BigBadWolf
12-02-2013, 03:12 PM
Hey there!
How's your sense of humour? Black, dark, is that how you want it to be? - (Twisted Sister, I couldn't resist)
Well, anyway, for those who answered yes to the previous question, I propose my short story:
The Three Little Roasted Pigs:
Yes, yes, nothing like the smeel of good roasted pork, specially if we're talking about little piglets.
Let's cut the crap with that traditional piece of propaganda about the three little pigs. What's with traditional tales and the sanctity of pigs? Pigs eat everything they can get in their filthy mouths. Even people. Yes, that's right. From all around Europe, there are stories about babies who got eaten by pigs who made their way into the owner's houses. Babies smell like milk, so, do the math.
And the wolves are always the bad asses. I'm not saying wolves are sweet teddy bears, for us to play around, nothing like that. I'm not one of those freaks who worship everything that's wild, without being pragmatic. Nature is awesome, so is security.
And so, now it starts. The story:
Once upon a time, there were three little piggies. Their names were: Ludvig van Pork, Pope Pork the Third, and Bernard Bacon.
Ludvig was a musician, Pork the Third was the leader of the All Mighty and Celestial Porkish Church, and finally, Bernard, was just a walking piece of bacon.
Each one of them lived in his own house. Ludvig Van Pork lived in a house of straw. He played the Piggyano. It's a porkish version of the piano. A very limited one. It only has one key, and the sound it produces is something like this: GRROINC.
So, I guess calling Ludvig a musician is a very motherfreaking big euphemism. He had some creativity with the rythms, though.
Pork the Third lived in a wooden church. There, he would attract all sorts of dumb pig asses, who were taught to worship a God, who allegedly created Pigs at his own image. Very convenient, in order to justify all the crap that pigs do, and also to keep other species out of the club.
Finally, Bernard, the Bacon. He wanted to be an actor. Now and then, he made commercials for human products. In exchange, they gave him dozens of packs of the product. And yes, we're talking about Pork Meat, including bacon. So, yes, he was a cannibal, and, yes, that's where he got his nickname. He lived in a house made of bricks. An old place, abandoned by humans.
Now, to the other side of the story. Guess who's hungry? And craving for some PRIME RIB?
Big bad wolf.
And so he enters the story:
- Man... - says Big Bad Wolf - I'm so freaking hungry! WOLFIE NEEDS SOME MEAT IN HIS BONES! And, as the ancient wise wolves used to say, we are what we eat... And I'm sick of hunting little sweet rabbits, and other small mammals... Back in the days, I would feast both on pigs and humans. GRR! AND I SHALL ARISE AGAIN!
Big Bad Wolf puts on his favourite album, Pork Meat is Awesome, from the band, WolfBite
- YEAH, BABY!!! Wolf Metal up your... oh, I must control my scary mouth. There can be some little wolves hearing me. Anyway:
- NHAC, NHAC FOR WOLFIE!! But where can I find a nice decent piece of meat? Hey, wait a minute... what's that noise? Seems like the sound of a pig. It's always the same. But it doesn't have a padron...
Ludvig was playing too loud his Piggyano. And Big Bad Wolf could hear it, after the WolfBite album ended. It's a very short album, just about 3 minutes.
- The sound of a pig?! THAT'S A HELL OF A TASTY SOUND. I have to go, and see where this is going.
So, Big Bad Wolf, dressed up as a sheep, and followed the sound. Eventually, he found the little house, made of straw, of Ludvig Van Pork. Such a sweet house. All filled with filth. Everything smelled like...well, like a pig dumpster.
- Damn'! That's an horrible smell! Worries? None! After I cook this little piglet, things will get better. And tasty, too! Ahah! Now, let me pretend I'm a little sheep!
And so, Big Bad Wolf started to imitate a sheep.
- Hellooo, mister Pig! I am a poor old sheep, lost in the woods! There's a big bad wolf around here, and I think he's trying to catch me. Would you be so kind to let me in your house, for protection?
