Giving it all Away

[Delta40]

Crumpled and yellow,
our eyes well up with life
but need a shovel each time we talk.

Underneath a jacaranda tree
violet flowers shake loose
from all the hot air.

All this beautiful wonder
slips through our hands.
Balmy as,
it turns brown on the ground.

[AuntShecky]

Evidently,the "hot air" evidently has a double meaning. And, in the spirit of full disclosure, sometimes a shovel may be an appropriate implement whenever yours fooly talks. So, I like the contrast of nature's beauty, bereft and ignored amid the excess of human speech which seems a contaminant rather than a "fertilizer."

I didn't understand Line 9 --"Balmy as,"

[virtuoso]

I like the devolution pattern in each of the three stanzas. We see the beauty all around us, but somehow our imperfections keep us from yoking our lives to it. I love how you bare the brokered reality of our human existence.

[Jerrybaldy]

Reread several times looking for clues .. leaves crumpled yellow then brown on the ground? A shovel as we talk ?? I am not clear on this one but it reads well all the same.

[Delta40]

Do I need to edit? V has a very nice grasp.

[Delta40]

Balmy as is a reference to the weather. Likewise somebody can be barmey as.

[Hawkman]

Hi Delta. Yes I think it does need an edit. The full stop after S3 L2 halts the flow of the thought, leaving the last two lines rather disconnected as they don't flow. "Balmy as," on it's own line also disrupts the cohesion of the verse. I'd be inclined to drop (or move) the comma and tack the last line onto L3. I'd be inclined to shorten it a bit though, so as not to over extend the line.

Maybe something like:

"All this beautiful wonder
slips through our hands
as balmy, it browns on the ground."

However, I'm not keen on "beautiful" in L1. I'd be inclined to put balmy there instead. You might try this...

"All this balmy wonder
slips through our hands,
only to brown on the ground."

Which seems to fit more coherently with the preceding verses.

Live and be well - H

[Carol58175817]

A calm feeling drifted inside me as I read your poem. However, I found your poem to be difficult to fathom. Keep that in mind, but please do not allow it to let you down. Keep writing!

[Delta40]

Thanks for your feedback everyone. It's difficult when using lingo in a poem which may not have a universal value. I know I'm also rather obscure at times too.

Hawk I think the English language is fascinating but its use comes down to taste as well so thanks kindly for those suggestions. You've been a big help in the past. Where have you been hiding btw?

[Hawkman]

Yes, I've been a bit preoccupied for the last few months. I'm beefing up my literary credentials at the University of Exeter. I'll be finishing in September and the I hope to get a teaching post. Nice to know someone missed me :D

Live and be well - H

[Haunted]

Balmy as also trips me up and Hawk's rewrite works for me. But go with what works for you, especially if it has a certain linguistic meaning to you. The opening is powerful and I like the shovel, even though it isn't fitting perfectly without a little more clearing up. Despite that I really like the poem as a whole.

[virtuoso]

I have an idea, Delta. How about this ending? "Balmy dander turning brown"/ "on the smitten ground"

[Delta40]

Thanks V. At 43c the poem goes down better in this neck of the woods. Especially with the jacarandas in full blossom.

[dara.cv]

I like it just as it reads.

I also like its mystery, leaving it open to interpretation. It seemed to me they were burying someone hinted in the lines "eyes well up with life" and "need a shovel every time we talk". As if the only occasion they get together is under the saddening passing of life, just as the jacaranda tree sheds its beautiful flowers turning them brown and lifeless. The coupling of the tree and burial have a calming effect which is necessary to express the tender emotion. That was my take anyway, really expressively gentle and beautiful poem.

[Delta40]

That's a lovely take dara.