Old one...

[Koa]

This is somehting i wrote an awful lot of time ago... Too simple maybe, but anyway it's the only other thing i've ever shown...



I AM THE MOON

I was the sun
I used to shine in the pale-blue sky
laughing happily
every day of my bright life
melting each sorrow
that came to my way
I slowly went down
and I didn't rise again.

I am the moon
I married the night
I've understood that nothing's bright
so i prefer
to stay here in the black sky
where I feel free
where I can hide
where when I need it I can silently cry.

(March 2000)

[b]

Hello Koa,

The poem is certainly not too simple - at least the idea behind it isn't. I think you described the transformation from a naive, still ignorant girl that was very happy in her 'childhood' to a desillusioned woman that knows the nature of real life and got more pessimistically. I like that theme very much. I also like the metephore of light: you use the sun and the moon on a very imaging way. It reminds me of something I wrote myself a long time ago: a text in which I use the realationship between the sun, moon and earth as a metephore for human life. Remarkably I also concluded that I was the moon, which brought me metaphorically to the paradox of life: 'la luna' is one of the most female words around - don't you think so?

But of course you want me to be critical and to disturb the illusion myself, so:

I think you should't use the titel I AM THE MOON for this poem, since the first line reads: 'I was the sun'. That is a transition that appears to me as too direct and explicite in relation to the of the poem: the real change does occur in the middle of the poem. The tension that you build up by the title, is destroyed by the first line, but since the first line is more important than the titel, I should say: remove the titel. (It is a good title for a bundle of poems, though!)

The metaphore of light is very common-used and well known in poetry. I think readers want you to be more 'original'. I always enjoy reading poems with a sophisticated use of language and music - metre - and this poem lacks such a thing. That doesn't mean that you have to change it: your poems are so beautifull because you express your feelings so well, which I love.

[Koa]

One reason why i dont like this creation of mine is that the light/darkness thing is not exactly original, abd i probably use it a bit too much (i've been rather obsessed by it for a while, especially in that period of my life).

As for the title, that's probably the thing i like most eh eh...infact the idea of the whole poem came from that sentence that came to my mind rather suddenly... I might consider the title-thing but i'm not sure it's so important...

As for the music, it often lacks when i write, becuase i usually aim at the exact expression of what i want to say, more than to the musicality...

[waxmephilosophical]

This is wonderful! I don't want to analyze it, I would make a mess of it...but it really is wonderful! It's written in very beautiful language. Simplicity in literature is alright...things don't always have to be wordy and verbose to be beautiful and complex in meaning.

[Munro]

Impressive! That's really cool. If it is simple, then I like it and it works well. This is way more than amateur try-hard ****e, so keep writing.

[Koa]

:oops: :oops: :oops: Ooooh...thanks... :oops: :oops: :oops:

I don't mind if you don't want to analyse cos i wouldn't be able myself... but it's ok to have feedback, even if not of the analytic (???) kind...
Feel free to criticise as well ;)

:oops:

[b]

Munro is right, Koa:

I too am impressed by the simplicity of your poems. You are a master in the direct transmission of emotion. That talent of yours really makes you a very promising poet.

Please don't become uncertain about yourself when guys like me - people obsessed by musical harmony and stylistic control - comment insignificant details and forget to complement you on the real power of your poetry.

[Koa]

Please don't become uncertain about yourself when guys like me - people obsessed by musical harmony and stylistic control - comment insignificant details and forget to complement you on the real power of your poetry.

Well many things make me uncertain but i know you that what you say is what you think is right, and it's great to heard many different opinions... I'm aware that many poets care a lot about metrics and such, but i don't...probably because i'm not able to... What i wanted to by writing was to express my feelings, and sometimes to express soemthing exactly you have to sacrifice the music...or viceversa, sometimes musicality would have made me change words i didnt want to change because they were the right words for what i wanted to express...

I'm surprised that semplicity is so succesful... i've never managed to find my poems more 'mysterious', they're very plain, or maybe they're obviously too clear to me... But me one reason why i've never shouwed much is that, being so direct, i reveal too much of myself... who knows...;)

Thanks a lot for the supprot guys!

[b]

When you have been working on a certain poem for a very long time, the feeling you have about it is very weird. Because you are so 'into' it, you can't decide whether it is good or not. If many people have already commented your style, you get a better view on your own poetry though.

It is kind of romantic that you write such direct and simple poems, especially when you notice the way in which we communicate on this forum: very abstract, because we are so far away from each other.

And again: you have no need to become uncertain, though I know that every romantic poet - me too - has that in her / his personality.

[american_bad_angel1407]

WOW KOA! I REALLY like this one! I can relate to it soooooooooo much. I'm not going to critize this one because i don't have enough time to. (Sorry!) I really think you definately have the potiental to publish your poetry if you could somehow overcome the "I don't want anyone to read it" stage. (Note: I say this as one poet to another, for I have already told you that I am the same way.) So KOA, keep up the good poetry! 8) :D ;) :rolleyes: :P

[Koa]

wow...thanks ...that's what i like about poetry: the possibility to touch someone else's feeling, as i think people can often recognise themselves in other people's experiences/words, even if obviously 2 people can never feel exactly the same way- they just can feel close through this.

So, i really appreciated what you said (and youe enthusiasm), american_bad_angel :)