A Fabulous First Line

[Icee]

Hello forumers
I am competing in a contest where I have to create a great first line for a short story, which will be based on the line that wins. I'm eleven years old, and I'm in a contest with thousands of kids across the country. There are nine year old competitors to fourteen year old competitors. I'll need some help. Can you guys give me tips?
My goal is to make a "hook", something to catch the reader's attention. I have to do it in only one line, so I want to cram in as much information as possible into that single sentence.

Here's what I have so far.

My name would’ve been boldly printed in newspapers, would’ve flashed on billboards, would’ve twinkled on televisions, would’ve been the most famous gathering of syllables in the world, if only this one legend had reached the sky and brought me up like a ladder…but of course, it ruined my world instead, shattered me and tossed me into a deep, dark crevice of despair, crumbling my dreams to pitiful piles of dust.

I need to:
-Shorten it
-Make the possibilities more clear

The plot that I'm going for is basically "I tried something awesome but then it got me into deep trouble instead"

[Eman Resu]

I have to do it in only one line, so I want to cram in as much information as possible into that single sentence.

"Not always bigger better is." - Yoda.

"The purpose of any first line," said one dead Greek¹ "is to make the reader want to read the second line." To that end, The Song of Ilion was foty-four words in the original text, compared to David (The Trouble With Tribbles) Gerrold's The Shortest Science Fiction Story Ever Written:

"Time stopped. Yesterday."


Yep, it could have been done as a single sentence; there was a reason that it wasn't, and this seemingly "silly" reason has set writers and authors apart for millennia.

Your job is to write an idea, not a string of words. Make the reader want to read the second line.



¹Aristophanes.

[Calidore]

I'll second that. A line carrying too much of a load, like the one above, will collapse under the weight, and people will stop reading. I may be misinterpreting what you mean, but I'm not sure you need to make specific possibilities more clear; rather, all you want to do is let the reader know that there are possibilities and get him interested in them.

In your line above, I'd lose the metaphors and repetition, for a start. Keep it simple. The first line, again, is for generating interest in the story, not for showing off your writing.

Also, props for asking for tips rather than for people to do your work for you. Many students who come here are twice your age but would do well to learn from you.

Edit: Further suggestion--Check if you can look at past winners and runners-up, so you can see what works.

[Eman Resu]

I'm not sure you need to make specific possibilities more clear; rather, all you want to do is let the reader know that there are possibilities and get him interested in them.


Exactly - don't think for the reader - make her / him aware that there are "possibilities" - plural.

"I was very young - barely seventy - when the last Human was entombed."

A First like should demand closure. Shave and a haircut,

[Calidore]

Exactly - don't think for the reader - make her / him aware that there are "possibilities" - plural.

"I was very young - barely seventy - when the last Human was entombed."

A First like should demand closure. Shave and a haircut,

Nice. Icee, needless to say, you are not allowed to use that line. Or this one--example only:

"Mom said that if I wanted more friends, I needed to be a magnet, not a grenade; but then she pulled the pin."

[cacian]

I feel the 'would'have' expression is almost but not nearly. should the first line asserts rather then conditions?
it is juts a thought of mine :)

[AuntShecky]

Check out the "winners" of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction contest for the past couple years and you'll know what NOT to do. Meanwhile, aim to make your sentence short and concise. Brevity is the wit of shorts.

[Eman Resu]

Check out the "winners" of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction contest for the past couple years and you'll know what NOT to do. Meanwhile, aim to make your sentence short and concise. Brevity is the wit of shorts.


Good grief - I thought that went, "wit is the shorts of breva tea." Ah done spent 'bout halffa century wonderin' how anyone could make tea outta figs, let along find shorts to fit once it was brewed.

[AuntShecky]

Good grief - I thought that went, "wit is the shorts of breva tea." Ah done spent 'bout halffa century wonderin' how anyone could make tea outta figs, let along find shorts to fit once it was brewed.

Actually, the expression is "Shorts are the wit of briefs," originally a slogan of Fruit of the Loom (or maybe it was Hanes.)

[Ecurb]

In keeping with the above advice, I recommend: "This story is written on special Chinese Poison Paper; anyone who touches it will die in agony within twelve hours without the antidote, which is revealed in the pages that follow."