Could someone please comment on my new poems?

[Carol58175817]

I had lately written four short poems which I'd like to share.

The last flower stands quiet and still,
shedding petals of tears without a will.
Unheard sobs and unseen sorrow,
she cries as there is no tomorrow.

When sadness seep through your body,
remember you are not alone.
Purple hyacinths are out there,
suffering inside the bone.

Look at forests rather than trees,
and love feeling the gentle breeze.
Bend down and touch the trail of breadcrumbs,
fathom the fact that best moments are yet to come.

The day I loved the day I drowned,
I was broken when he frowned.
Blood scattered and heart shattered,
Finally realizing what had truly mattered.

Positive and negative comments are both welcome for I appreciate all objective comments. Thank you very much for reading.

[Buh4Bee]

My poetic skills are probably as good as yours, so with that said, I don't have much to offer in the area of stylistic criticism.

I didn't quite follow the logic of these lines:
Purple hyacinths are out there,
suffering inside the bone.

I get the connection that you feel sorrow internally throughout your whole being, but I saw no further connection to the hyacinth and bones. The logic seems flawed.

I personally liked the third poem the best.

[Melanie]

I liked "petals of tears". I would shorten the last 2 lines of the green poem to read:

Bend down and touch the trail of crumbs;
fathom the best moments yet to come.

[Mohammad Ahmad]

I had lately written four short poems which I'd like to share.

The last flower stands quiet and still,
shedding petals of tears without a will.
Unheard sobs and unseen sorrow,
she cries as there is no tomorrow.

When sadness seep through your body,
remember you are not alone.
Purple hyacinths are out there,
suffering inside the bone.

Look at forests rather than trees,
and love feeling the gentle breeze.
Bend down and touch the trail of breadcrumbs,
fathom the fact that best moments are yet to come.

The day I loved the day I drowned,
I was broken when he frowned.
Blood scattered and heart shattered,
Finally realizing what had truly mattered.

Positive and negative comments are both welcome for I appreciate all objective comments. Thank you very much for reading.

Ok! The human could leave his sorrow if he looked amazingly into the nature inhaling its soft breeze and life is difficult without poetry....
Poetry is the butter and slat we stretched over our bread , seeing the rose, the chanted nightingale is the thing that goes in softening our souls ..
I love poetry, and I find pleasure in your poem... Good luck

[Delta40]

They're rather like dark hallmarks to me and I agree that not all of them make sense. You would do better writing in free verse imho since the potential is there.

[virtuoso]

I like the way you meld natural cycles with the human emotions/condition. In the first poem, I think that line two should be tweaked a bit. The languid flower is dying and has no will to extend its perpetuity. A brilliant metaphor for the person succumbing to a slow, but unrecognized, inner death. But line two would sound better if you stated it more succinctly. For example, "Shedding petals; leaving no will". The tears are recognized in the next line. Also, in the last line, I think the pronoun for the flower should be "it".

In the second poem, I think that "seep" should be "seeps". I agree with the others that the last line makes no sense. Hyacinths are sometimes grown in a cone. Why not say that there is suffering inside the cone. You would have to tweak the previous line a little bit. For example, "Purple hyacinths inwardly seethe/Suffering inside their cone".

On poem three, the first line does not mesh with the second line. You could say, "Look at the forest through the trees/ and feel the gentle breeze".


In the last poem, their is no symmetry between line one and line two. You are wholly immersed in line one, then suddenly broken in line two. You need a transition phrase or conjunction to bring about this sudden change. For line two, you could try this; "but the dam broke when he frowned". In line three, you need a pronoun to begin the line. "My blood spattered; heart shattered". You could omit "finally" in the last line.

I enjoyed your concise, but emotionally intense, poems. I look forward to reading more of your poetry!

[AuntShecky]

Strive to depict the less familiar. Try to approach your topic(s) in a brand-new, unique way. Clichés are anathema.