Corvyn Kusuma
12-19-2013, 12:59 PM
This is a story for 10th Grade Lit and Comp. Please give me feedback on essential elements of narrative (beginning, middle, end, purpose, theme), types and varieties of narrative techniques (foreshadowing, allusions, symbols, etc.), and engaging plot. Any advice would be helpful!
Robert Ingenuo sat on his lounge chair, awaiting his love to return from her business trip. The sun’s rays shone upon the grass, and canaries chirped songs that reverberated through the crisp, fresh spring breeze. Jovial and carefree, his neighbor’s children played with jump ropes and toys, without concern to the cumbersome troubles of life. Without discord or violence, the townsfolk greeted Mr. Ingenuo as they walked past his house. Even those who didn’t personally know Mr. Ingenuo greeted him, as the town overflowed benevolence and conviviality.
Outside of home, Mr. Ingenuo avidly studied ancient civilizations as a theologist, primarily focused on biblical times. As a precocious high-school student, he excelled in all of his advanced history classes and earned national recognition for his essays on biblical theology. To show off his pride as a historian, he always wore a golden necklace won as an award for his outstanding essays with an engraving of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Everyday, he polished it until its reflection of light could blind others. Showing it off to friends and family, he boasted about his studies of the snake’s betrayal of Adam and Eve who claimed that no repercussions occurred with consuming fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, the eleven sons’ betrayal of Joseph who sold him into slavery, and Judas Iscariot’s betrayal of Jesus with a kiss and compromisation of his position. To educate his family and friends about biblical history, Mr. Ingenuo possessed a charismatic and alluring voice that captivated anyone he talked to. Similar to a high school student eager to boast about his superior grades in AP classes, Mr. Ingenuo possessed pride for his accomplishments stronger than the sturdiest metal in the world.
However, as a historian, he was also ignorant and oblivious, and most of his historical studies were inaccurate. Easily suckered into simultaneously validating contradictory accounts, his controversial theories about the formation of the Earth came from conveniently found articles off the internet. One, in reality, was written by a sixth-grade student who aimed to meddle with the internet database as a joke. As a matter of fact, the bottom of the article contained a disclaimer with a note that it was fake. He ludicrously came to the conclusion that the Earth was a beach ball used as God’s toy, which earned him the reputation as a delusional professor. His inattentive behavior caused him to commit grave mistakes in mundane activities. Because of his oblivion, his house burned down due to a gas leak, he allowed two robbers to slip past him and rob a bank without a call to the police, and he failed to see a couple held hostage in a car as he passed it. Perhaps his greatest folly was his negligent and blinded attitude, and his altitude will eventually cause him severe repercussions.
His girlfriend, Maggie Traditore, was different. She worked as a field biologist and specialized in the behavior of black widows and praying mantises who ate their mates after marriage. Although she put focus on her studies of black widows and praying mantises, her true animal of interest was the snake. Contrary to Mr. Ingenuo’s necklace, engraved in Ms. Traditore’s gold necklace was a snake that constricted its prey. Since she won the necklace from a biology competition, she also took great care of it and flashed it at every person she knew.
There were rumors about Maggie Traditore, however. When she was in high school, four fifth-grade boys witnessed a shadow of a wolverine who ravenously ate a body in a dark alley as they headed home from soccer practice. As the boys slowly drew closer, out came Ms. Traditore, with blood pouring down from her mouth and razor teeth gleaming in the moonlight. Initially, no one believed them, but their account won more acceptance over time. Many people also claim that, when approached, Ms. Traditore exhibits a maniacal laugh and speaks as though she wants to cook them in a pot and consume them. Although she was captivating and beautiful, most people were often frightened to stay in her proximity. Mr. Ingenuo nevertheless remained oblivious to these perceptions of Ms. Traditore, and loved her like a teenager loved her autographed picture.
This fated couple met in the seventh grade in the park. With sweet,
coarse hair waving in the wind, Ms. Traditore captivated Mr. Ingenuo with her seemingly graceful smile, pure eyes, and majestic mannerisms. Trembling with apprehension, Mr. Ingenuo, a short and unpopular nerd, mustered up the courage to ask Ms. Traditore to the school dance. The boy hesitantly walked over to the bench, and asked her out. When she replied yes, choruses of hallelujah permeated through his mind, and the birds lined up to chirp songs of blessing for the new couple. Over the next nine years prior to their fateful meeting, they remained a romantic couple with strong devotion towards each other.
