stay

[cacian]

when you make an impression
on people
they literally tickle
that is because they never felt
that way.
imagine when you say
they could almost pray
to silence the day
to just hear you stay.

[YesNo]

The "tickle" part was nice. I hadn't thought of the novelty that making an impression brings like that before. Also, the "silence the day" and "hear you stay" at the end seemed unusual and right.

[Bewlay Brother]

I think your idea for the poem is good, but I think the presentation and form is severely lacking, clunky, and lifeless.

None of the words sound good together. Literally is used the wrong way for no good reason. I don't like the use of second person. Make it about the narrator, zoom it in, bring to life a scene that embodies that heightened feeling of closeness and longing that you are vaguely hinting to us. Do I know what type of emotions this poem is about? Yes. I have a brain, I can understand this generalized feeling. But you didn't make me feel it. Just zoom it in and get inside the narrator's head. Do more than roughly explain a feeling to a random "you" person.

I'd suggest listening to "Stay" by the master, David Bowie. It's about the same thing as this poem, same title even, but it's about fire not explanation.

[chirpy]

Should have known someone with the username Bewlay Brother was going to bring up db!
I laughed at you comment because it reminds me a lot of what I WANT to say and I really respect you for saying it!

[cacian]

The "tickle" part was nice. I hadn't thought of the novelty that making an impression brings like that before. Also, the "silence the day" and "hear you stay" at the end seemed unusual and right.

YesNo thank you.:)

[cacian]

I think your idea for the poem is good, but I think the presentation and form is severely lacking, clunky, and lifeless.

None of the words sound good together. Literally is used the wrong way for no good reason. I don't like the use of second person. Make it about the narrator, zoom it in, bring to life a scene that embodies that heightened feeling of closeness and longing that you are vaguely hinting to us. Do I know what type of emotions this poem is about? Yes. I have a brain, I can understand this generalized feeling. But you didn't make me feel it. Just zoom it in and get inside the narrator's head. Do more than roughly explain a feeling to a random "you" person.

I'd suggest listening to "Stay" by the master, David Bowie. It's about the same thing as this poem, same title even, but it's about fire not explanation.

thank you Bewlay for reading and commenting.
I am happy with it although you may disagree that it is clunky.
this is a just a generalisation a typical impression. it is up to the reader to put it into context. sometimes less is more you would remember better I think.
of course impression here positive not negative. :)