You in the Morning

[free]

Who is she
that uses the toilet
in the morning
while you pretend to be sleeping
wet under her kisses

There was a poet once
who wrote poems about me

Who is she
that sprinkles out the electricity
brushing her hair
while you pretend to be sleeping
curved by her touches

I remember this old poet
now when I talk to you
wondering who is she
that you write poems about

[AuntShecky]

It's good to keep a little mystery in verse, but you could clarify this one with judicious use of punctuation: the obvious question marks and maybe a comma after "wet" to lessen the confusion over "sleeping wet."

Tweak the word order a little bit: "there was a poet who once wrote poems about me."

The premise is a witty one: the actual or real subject of the poem vs. the idealized beloved. Jonathan Swift made fun of such disillusionment in "The Lady's Dressing Room," line 118 (Reader discretion advised.) Full disclosure--I had to look this one up online. I knew it was from Swift,not Ben Jonson, even though both chicks were named was "Celia." Dean Swift had a thing for somebody named Stella as well, but let's just let it pass.

[Jerrybaldy]

TBH I am drawn in by the juxtaposition of toilet in a romantic poem. That is poetry to me.

[free]

It's good to keep a little mystery in verse, but you could clarify this one with judicious use of punctuation: the obvious question marks and maybe a comma after "wet" to lessen the confusion over "sleeping wet."

Tweak the word order a little bit: "there was a poet who once wrote poems about me."

The premise is a witty one: the actual or real subject of the poem vs. the idealized beloved. Jonathan Swift made fun of such disillusionment in "The Lady's Dressing Room," line 118 (Reader discretion advised.) Full disclosure--I had to look this one up online. I knew it was from Swift,not Ben Jonson, even though both chicks were named was "Celia." Dean Swift had a thing for somebody named Stella as well, but let's just let it pass.

Thanks very much. So many informations and advices. Really helpful. Thanks, Aunt. :)

[free]

TBH I am drawn in by the juxtaposition of toilet in a romantic poem. That is poetry to me.

Thank you, Jerry. I thought about the fittingness of this word in a poem tending to sound highly romantic, sublime... but then I concluded that it might be just the right one to express the feeling of jealousy, wickedness towards the rival in this case. I am glad you've noticed. Thanks.