The time came to ask her. For nine years, their relationship never progressed out of a mundane, uncommitted romantic relationship. Reunions were brief, sporadic moments that occurred every two months due to their respective professions. With reservations for Chez Jose, a new and unwrinkled tuxedo, and a lustrous diamond ring in his coat pocket, Mr. Ingenuo finally built up the confidence to propose a commitment that required both of them to give up part of their personal interests for each other. Perhaps this way, Mr. Ingenuo and Ms. Traditore could spend the rest of their lives together and be happy.
As the day grew old, rain clouds covered up the broad sun and created precipitation in the town. The children retreated inside, all soaked up and wet. Mr. Ingenuo could see through his window that the children played wrestling video games, and started to physically hurt each other after they got bored with controllers. On the other side, he saw his neighbors, who never drew up contention or hostilities before, attack each other with wooden chairs and pipes out of frustration for unknown reasons. Calm and collected, Mr. Ingenuo turned on his television, and anxiously but eagerly waited for the return of his loved one.
Over the television, Mr. Ingenuo watched a documentary on Benedict Arnold. A courageous and successful war general, Arnold served the Continental Army through several expeditions such as the capture of Fort Ticonderoga, Battle of Ridgefield, Connecticut, and Battle of Saratoga. However, he got passed over for promotion by the Continental Congress and received no credit for his various accomplishments. Therefore, he defected to the British army and planned to surrender the fort, West Point, to them. Passionate about his studies on historic events concerned with betrayal, Mr. Ingenuo attentively watched the documentary and jotted down a profuse amount of notes.
By the ninth hour, Mr. Ingenuo grew worried. Although scheduled for a landing by the sixth hour, Ms. Traditore didn’t return. The rain clouds sparked numerous thunderbolts like roots on a tree, and the sound of ominous wind disseminated throughout the house. On both sides of the house, both neighbors were passed out and unconscious on the floors. Screeches from ravens overshadowed the harmonious chirps of the canaries, and the rain stomped on the streets like giants. His surroundings left him a feeling of betrayal by God, who duped him with weather that constantly fluctuated.
Suddenly, the doorbell rung. A slim, shady figure stood at the door, awaiting a response. An ominous aura flowed out of her, along with a certain murderous instinct. Nevertheless, Mr. Ingenuo negligently opened the door to see his company. In the light, Mr. Ingenuo saw that the shady figure was his love, Ms. Traditore, who wore a dress colored in blood-red.
“Oh, Maggie my love! How I have yearned for your return!” Mr. Ingenuo excitedly exclaimed.
“I have missed you too,” Ms. Traditore softly remarked. “I’m sorry I’m late! My plane arrived late due to some storms! Anyway, I’m just glad that we are able to meet again!”
The two embraced each other like magnets that could never be pulled apart. Burying his face into her neck, Mr. Ingenuo pressed upon Ms. Traditore’s warm chest and clung on to her as if he wanted to remain attached forever. Mr. Ingenuo pinned her to the door, rubbed his leg onto her leg, and tightened his grip on her. The thunder and lightning increased in magnitude, and the pressure between the couple rose to great heights.
“Maggie...I have a question I want to ask you,” Mr. Ingenuo remarked. He bent to his knees, pulled out the box, and opened it to reveal the beautiful, sparkling ring. “I’ve loved you ever since I’ve first laid eyes on you. These past years, we’ve only met with each other on random occasions, and I want our relationship to be more intimate. I cannot imagine life without you. Will you marry me?”
“Oh…Robert…” Ms. Traditore spoke with awe. “Yes! I will marry you! Come here!”
And the two embraced each other even harder and kissed. As they were in contact, Ms. Traditore moved her lips to his neck and bit it. Initially, it was a small little bite that displayed affection. Eventually, the bites penetrated through Mr. Ingenuo’s skin, and blood poured out. Four large holes opened up where Ms. Traditore bit, and Mr. Ingenuo let out a tempestuous wail that reverberated throughout the neighborhood. One final thunderbolt pierced through the clouds, and his heart rate plummeted down to a new low.
“Maggie my love...why would you do this?” Mr. Ingenuo weakly murmured.
“Robert my love...I’m sorry to this to you, but my love for blood is greater than my love for you,” Ms. Traditore boldly declared. “But I have to thank you! Your ignorant trust in me made your blood all the more sweeter! Your naivety and negligence gave me a scrumptious meal tonight!”
While Mr. Ingenuo lost composure and fell to the ground, Ms. Traditore planted a final kiss on him.
“You...betray me with a kiss?” Mr. Ingenuo weakly questioned.
At once, he went unresponsive, and blood dripped out from his neck. Drops of his blood fell on the naked bodies of Adam and Eve on his gold necklace and formed clothes for them. While blood covered the charm, the necklace lost its pristine nature, and the faces of Adam and Eve went from joyful to ashamed. Ms. Traditore’s snake necklace stared at Mr. Ingenuo’s necklace with jubilance and accomplishment, as though it accomplished a life goal. Thus, Mr. Ingenuo lay desolate on the ground, destroyed by his negligence and blinded love.
