Pumpkin Harvest

[virtuoso]

On a crisp Autumn morning

a powder-puff frost tinged

with orange ribbons decorates

the pumpkin field.

A gown of satin crystals

covers a mellow-pumpkin

train; orange faces kissed with

a sugary dollop baring hollow

ridges that scorn the radiant

glow twined to sparkling,

fibrous ropes.



A parade of immigrant laborers

dressed in the colors of

a rainbow greet the golden

sun. A prism of light

intersects the human

mast and the colorful

deck; columns of gilded

limbs caress the fluorescent

gourds on the shimmering

mounds, then snip their

frost-bitten umbilical

cords

[Bewlay Brother]

I'd change the first line to "On a crisp Autumn morning"

Morn is a frustrating antiquated word that kills the flow and rhythm of the poem right from the start. Nothing special happens in the first line, which is fine, the first line just needs to set the scene and start a rhythm that seamlessly transitions from line to line to develop the imagery. So it's a fine first line, just use the word people actually use -- morning. And get rid of those commas. Nothing in the first line is showcase worthy, but it IS poem worthy.

You don't need the "with" after intersects. It hurts the rhythm.

I don't like the word dollop. It's ugly. I'd look for a better word.

But other than that, I like most of the imagery in the poem. There are some nice moments of consonance and I think if you refine the rhythm it can be a nice poem. Though I'm a bit unsure of the powder-puff line. I have no idea what you're talking about. But I like the frost tinged orange ribbons part, that's good. Powder-puff abstracts my attempts to visualize those lines of poetry.

[virtuoso]

I appreciate your close reading, Belway. I have decided to take most of your suggestions. I kind of like the word dollop. It has the connotation of a sweet primer, a topping like whipped cream. Thanks again, for your helpful critique.

[Bewlay Brother]

Yeah I can understand that. I just personally hate the word dollop. *shudder*

[virtuoso]

I understand as well. Many people think that it is a bland word. I forgot to explain my rationale for "powder-puff frost". A powder puff coats and whitens the human face, and it does the same to the dark, soil face of the field.

[Bewlay Brother]

Oh. So that's why they're called the powder-puff girls. I thought a powder-puff was a type of eclair for some reason. Maybe I'm thinking of cream puffs?