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MANICHAEAN
10-08-2013, 03:06 AM
Trying To Call It A Day.

Mort Shoonbecker was a born loser. He was both a generic loser and a specific loser, having spent most of his so called “formative years” losing out to other guy’s, mainly over women and, although at times you might have thought he had hit rock bottom, he still continued to dig. The pathos now lay in the fact, that although diagnosed two months earlier in Detroit with an inoperable brain tumour and resolved in his cups to end it all, he could not even get that right.

The leading causes of fatalities in Americans come as no surprise; heart disease, cancer, stroke, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, diabetes and Alzheimer’s disease, in that order. Mort, in his fifties, overweight and out of condition qualified for them all. Almost all of these factors are related to either environment, bad food, obesity, or a cocktail of the three. Perhaps that’s where Mort screwed up again, for in rejecting the good old American way of blowing your brains out, he opted to be either loved to death or living to death. In other words, he went to Thailand.

Here men over a certain age hit their second youth on a 125cc motor scooter. These born again farangs reincarnate their youth, while singing “Born to be Wild” whilst careering full throttle down Sukumvart Street in Bangkok at two am until they plow into a lone tuk tuk coming the wrong way towards them. But then, as I said, Mort was a born loser, and whatever celestial force was looking after him, he survived such encounters.

It was the same with the sex. Morbidly obese to the tune of 30 excess kilos, ten beers in the gut and hooked to an eighteen year old pole dancer whose total command of classical English consisted of “Me love you long, long time handsome man,” two Viagra’s coursing through his system to re-awaken a dormant libido which finally burst alive like Mt St Helen spuming out pent up lava, exceeding the speed limit for heartbeats per minute, to die in the saddle, to OD on lust? But no. In fact he started to lose weight, his clogged up circulation improved, and post coital, invariably viewing the recumbent naked figure beside him, he likewise slept like a baby outside the very gates of Heaven. A good night’s work.

Graham Green wrote in “Our Man in Havana” that suicide was where someone reckons that the odds of ending it all are better than going on.
But let’s face it; whatever doesn’t kill you will only make you wish you were dead. But then, once past that, things can only get better. Add in drinking, drugs, water ski accidents on Pattaya beach, and murder, guys like Mort have to ask, “Does anyone in Thailand die of natural causes?”

And there is only one answer.

Not if they can help it.

AParsons
10-09-2013, 02:55 PM
Quite a few extended and slightly obscure metaphors, and it could flow better. Some of the sentences don't read well either, and I'm not sure whether that's just the words you've picked or grammatical errors. I really like the idea behind it but I feel like there needs to be more about Mort himself for it to truly grip me - maybe redraft and make it longer, and try to stop some of the sentences clashing with each other as much.
Nice effort though, I certainly didn't dislike it!

Steven Hunley
10-10-2013, 03:30 PM
Quite a few extended and slightly obscure metaphors, and it could flow better. Some of the sentences don't read well either, and I'm not sure whether that's just the words you've picked or grammatical errors. I really like the idea behind it but I feel like there needs to be more about Mort himself for it to truly grip me - maybe redraft and make it longer, and try to stop some of the sentences clashing with each other as much.
Nice effort though, I certainly didn't dislike it!

Well, I heartily agree. This piece is as full of holes as a Swiss cheese! Now there's a metaphor everyone can understand. All this dribble concerning tuk tuks and faranges, what's up with those? It as if you were talking about something foreign.

And the flow, yes the flow, you MUST do something about that! Right now it's as flowing as a stopped-up toilet! I won't read non-flowing constipated words. I'll have none of it! Do you hear? NONE.

Now that I think about it, I AM sure! It's the words you picked AND the horrendous grammatical errors. The piece if rife with them, whatever rife means.

Why, it just doesn't grip me, not one bit. It doesn't even fondle my intellect! I must have my intellect fondled whatever the cost! Sorry to say you just don't do it for me.

Try longer, try re-drafting, try throwing away your quill pen and velum and buying a BIC and some toilet paper.

In other words, try it again until you get it right!

Nice effort though, I certainly didn't DISLIKE it.

RIGHT.

Don't worry Man, I adored every word. (Well, maybe not EVERY word, but cha know what I mean.)

glennr25
10-11-2013, 01:15 AM
The story wasn't half bad. I like the idea of it. But I agree with Steve and Parsons, the flow needs to be a little bit smoother, especially for a short-short. Keep working on it.

AuntShecky
10-17-2013, 04:45 PM
I think this piece is funny, with a punch line that pays off.

You've got to force yourself to avoid putting apostrophes where they ain't necessary--no apostrophe for simple (non-possessive) plurals--"guys," "Viagras."

Speaking of the latter, I'm no doctor (and I don't play one on tv)--but I've seen a lot of tv Commercials, from former Senator Dole all the way down the line. It seems to me that the need for Viagra (Cialis, etc.) stems from something mechanical, not from a lack of libido. Otherwise, why would a guy bother to get the prescription in the first place?

MANICHAEAN
10-17-2013, 11:30 PM
Dear Aunty

Point 1: Thank you. Glad you enjoyed.
Point 2: Will try harder.
Point 3: Unchartered waters!

Best regards
M.

Steven Hunley
10-21-2013, 03:29 PM
Dear Aunty

Point 1: Thank you. Glad you enjoyed.
Point 2: Will try harder.
Point 3: Unchartered waters!

Best regards
M.

And let's pray that nature lets us keep those waters uncharted! It helps with the exploration and brings out the Conquistador in us.

MANICHAEAN
10-22-2013, 04:28 AM
Back onto Point 2 Steven. Did you know that here in the UK we have an Apostrophe Protection Society. Check out www.apostrophe.org.uk
I must confess that,(taking Aunty's comments to heart) I did review thirteen main rules for apostrophe use, but am still having difficulty getting my head around some of them. E.g. If a gerund has a pronoun in front of it, use the possessive form of that pronoun.

AuntShecky
10-23-2013, 04:24 PM
. E.g. If a gerund has a pronoun in front of it, use the possessive form of that pronoun.

Pronouns use apostrophes only in contractions.


It's maddening. (It is. The apostrophe replaces the "i" in "is.")
You're driving me crazy. (The apostrophe in "you're" stands in for the "a" in "are.") Apostrophes in a pronoun always mean contractions, that a letter has been left out.


About gerunds (nouns formed by adding "-ing" to a verb.):
"You making noise in the hall drives me crazy." should be "Your making noise in the hall drives me crazy." "Your" --not "you're" --is the possessive pronoun.

Use an apostrophe when there is a noun in front of a gerund:
It's refreshing to see Manichaean's responding to his fellow LitNutters.

Never put an apostrophe in a pronoun in front of a gerund:
His reading of LitNet threads is thorough.


Now that I've got you thoroughly confused.