Robert Ingenuo sat on his lounge chair, awaiting his love to return from her business trip. The sun’s rays shone upon the grass, and canaries chirped songs that reverberated through the crisp, fresh spring breeze. Jovial and carefree, his neighbor’s children played with jump ropes and toys, without concern to the cumbersome troubles of life. Without discord or violence, the townsfolk greeted Mr. Ingenuo as they walked past his house. Even those who didn’t personally know Mr. Ingenuo greeted him, as the town overflowed benevolence and conviviality.
Outside of home, Mr. Ingenuo avidly studied ancient civilizations as a theologist, primarily focused on biblical times. As a precocious high-school student, he excelled in all of his advanced history classes and earned national recognition for his essays on biblical theology. To show off his pride as a historian, he always wore a golden necklace won as an award for his outstanding essays with an engraving of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Everyday, he polished it until its reflection of light could blind others. Showing it off to friends and family, he boasted about his studies of the snake’s betrayal of Adam and Eve who claimed that no repercussions occurred with consuming fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, the eleven sons’ betrayal of Joseph who sold him into slavery, and Judas Iscariot’s betrayal of Jesus with a kiss and compromisation of his position. To educate his family and friends about biblical history, Mr. Ingenuo possessed a charismatic and alluring voice that captivated anyone he talked to. Similar to a high school student eager to boast about his superior grades in AP classes, Mr. Ingenuo possessed pride for his accomplishments stronger than the sturdiest metal in the world.
However, as a historian, he was also ignorant and oblivious, and most of his historical studies were inaccurate. Easily suckered into simultaneously validating contradictory accounts, his controversial theories about the formation of the Earth came from conveniently found articles off the internet. One, in reality, was written by a sixth-grade student who aimed to meddle with the internet database as a joke. As a matter of fact, the bottom of the article contained a disclaimer with a note that it was fake. He ludicrously came to the conclusion that the Earth was a beach ball used as God’s toy, which earned him the reputation as a delusional professor. His inattentive behavior caused him to commit grave mistakes in mundane activities. Because of his oblivion, his house burned down due to a gas leak, he allowed two robbers to slip past him and rob a bank without a call to the police, and he failed to see a couple held hostage in a car as he passed it. Perhaps his greatest folly was his negligent and blinded attitude, and his altitude will eventually cause him severe repercussions.
His girlfriend, Maggie Traditore, was different. She worked as a field biologist and specialized in the behavior of black widows and praying mantises who ate their mates after marriage. Although she put focus on her studies of black widows and praying mantises, her true animal of interest was the snake. Contrary to Mr. Ingenuo’s necklace, engraved in Ms. Traditore’s gold necklace was a snake that constricted its prey. Since she won the necklace from a biology competition, she also took great care of it and flashed it at every person she knew.
There were rumors about Maggie Traditore, however. When she was in high school, four fifth-grade boys witnessed a shadow of a wolverine who ravenously ate a body in a dark alley as they headed home from soccer practice. As the boys slowly drew closer, out came Ms. Traditore, with blood pouring down from her mouth and razor teeth gleaming in the moonlight. Initially, no one believed them, but their account won more acceptance over time. Many people also claim that, when approached, Ms. Traditore exhibits a maniacal laugh and speaks as though she wants to cook them in a pot and consume them. Although she was captivating and beautiful, most people were often frightened to stay in her proximity. Mr. Ingenuo nevertheless remained oblivious to these perceptions of Ms. Traditore, and loved her like a teenager loved her autographed picture.
This fated couple met in the seventh grade in the park. With sweet,
coarse hair waving in the wind, Ms. Traditore captivated Mr. Ingenuo with her seemingly graceful smile, pure eyes, and majestic mannerisms. Trembling with apprehension, Mr. Ingenuo, a short and unpopular nerd, mustered up the courage to ask Ms. Traditore to the school dance. The boy hesitantly walked over to the bench, and asked her out. When she replied yes, choruses of hallelujah permeated through his mind, and the birds lined up to chirp songs of blessing for the new couple. Over the next nine years prior to their fateful meeting, they remained a romantic couple with strong devotion towards each other.
The time came to ask her. For nine years, their relationship never progressed out of a mundane, uncommitted romantic relationship. Reunions were brief, sporadic moments that occurred every two months due to their respective professions. With reservations for Chez Jose, a new and unwrinkled tuxedo, and a lustrous diamond ring in his coat pocket, Mr. Ingenuo finally built up the confidence to propose a commitment that required both of them to give up part of their personal interests for each other. Perhaps this way, Mr. Ingenuo and Ms. Traditore could spend the rest of their lives together and be happy.