- No.
- Why not?
- Well, after the wolf kills you, and eats you, I, as a pig, will be able to feast on your leftovers. Hey, that's kind of funny. Your leftovers. Literally.
- Man, this guy is such a... pig? Well, it's Ok. I have other ways to take down this pig hole.
And so, the Big Bad Wolf returned to his house, to pick up the latest WIND-MAKER 3500, to blow that place away. And yeah, did it work!
- YOU THINK I'M STILL IN THE MIDDLE AGES, PIG FACE? WELL, NO NEED TO FEEL NOSTALGIC. 'CAUSE I WILL COOK YOU IN MIDDLE AGES STYLE. COME HERE, YOU PORK.
- GRROIIINCC!!!!!!!!!!!! OH NO! The sheep is actually the wolf! Who could immagine?! Let's gooo!!
When he reached out to the Church, which is made of wood, and asked the protection of Pope Pork the Third, he got the usual answer of these creeps.
- Church is closed, and I will not put myself in danger in order to save another piece of pork, like me. Every pig for himself, in this life. I mean, uh, fear not, my son, God will take your soul, after the wolf devours your flesh... And I shall have a little taste myself, afterwards... We shouldn't let God's work go to waste, right? Specially if it's rich in Proteins! Or should I say, PorkTeins, ahah!
- I CAN HEAR YOU!
- Amen, my son. Now, let me pray, and finish my lunch...burp...bless me.
As expected, Big Bad Wolf caught Ludvig Von Pork.
- NO, PLEASE! NO!!
- Oh, yes.
And then, the big bad wolf mouth opened widely, and, just when Ludvig was about to be eaten alive, the wolf said:
- Hey, what the hell am I doing?
- Yes! You will spare my pig's life! You're so kind, and good hearted, mister Wolf!
- What? Of course not. What the hell was I doing, by almost eating you alive?! I'm gonna roast you, like the good walking barbecue that you are! And, speaking of hell, through the fire that will cook you, I will burn this Pig Church, or whatever they call it. I'm sure His Hollyness, will have a divine flavour. Pope Pork the Third, becomes Pork Meal the Second, ahahah!
And so it did! Ah, that crispy crunchy pork skin, and the delicious soft meat... The wolf could be bad, but he was filling pretty good. Plus: 100 % sulfit free!
Can you taste it? Come on, go get yourself a nice plate of bacon and eggs! Enter the mood!
And, speaking of bacon... Oh, Bernaaaard!!
- Are you ready to perform in a brand new commercial? - asked the wolf.
- GRROINC! YES! MORE PORK MEAT FOR ME AFTER, YES?
- Oh, yes, you filthy animal... plenty of pork meat for you... and YOU WILL BE PART OF IT, AFTER I GET YOU, AND EAT YOUR SORRY PORK ***. And also all the remaining parts.
- OH, NO! THE BIG BAD WOLF.
- Damn' right, Porkster.
- Ahah, I live in a house made of bricks! You cannot catch me, nha, nha, nha!
- First statement is true, - for now. The second one, is debatable. You are about to honour your nickname, you son of a pig.
And, suddenly, while headbanging to the sound of Raging Owl, particularly their hit single, ROAST THAT PIG, AND ROAST HIM GOOD, the Big Bad, and Full of Explosives Wolf, started planting TNT, dinamite, and all sorts of fireworks, around the brick house, where Bernard the Bacon used to do his pig business. Well, until today, we still don't know if that pig hole, in his last two seconds of pathetic pre-cooked life, understood what the hell - literally - was going to happen.
The little brick house, made a big nice juicy BAM!, and it all came down to pieces. Including the ones of Bernard! All cooked perfectly, and already sliced! Bernard became what he was meant to be, since the beggining: Bacon.
And so, the Big Bad Wolf lived happily ever after. Until the end of the week, at least. Fortunately, Little Red Riding Hood, was hanging around the forest and... oops... I'm just kidding!
Right?
