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View Full Version : What do you think of this short story?



Chris5126
10-27-2013, 12:40 AM
The tin bell jingled above the door as the man entered the barbershop. Stopping upon the threshold he scanned the long narrow room and seeing that there was only one other customer still waiting decided to come in. He took off his wool jacket placed it neatly upon a chair sat down and waited for one of the three barbers still working to call him over. He was wearing a beige pair of khakis. Overall his appearance was rather neat. He sat with his legs crossed before being approached by the one of the barbers.
“Ready?” The barber asked raising his eyebrows meekly in anticipation to the man’s answer. This caught the man somewhat off guard as the barber had seemed almost to rise from the ground. He had not seen him approaching from the other end of the barbershop as the room was very long and dark as it was already dusk.
“Yes,” the man said emphatically raising his body to its full height and adjusting his belt. But the barber only smiled lowering his black eyes slightly. The barber was a small man with very large black eyes.
The man followed the barber who with his long vigorous strides, which were out of keeping with his short stature and age, led him to his seat at the end of the room. The barber finally stopped at the second to last chair near the peeling wallpaper and for a moment holding tightly with both hands the plastic protective gown that hung over the back of the chair in one swift downward motion uncovered the seat as though it were a magic trick—that he were revealing something. The man sitting down upon the black barber chair let the barber place the protective gown around him.
“How’s things?” The barber seemed to ask. His accent was rather thick and so it was hard for the man to understand. He thought he caught some words that the barber had said and inferred from them the rest of the question.
“Well.” the man replied curtly staring in the mirror on the wall at his hair as the barber combed the front of his hair, took up some hair from the front of his scalp in two fingers, held the ends and began cutting. It was obvious that the man did not want to partake in any sort of conversation and was intending to make it clear to the barber. But the barber seemed not to notice. He stopped cutting and was combing the hair on the sides now and spraying it with water. He took some hair held it straight between his two fingers again and cut the ends then examined his work. He sidestepped around the back of the chair to the other side bending and bringing his head closer to the hair as he made the next cut. His black loafers tapped on the floor as a magician taps his wand as he glided around the barber chair.
The barber muttered something that sounded strange but the man did not listen. He was bothered by the barber’s insolence. The man wanted to put a stop to this immediately.
“Can you just cut my hair?” The man said intending to come off severe enough to make it quite clear that he did not want to enter into any sort of conversation with the barber.
The barber said nothing. He continued cutting the man’s hair and combing it. He was examining the hair sidestepped from one side of the barber chair to the other and began muttering again. He stopped. He examined his work once more. He made a few more cuts leaning and stretching his body over the man’s head and was done. He combed the man’s hair and put back the scissors on the counter. Then he dropped the comb back in the blue solution and took up a mirror to show the man his haircut. This was all done efficiently. He gently laid down the mirror on the counter with his back toward the man and muttered louder.
The stubborn insolence of the barber seemed strange to the man especially since he had told him to stop. Not only that, but the haircut wasn’t very good. He unbuttoned the blue plastic covering and got up from the seat. He told the barber what he thought. The barber was now standing with his head lowered and clasping his hands in front of his body silent. The man spoke again. But the barber only stared at the ground with his head lowered still silent. The man stopped. The barber took a step forward his head still lowered. His head raised and his face was contorted. He muttered strangely moving toward the man. The man stared at the face. There was laughter coming in from outside child’s laughter and the man slid his hand into his pocket for his money to give the amount due to the barber mumbling with a pained expression. He dropped the money into the barber’s hand as he stuck it out. The barber bowed to him and the man turned and walked toward the front door which was now quite dark. He walked out of the door.

AuntShecky
10-28-2013, 02:57 PM
I would think better of this story if
--it had a title
--if there had been a space between the paragraphs
--it opened in a more dynamic way, "in medias res"
--if it showed more than it told
--if it avoided unecessary information, e.g. the color of the customer's pants, the barber's eyes etc.
--if the prose had a bit more flare and there had been some variation in the types of sentences,rather than a long string of simple declarative sentences
--if it avoided the obvious--"He walked out of [sic] the door."
--if something really had happened
--if the narrator really had something to say.

Try again.

allenjlyons
11-13-2013, 06:15 AM
it is really a nice work...It passing a good message too ..I love this work very much.

synodbio
11-14-2013, 06:14 AM
I appreciated this short story. Good work