As the day grew old, rain clouds covered up the broad sun and created precipitation in the town. The children retreated inside, all soaked up and wet. Mr. Ingenuo could see through his window that the children played wrestling video games, and started to physically hurt each other after they got bored with controllers. On the other side, he saw his neighbors, who never drew up contention or hostilities before, attack each other with wooden chairs and pipes out of frustration for unknown reasons. Calm and collected, Mr. Ingenuo turned on his television, and anxiously but eagerly waited for the return of his loved one.
Over the television, Mr. Ingenuo watched a documentary on Benedict Arnold. A courageous and successful war general, Arnold served the Continental Army through several expeditions such as the capture of Fort Ticonderoga, Battle of Ridgefield, Connecticut, and Battle of Saratoga. However, he got passed over for promotion by the Continental Congress and received no credit for his various accomplishments. Therefore, he defected to the British army and planned to surrender the fort, West Point, to them. Passionate about his studies on historic events concerned with betrayal, Mr. Ingenuo attentively watched the documentary and jotted down a profuse amount of notes.
By the ninth hour, Mr. Ingenuo grew worried. Although scheduled for a landing by the sixth hour, Ms. Traditore didn’t return. The rain clouds sparked numerous thunderbolts like roots on a tree, and the sound of ominous wind disseminated throughout the house. On both sides of the house, both neighbors were passed out and unconscious on the floors. Screeches from ravens overshadowed the harmonious chirps of the canaries, and the rain stomped on the streets like giants. His surroundings left him a feeling of betrayal by God, who duped him with weather that constantly fluctuated.
Suddenly, the doorbell rung. A slim, shady figure stood at the door, awaiting a response. An ominous aura flowed out of her, along with a certain murderous instinct. Nevertheless, Mr. Ingenuo negligently opened the door to see his company. In the light, Mr. Ingenuo saw that the shady figure was his love, Ms. Traditore, who wore a dress colored in blood-red.
“Oh, Maggie my love! How I have yearned for your return!” Mr. Ingenuo excitedly exclaimed.
“I have missed you too,” Ms. Traditore softly remarked. “I’m sorry I’m late! My plane arrived late due to some storms! Anyway, I’m just glad that we are able to meet again!”
The two embraced each other like magnets that could never be pulled apart. Burying his face into her neck, Mr. Ingenuo pressed upon Ms. Traditore’s warm chest and clung on to her as if he wanted to remain attached forever. Mr. Ingenuo pinned her to the door, rubbed his leg onto her leg, and tightened his grip on her. The thunder and lightning increased in magnitude, and the pressure between the couple rose to great heights.
“Maggie...I have a question I want to ask you,” Mr. Ingenuo remarked. He bent to his knees, pulled out the box, and opened it to reveal the beautiful, sparkling ring. “I’ve loved you ever since I’ve first laid eyes on you. These past years, we’ve only met with each other on random occasions, and I want our relationship to be more intimate. I cannot imagine life without you. Will you marry me?”
“Oh…Robert…” Ms. Traditore spoke with awe. “Yes! I will marry you! Come here!”
And the two embraced each other even harder and kissed. As they were in contact, Ms. Traditore moved her lips to his neck and bit it. Initially, it was a small little bite that displayed affection. Eventually, the bites penetrated through Mr. Ingenuo’s skin, and blood poured out. Four large holes opened up where Ms. Traditore bit, and Mr. Ingenuo let out a tempestuous wail that reverberated throughout the neighborhood. One final thunderbolt pierced through the clouds, and his heart rate plummeted down to a new low.
“Maggie my love...why would you do this?” Mr. Ingenuo weakly murmured.
“Robert my love...I’m sorry to this to you, but my love for blood is greater than my love for you,” Ms. Traditore boldly declared. “But I have to thank you! Your ignorant trust in me made your blood all the more sweeter! Your naivety and negligence gave me a scrumptious meal tonight!”
While Mr. Ingenuo lost composure and fell to the ground, Ms. Traditore planted a final kiss on him.
“You...betray me with a kiss?” Mr. Ingenuo weakly questioned.
At once, he went unresponsive, and blood dripped out from his neck. Drops of his blood fell on the naked bodies of Adam and Eve on his gold necklace and formed clothes for them. While blood covered the charm, the necklace lost its pristine nature, and the faces of Adam and Eve went from joyful to ashamed. Ms. Traditore’s snake necklace stared at Mr. Ingenuo’s necklace with jubilance and accomplishment, as though it accomplished a life goal. Thus, Mr. Ingenuo lay desolate on the ground, destroyed by his negligence and blinded love.