The Three Little Roasted Pigs is a registered work.
How's your sense of humour? Black, dark, is that how you want it to be? - (Twisted Sister, I couldn't resist)
Well, anyway, for those who answered yes to the previous question, I propose my short story:
The Three Little Roasted Pigs:
Yes, yes, nothing like the smeel of good roasted pork, specially if we're talking about little piglets.
Let's cut the crap with that traditional piece of propaganda about the three little pigs. What's with traditional tales and the sanctity of pigs? Pigs eat everything they can get in their filthy mouths. Even people. Yes, that's right. From all around Europe, there are stories about babies who got eaten by pigs who made their way into the owner's houses. Babies smell like milk, so, do the math.
And the wolves are always the bad asses. I'm not saying wolves are sweet teddy bears, for us to play around, nothing like that. I'm not one of those freaks who worship everything that's wild, without being pragmatic. Nature is awesome, so is security.
And so, now it starts. The story:
Once upon a time, there were three little piggies. Their names were: Ludvig van Pork, Pope Pork the Third, and Bernard Bacon.
Ludvig was a musician, Pork the Third was the leader of the All Mighty and Celestial Porkish Church, and finally, Bernard, was just a walking piece of bacon.
Each one of them lived in his own house. Ludvig Van Pork lived in a house of straw. He played the Piggyano. It's a porkish version of the piano. A very limited one. It only has one key, and the sound it produces is something like this: GRROINC.
So, I guess calling Ludvig a musician is a very motherfreaking big euphemism. He had some creativity with the rythms, though.
Pork the Third lived in a wooden church. There, he would attract all sorts of dumb pig asses, who were taught to worship a God, who allegedly created Pigs at his own image. Very convenient, in order to justify all the crap that pigs do, and also to keep other species out of the club.
Finally, Bernard, the Bacon. He wanted to be an actor. Now and then, he made commercials for human products. In exchange, they gave him dozens of packs of the product. And yes, we're talking about Pork Meat, including bacon. So, yes, he was a cannibal, and, yes, that's where he got his nickname. He lived in a house made of bricks. An old place, abandoned by humans.
Now, to the other side of the story. Guess who's hungry? And craving for some PRIME RIB?
Big bad wolf.
And so he enters the story:
- Man... - says Big Bad Wolf - I'm so freaking hungry! WOLFIE NEEDS SOME MEAT IN HIS BONES! And, as the ancient wise wolves used to say, we are what we eat... And I'm sick of hunting little sweet rabbits, and other small mammals... Back in the days, I would feast both on pigs and humans. GRR! AND I SHALL ARISE AGAIN!
Big Bad Wolf puts on his favourite album, Pork Meat is Awesome, from the band, WolfBite
- YEAH, BABY!!! Wolf Metal up your... oh, I must control my scary mouth. There can be some little wolves hearing me. Anyway:
- NHAC, NHAC FOR WOLFIE!! But where can I find a nice decent piece of meat? Hey, wait a minute... what's that noise? Seems like the sound of a pig. It's always the same. But it doesn't have a padron...
Ludvig was playing too loud his Piggyano. And Big Bad Wolf could hear it, after the WolfBite album ended. It's a very short album, just about 3 minutes.
- The sound of a pig?! THAT'S A HELL OF A TASTY SOUND. I have to go, and see where this is going.
So, Big Bad Wolf, dressed up as a sheep, and followed the sound. Eventually, he found the little house, made of straw, of Ludvig Van Pork. Such a sweet house. All filled with filth. Everything smelled like...well, like a pig dumpster.
- Damn'! That's an horrible smell! Worries? None! After I cook this little piglet, things will get better. And tasty, too! Ahah! Now, let me pretend I'm a little sheep!
And so, Big Bad Wolf started to imitate a sheep.
- Hellooo, mister Pig! I am a poor old sheep, lost in the woods! There's a big bad wolf around here, and I think he's trying to catch me. Would you be so kind to let me in your house, for protection?
- No.
- Why not?
