Emptiness

[Anomandaris]

I watch you and I feel a pain.
I dream a realm in a sleep insane.
My heart feels like a sparrow,
after you I always follow.
My life is just so sour,
'cuz I know what's coming - my final hour.
Your face was beautiful like a full moon,
but The Reaper hailed us way too soon.
Now the world is full of darkness,
and my heart feels overtaken by the sadness.
Deep inside me grows something foul,
but night eternal is coming for me now.

[Jerrybaldy]

"After you I always follow", is a classic example of a line bastardised to make it rhyme.

[Bewlay Brother]

"After you I always follow", is a classic example of a line bastardised to make it rhyme.

Or an example of how Robert Frost would make a line rhyme.

And what if the line isn't the inverse version of "I will always follow you," but instead, a statement that after his relationship with her, he is no longer the leader in his life but instead a follower?

But yeah, the aa bb cc dd ee ff, etc etc rhyme scheme does not help out the poem.

[Anomandaris]

Or an example of how Robert Frost would make a line rhyme.

And what if the line isn't the inverse version of "I will always follow you," but instead, a statement that after his relationship with her, he is no longer the leader in his life but instead a follower?

But yeah, the aa bb cc dd ee ff, etc etc rhyme scheme does not help out the poem.

That is the point of the whole poem - the man is no longer in control of his own life, after her he is empty,hollow, and he waits for the only thing that can save him from the sorrow which is consuming his soul.And also thank to both of you for your criticism, I appreciate it,even more because english is not my native language.

[cacian]

I watch at you? is that an expression? new?

''My heart feels like a sparrow''
sparrow is a bird.
''Deep inside me grows something fowl,''
a fowl is also a bird.

it is interesting you brought them up in this piece.
how do you know how a sparrow feels like?

[Anomandaris]

well,about the fowl, it is a mistake I didn't see, it was supposed to be foul, and about the sparrow, I have contemplated them for many years in my home country and noticed that they stay together, and that if one of them dies the rest stay around it for some time, like they are morrowing it... and so I had decided to include them here

[cacian]

well,about the fowl, it is a mistake I didn't see, it was supposed to be foul, and about the sparrow, I have contemplated them for many years in my home country and noticed that they stay together, and that if one of them dies the rest stay around it for some time, like they are morrowing it... and so I had decided to include them here

I see. what about ' I watch at you'?
did you mean 'I watch you'? :)