U liek poemz?

[Jack of Hearts]

delete

[Jerrybaldy]

Yes, I Am Part Fire


Listen-

the inside of an open palm
is a closed fist.

Yes, I am part fire,

yes I hunt through shadows
for touch

and hate like a caged animal,

love like light
through wrought iron bars.

Love like an overflowing cup
that spills through my hands, my body,
your hair, the surface of your skin;

the air, the smoke between us.

Good to read you again Jack. I have quoted before you delete :) I have read this four or five times now
That alone is an accolade. I particularly like the cage metaphor. I wasn't sure about the end at first but it had grown on me as completion of the fire theme. Nice one Jack.

[DieterM]

This is simply excellent. There are often lines or metaphors I wish I had written. But this is a whole poem I wish was mine. Can't point out a single line as it's an all. And, like Jerrybaldy, I read it several times, liking it even more the more often I read it. Jealous congrats ;-)

[hannah_arendt]

It`s excellent:) Congratulations:)

[cacian]

what is the meaning of the title?

[AuntShecky]

Change the "like" to "as" in the similes describing verbs "hate," "love," etc. and this will be nearly flawless.

[DocHeart]

Yeah we like poemz.

Only some folk around here think it's proper to delete them poemz fore we get a chance to read 'em.

(That was my southern accent. Sorry.)

As luck would have it, however, a person quoted it in its entirety in a subsequent post. Nie-nie-nei-niiiieeee-niee.

This is absolutely brilliant. You enjoy serenading your women, don't you, young man? There is delightful imagery, put across in a calm, soft voice. It echoes in the dark.

Regards,
DH

[Jerrybaldy]

Blimey. When did I become a person.

[prendrelemick]

Yez we does

[Jack of Hearts]

delete

[prendrelemick]

Quick! somebody save this.

[Bewlay Brother]

I like the voice a lot, it seems almost like you break the 4th wall even though you don't.

I really like most of the similes, but after the wrought iron bars line I think the rest of the poem wasn't nearly as good. The imagery just doesn't hit me that hard, and after your first few it seems like you're about to make a big discovery, but it doesn't happen.

I would try and come up with 3 more great lines that propel the poem forward, deeper into your mind. I think the focus of the poem is the caged animal not the flames.

[Jack of Hearts]

baleet

[chirpy]

Pick


Pick a rolling green field
as it slopes into the river.

Birds will fly; pick.

Pick a summer night in a book,
a girl with freckles.

In the dark shadows
of some dusty place,
see a martini glass.

She never leaves her drink.

Birds will fly over the
shining river, a mirror image,
goodbye summer, goodbye to all that,
when you were young and
looking out a lovestained window.

She'll never leave the drink,
not where she leans on the bar
oh so coolly.

She'll leave the glass lonely
as a stem in the darkness,
when the place empties out,
alone.

The spirits she'll consume,
both will be used and worthless.

So pick.

Pick a flying bird,
not an empty glass,
a spirit.

oh whoa

[chirpy]

I can't help but project onto this one with the I-know-better-now wisdom. Reading about two people one who attentively chooses where to lay and the other with trained awareness never leaves her drink unattended and are they the same person? I can't help but relate. I love how the thought processes meld together so seamlessly, the duality? of the actions. Same thought going into them, possibly same goals... but the unbearable sadness of having lost your spirits!
shining river, .. goodbye summer oh THTA IS ASDFGHJKL:

(i apologize for double posting not sure how the quoting thing goes)

[Jack of Hearts]

delete

[liza]

All I've Got to Spare


I.

The blue city bus speeds by and kicks up leaves, the corner of my jacket. A man in a business suit runs past where I'm standing and he's carrying a rolled up newspaper under his arm.

II.

I want to crawl into someplace warm. I want to crawl into your living room and curl upon your red pillow for a couple hours.

III.

On cold days, the sky is especially crisp. Jet streams skip across it like still water. I adjust my beanie as I look up at them, my face tingling from the chill.

IV.

Being outside, being cold makes a body heavy and tired. Can I be your winter clothes, your late fall clothes; let me rest on your musty shelf a while. Put me on your gracile frame, your tepid skin.

V.

A couple hours. I'm all I've got to spare; a winter, a fall season, the exhaust behind the tailpipe, the patter behind the footstep, the steak across the sky and the fingers through your hair.

deleted

[AuntShecky]

All of these are evocative, JoH, but to tell you the exact truth, I wouldn't in a million years believe that you wear a beanie.

[Jerrybaldy]

Jack. Come back.

[Jack of Hearts]

All of these are evocative, JoH, but to tell you the exact truth, I wouldn't in a million years believe that you wear a beanie.

Why?



J

[qimissung]

Yes, we leik poemz! Please, sir, may we have some more?

[munkinhead]

Love to read you Jack

[Jack of Hearts]

duhleet

[Jerrybaldy]

You lost me there Jack but it sounds great.

[Jack of Hearts]

Well thanks for giving it a try anyways JB, but, to be fair, this reader will say he had a hairy time with your ball poem.





J

[Jerrybaldy]

Ah the balls poem was just balls :)
My lack of understanding of your poem hasn't stopped me enjoying it, Jack and it has caused much re-reading. I suspect, by the opening line that clarity was not the point. Whatever a fried egg love affair is, I think I want one.
Edit. Is the opening line adoring a physical position of feet being held up to one's head? Like a baby would?

[Hawkman]

Hi Jack.
Yes, it does come across as a bit cryptic. Every time I think I've got a handle on it the ball slips from my grasp. Is your narrator in love with a waitress by any chance? A revision of punctuation might help. Line one, for instance, needs a comma after 'you'... S2 L1 reads like a statement, but L2 reads like a comment on a rhetorical question. Not sure whether a ? or maybe an em dash at the end of s2 L1, wouldn't aid the reader.

In S3 the rhythm is thrown off by putting 'striped' at the end of the line. I feel it would be better at the beginning of L2, although you could perhaps add a syllable to L1.

The second half of the poem really flows rather well. I particularly like S7.

I think the main problem for someone trying to interpret the poem is the seeming switches in narrator and the person or object being addressed. Who are 'they' and why 'wear you now'? Otherwise one can interpret the piece as being a working dad who doesn't spend much time at home and missed his child growing up. It's certainly a creative piece and gives the reader something to reflect upon, but minor inconsistencies are a little confusing.

Live and be well - H

[qimissung]

It's very sweet. I hope it's ok to say that. I think it's fine like it is-I like the line "touched as porcelain coffee cups" I think means that he (whoever he is) touches her very delicately. The only think about that line that throws me a bit is the "touched" which I have difficulty separating from the old saying about being "touched in the head." I also don't know if the "Sunday morning, fried egg love affair" means if they're serious or it's just a fling, but I don't think it really matters. I think mostly they are having fun.

[Jack of Hearts]

duhleet

[Jack of Hearts]

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[Jack of Hearts]

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[Jack of Hearts]

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[Jack of Hearts]

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[AuntShecky]

How I Learned Your Name

A heartbeat gave.

The sound it made
was gentle and warm
in my mother's chest,

cradled by breath,

before I was born.

A sigh of relief
that it doesn't say "delete."

[Jack of Hearts]

delete

[Jerrybaldy]

Too late. Happily .

[Jack of Hearts]

Jack, your poems are so good hopefully you die, blah blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

[Jack of Hearts]

dulite

[AuntShecky]

Just as the double play is a pitcher's best friend, the writer's best pal is the "DELETE" key. Unfortunately, though, I think you should check your keyboard. That particular key seems to be stuck (to the dismay of your devoted readers.)