He

[Dilvin]

He is the flood through the hell of my body,
The fire burning down the heaven of my soul;
He is the weakest spot of my god of mind,
The greatest pleasure of my primitive ghoul.

Lord! What didn't kill me has only made me deader;
May the scream I hold in my lungs be my gift to you forever!

[Bewlay Brother]

I like this a lot. And I see this is your first post which is exciting.

But I don't like lines three and four nearly as much as I like the rest of the lines.

All the lines speak in abstractions rather than imagery, but that doesn't hurt the poem in lines 1,2, 5, and 6 as all the concepts expressed are easily understood, intriguing, and electric. But the abstractions in lines 3 and 4 muddle the meanings of the lines and, by extension, the entire poem. Also, the soul/ghoul rhyme is forced.

I immediately made the connection that lines 1, 2, and 3 are concretely about the scream held in the narrator's lungs, so anyone who reads this poem should have something intriguing and solid to sink their teeth into.

But the scream in the lungs strongly encourages the reader to explore it as a metaphor, which adds great depth and wonder to the poem.

So quite a success for a four line *and one word* poem.

(Though the poem is currently 6 lines *and one word* and convoluted. So I say definitely cut lines 3 and 4.)

[Dilvin]

I like this a lot. And I see this is your first post which is exciting.

But I don't like lines three and four nearly as much as I like the rest of the lines.

All the lines speak in abstractions rather than imagery, but that doesn't hurt the poem in lines 1,2, 5, and 6 as all the concepts expressed are easily understood, intriguing, and electric. But the abstractions in lines 3 and 4 muddle the meanings of the lines and, by extension, the entire poem. Also, the soul/ghoul rhyme is forced.

I immediately made the connection that lines 1, 2, and 3 are concretely about the scream held in the narrator's lungs, so anyone who reads this poem should have something intriguing and solid to sink their teeth into.

But the scream in the lungs strongly encourages the reader to explore it as a metaphor, which adds great depth and wonder to the poem.

So quite a success for a four line *and one word* poem.

(Though the poem is currently 6 lines *and one word* and convoluted. So I say definitely cut lines 3 and 4.)

This was the first and only English poem I wrote. I wrote it when I was 16 years old, which was 5 years ago. English is not my native language and writing in a foreign language has its certain disadvantages, so your comments mean a lot to me. Now I want to get back to writing poetry in English and I just thought I'd start by sharing this one.

I agree with what you said about lines 3 and 4. I might write new lines or take them out completely, I'm going to think about it. Thank you very much for your kind reply :)