Carol58175817
11-29-2013, 10:45 PM
Hello to all, I've just completed two versions of one poem and I was wondering which one was better. So If you can leave a vote or comment, that'd be great.
FIRST VERSION
Outside, it was raining,
Inside, he was praying.
Eyes, they were roaming,
Oh dear, he was hoping.
Outside, clouds were crying,
Inside, he was hurting.
Arms, they were shaking,
Oh dear, he was sobbing.
Outside, skies were howling,
Inside, his heart was bleeding.
Legs, they were weakening,
Oh dear, he was dying.
SECOND VERSION
Outside, it rained,
Inside, he prayed.
Eyes, they roamed,
There, he hoped.
Outside, clouds cried,
Inside, he ached.
Arms, they shook,
There, he sobbed.
Outside, skies howled,
Inside, his heart bled.
Legs, they weakened,
There, he died.
As I have said in all other posts, I welcome all honest opinions, whether they be positive or negative. Suggestions on a title would be great. It would be greatly appreciated if you could tell me which version was better and why. Thank you very much for reading and I will be looking forward to your replies!
FIRST VERSION
Outside, it was raining,
Inside, he was praying.
Eyes, they were roaming,
Oh dear, he was hoping.
Outside, clouds were crying,
Inside, he was hurting.
Arms, they were shaking,
Oh dear, he was sobbing.
Outside, skies were howling,
Inside, his heart was bleeding.
Legs, they were weakening,
Oh dear, he was dying.
SECOND VERSION
Outside, it rained,
Inside, he prayed.
Eyes, they roamed,
There, he hoped.
Outside, clouds cried,
Inside, he ached.
Arms, they shook,
There, he sobbed.
Outside, skies howled,
Inside, his heart bled.
Legs, they weakened,
There, he died.
As I have said in all other posts, I welcome all honest opinions, whether they be positive or negative. Suggestions on a title would be great. It would be greatly appreciated if you could tell me which version was better and why. Thank you very much for reading and I will be looking forward to your replies!