New Poems! Comments?

[Carol58175817]

Here are my brand-new poems:

I danced among the birds of paradise,
I felt something I couldn't price.
Freedom and love ran down my spine,
I was going to fly and shine.

When sadness is eating your inside,
lay down by a weeping willow's side.
She will forever weep with you,
for she cries wherever her vines flew.

You are beautiful like a butterfly,
and do not need to brag about being able to fly.
Even if you see others who shine,
Remember you glow from the heart just fine.

Some of my poems may be better than the others, so feel free to comment on all of them, or maybe just one or two. Personal opinions are appreciated, whether they be positive or negative. Advice/s on how the poems could improve would be great. Thank you very much for reading and I will be looking forward to your replies!

[Mohammad Ahmad]

I think it contains a good rhythmical sound although it lacks to the logical cohesion of a well poetry texture for example ( freedom and love ran down my spine!) I was going to fly and shine...
( Even if you see others who shine,
Remember you glow from the heart just fine....
Look to this:
When you see others who love life,
You may keep away from thy grief

[Jerrybaldy]

Hi Carol

My advice would be to ditch the rhyming couplets, sling the weeping willows, birds of paradise and beautiful butterflies and write about something you care about or can imagine, put yourself in a situation in your minds eye and write about being there. Think about something that evokes strong feelings in you and put them on the page.

Finally do not look to this :

When you see others who love life,
You may keep away from thy grief .

Because its awful.


Just my opinion of course.

JB

[Delta40]

Lol I agree - do away with the rhyme because its the driving force in your poems and limits your free expression. It sounds to me you could say a whole lot more if you didn't worry whether the last words would rhyme or not. Why not read some free verse poetry?

[Mohammad Ahmad]

Hi Carol



Finally do not look to this :

When you see others who love life,
You may keep away from thy grief .

Because its awful.


Just my opinion of course.

JB

I wonder! Why is this saying is awful? Do people haven't feelings? Aren't we humans sharing others in their joy and in their sadness? I think no one can blame me if I said that because it is an ideal maxim, moreover, I don't say it is bad poem and if someone left some comments against my literary works I shall discuss the matter with him if his objection is built on systematical method...
Yesterday I am sure that I saw my comments were moved by someone and I kept silent.
This day I saw some comments were written by ( Delta40 ) under the poem I wrote yesterday ( Your coffee Vs. my coffee) and I shall not be furious, but let me say, the matter of opposing other is not here only.
However, for me I call the peace always when I see the peace is in the other side but if not I should prefer the silence.
This fact is everywhere common in the world because when someone is alone or stranger, others will cooperate altogether against him even if he is on the right side...
But let me ask the implied question:
I didn't know why someone asked others to write down their comments then immanently he went on changing his mind to be unsatisfied in what they had said or was going to be disturbed and annoyed!If the matter is alike I will not share in any comment in the future..Please choose the peace.