no effect on the foreground action, it effectively doesn't exist. If you make this story a moment in a bigger story that actually includes everything you talk about here, then you could have something.

My best advice would be to get this onto a proper computer or tablet, format it, and then read it aloud. Saving this will be a lot of work, but if you like it enough, then go for it.

Alemdar
12-23-2013, 03:59 AM
It's more like a first try/introduction. It's a story I wrote on a RP forum and the people had to guess where this person was ( there was a map ). The goal was to see in what level of writing this was made. Thanks



PS: Two questions

1. Is this person mysterious enough to make you wanting to know more?
2. Is the grammar right?

Calidore
12-23-2013, 11:35 PM
"In what level of writing this was made"? I'm not sure what that means.

1. To grow reader interest, you need to plant a seed. This man isn't a mystery, he's just a cipher, because we know absolutely nothing about him, and thus have no reason to even be curious.

2. I mentioned the grammar in my second point above.

Alemdar
12-24-2013, 01:21 PM
Like elementary to advanced etc..

Anyways thanks for your response. I just need to know how to make the reader curious for more.

Thanks for your response, again !