- Well, after the wolf kills you, and eats you, I, as a pig, will be able to feast on your leftovers. Hey, that's kind of funny. Your leftovers. Literally.
- Man, this guy is such a... pig? Well, it's Ok. I have other ways to take down this pig hole.
And so, the Big Bad Wolf returned to his house, to pick up the latest WIND-MAKER 3500, to blow that place away. And yeah, did it work!
- YOU THINK I'M STILL IN THE MIDDLE AGES, PIG FACE? WELL, NO NEED TO FEEL NOSTALGIC. 'CAUSE I WILL COOK YOU IN MIDDLE AGES STYLE. COME HERE, YOU PORK.
- GRROIIINCC!!!!!!!!!!!! OH NO! The sheep is actually the wolf! Who could immagine?! Let's gooo!!
When he reached out to the Church, which is made of wood, and asked the protection of Pope Pork the Third, he got the usual answer of these creeps.
- Church is closed, and I will not put myself in danger in order to save another piece of pork, like me. Every pig for himself, in this life. I mean, uh, fear not, my son, God will take your soul, after the wolf devours your flesh... And I shall have a little taste myself, afterwards... We shouldn't let God's work go to waste, right? Specially if it's rich in Proteins! Or should I say, PorkTeins, ahah!
- I CAN HEAR YOU!
- Amen, my son. Now, let me pray, and finish my lunch...burp...bless me.
As expected, Big Bad Wolf caught Ludvig Von Pork.
- NO, PLEASE! NO!!
- Oh, yes.
And then, the big bad wolf mouth opened widely, and, just when Ludvig was about to be eaten alive, the wolf said:
- Hey, what the hell am I doing?
- Yes! You will spare my pig's life! You're so kind, and good hearted, mister Wolf!
- What? Of course not. What the hell was I doing, by almost eating you alive?! I'm gonna roast you, like the good walking barbecue that you are! And, speaking of hell, through the fire that will cook you, I will burn this Pig Church, or whatever they call it. I'm sure His Hollyness, will have a divine flavour. Pope Pork the Third, becomes Pork Meal the Second, ahahah!
And so it did! Ah, that crispy crunchy pork skin, and the delicious soft meat... The wolf could be bad, but he was filling pretty good. Plus: 100 % sulfit free!
Can you taste it? Come on, go get yourself a nice plate of bacon and eggs! Enter the mood!
And, speaking of bacon... Oh, Bernaaaard!!
- Are you ready to perform in a brand new commercial? - asked the wolf.
- GRROINC! YES! MORE PORK MEAT FOR ME AFTER, YES?
- Oh, yes, you filthy animal... plenty of pork meat for you... and YOU WILL BE PART OF IT, AFTER I GET YOU, AND EAT YOUR SORRY PORK ***. And also all the remaining parts.
- OH, NO! THE BIG BAD WOLF.
- Damn' right, Porkster.
- Ahah, I live in a house made of bricks! You cannot catch me, nha, nha, nha!
- First statement is true, - for now. The second one, is debatable. You are about to honour your nickname, you son of a pig.
And, suddenly, while headbanging to the sound of Raging Owl, particularly their hit single, ROAST THAT PIG, AND ROAST HIM GOOD, the Big Bad, and Full of Explosives Wolf, started planting TNT, dinamite, and all sorts of fireworks, around the brick house, where Bernard the Bacon used to do his pig business. Well, until today, we still don't know if that pig hole, in his last two seconds of pathetic pre-cooked life, understood what the hell - literally - was going to happen.
The little brick house, made a big nice juicy BAM!, and it all came down to pieces. Including the ones of Bernard! All cooked perfectly, and already sliced! Bernard became what he was meant to be, since the beggining: Bacon.
And so, the Big Bad Wolf lived happily ever after. Until the end of the week, at least. Fortunately, Little Red Riding Hood, was hanging around the forest and... oops... I'm just kidding!
Right?
The Three Little Roasted Pigs is a registered work.