Sire- he Song

[hannah_arendt]

I want to ask for your opinion about my new text:


Siren- he song
I dreamt about you,
my sweet, carnivorous siren-he,
whose profound,
touching
voice of self-consciousness
reminded me of the shadow from the past.
It was one of these sullen afternoons
when everything,
even your out of this world voice,
sounds stronger than it should.

‘With lie you can go ahead,
but you can never go back’, I heard.
Many times
I was asked about the balance sheet,
where and death make me being still on the credit.
As if I had still been on the brink,
I deluded myself that I could have turned back
and one more time
look into your almost transparent eyes
and touch glittering, pale skin.

I needn`t have waken up.
If I hadn`t had enough strength to make this moment longer,
the boundaries would have been still like a silver mist
flying over the running
always free white horse,
I would have remained in a colourful,
melodic
dream set in a desert island.

[DieterM]

Hey H.,

I really liked this poem. However, I have a few quibbles. First of all, the title. I understood that you wanted to make clear that you're talking about a male siren (I would have called him He-Siren, perhaps) yet I think the poem would be just as effective if you didn't generize your siren. Maybe you could keep the gender in the title (A Song for My He-Siren, for instance, which would convey a certain mystery, a sense of "Oh, sounds interesting – what is she writing about?", you see?) and take it out in the poem itself? Just a thought…

In stanza 1, I wouldn't leave the "touching" stand all alone, but would make a line like "profound and touching / voice of…". And why did you use the definite article for the shadow? We do not know anything about that shadow of the past, so it should be "a" shadow, no? Same thing for "these afternoons", where I would have used "those" instead. You need hyphens for "out-of-the-world voice", I think, and "sounds" should be "sounded" to remain coherent with the principal verb in the past tense ("it was one…").

In stanza 2, "lie" should be the plural "lies". The line "where and death make me being still on the credit" didn't make sense to me, it's as if a word was missing? And "make" should be past tense, too. You repeat "still" in the next line, which isn't really nice. And the last two lines have the wrong tense again, so it should be "looked" and "touched". Here, something is missing, too— maybe "your" glittering pale skin? And why don't you delete "almost"—transparent eyes sounds better to me?

The first line of the last stanza contains an errors, "waken" should be "woken". And "always free" would read better if you put it after the white horse – the running white horse, always free".

But all in all, I like the images and the sense of loss and nostalgia in your poem!

[hannah_arendt]

Thanks a lot Dieter:)