One Short Winter (my first poem)

[EvoWarrior5]

Hello there,

I finished this poem just two days ago or so and I wanted to have a few people take a look at it and tell me what they think. Two of my friends to whom I showed it were impressed by it but they're no experts on Literature so I hoped I could also get a few more professional opinions here.


One Short Winter

One short winter by your side.
I felt no fear, I had no fright.
No other time has felt so right,
as that one winter by your side.

Together in the dead of night,
You kept me warm, I held you tight.
I never ceased to see the light,
whenever you were by my side.

A changing wind, a tear's descent,
with every day, our feelings bent.
A fate that I could not prevent,
Signified the winter’s end.

And even though the spring began,
I never felt so cold as then.


Thing for me is I'm not actually sure what I wrote. I wanted to make it a sonnet at first (that's why it has 14 lines) but when I was already pretty far on the way with this I looked up the rules for a sonnet again and the rhyme scheme and rhythm I needed for a real sonnet did not fit what I had and was planning to do. I know that I write stuff because I want to and not because it's my job or for a grade but I wanted to do it properly still. My teacher advised me to just finish this one (which I did), and then make an official sonnet version of it, which I am working on now (although I'm a bit stuck with it ._.).

Well point is, I don't even know what kind of poem this is, or if it is even anything besides just a 'poem'.

Please tell me what you think!

~ Evo

[EvoWarrior5]

I'd appreciate some feedback on it if anybody has any! Like even only whether you like it or not, even if you don't have any improvements.

[Hawkman]

I suppose you could loosely describe this as a ballade, although the rhyme scheme is rather too flexible for it to be a strict ballade and all the verses would have to be quatrains. It really reads more like a song lyric than anything else.

The first line of S3 is rather problematic in that you deviate from acceptable grammar. you can say: "a tear's descent" or "a tear descends" but not "a tear's descend"

L3 of this stanza is also a bit off. What faith signified the winter's end (and how)? A loss of faith, given the context of love and companionship in the winter (which is an interesting reversal of the trope "a summer of love") but a faith you could not prevent doesn't really mean anything.

I might take issue with the last line too. Perhaps "I never felt so cold as then." would be better here.

Regardless of it's flaws, the poem's message is clear enough; the sense of loss at the ending of a relationship - but despite the innovation of making winter the season of love, the concept is a little tired and lacks originality. The subject is as old as the hills and has been done to death. Consequently it comes over as a bit cheesy. It also does a lot of telling. There's not really much use of metaphor or simile to convey emotion. A poem needs more to hold the reader's interest. You might want to invest some time in reading as much good, contemporary poetry as you can.

Live and be well - H

[EvoWarrior5]

Thank you for the reply!

Yea love is overused in poems, I realise. Doesn't mean I cannot write about it ^^
It was the only passage in my life which I felt was suitable to write a poem about, so I chose that for my first poem.

I'll correct the errors (about the tear and the last line). But what I meant with line 3 in the third stanza... well.. I just wanted a good way to phrase that he broke up with me and that I couldn't do jack about it. Although I just realised I mixed up faith and fate. Would it be good then if I changed that?

Also I am not entirely sure what you mean by my poem doing enough telling so there being no need for metaphor or simile. Could you elaborate a bit on that part?

[Melanie]

Hi Evo, what a good first poem! I'm new to poetry too. It's been almost a year now and I've learned a lot here. I really liked the way your last two lines were unexpected, from warmth in winter to cold in spring. My favorite line was "a changing wind, a tear's descent".

I think I would have been more comfortable with a more consistent rhyme scheme. The rhyme scheme for your first stanza is abba, your second stanza is bbba, and your third stanza is bbbc. The new rhyme scheme in your 4th stanza works since it's a shortened stanza and at the end...like a punctuation. To keep tenses consistent, I would change "bend" to "bent" since you're next 2 lines are past tense. But maybe that's just me. I'm green at this. Overall, I liked it.

[EvoWarrior5]

Hi Evo, what a good first poem! I'm new to poetry too. It's been almost a year now and I've learned a lot here. I really liked the way your last two lines were unexpected, from warmth in winter to cold in spring. My favorite line was "a changing wind, a tear's descent".

I think I would have been more comfortable with a more consistent rhyme scheme. The rhyme scheme for your first stanza is abba, your second stanza is bbba, and your third stanza is bbbc. The new rhyme scheme in your 4th stanza works since it's a shortened stanza and at the end...like a punctuation. To keep tenses consistent, I would change "bend" to "bent" since you're next 2 lines are past tense. But maybe that's just me. I'm green at this. Overall, I liked it.

Thank you for your reply! Yes I already had taken 'bent' into consideration, just hadn't changed it yet. Thank you for bringing it up though ^^
About the rhyme scheme, I saw it as AAAA AAAA BBBB CC, I didn't take 'side' and 'fright' as different kinds of rhyme words. Looking on RhymeZone now it does not give words like fright or right as rhyme words for side, so that may have been my mistake :S Too bad, I thought that even though my poem did not conform to an existing kind of poem, I still had the rhyme down. This would be weird, yes.

Overall I'm still quite happy with it and it is still my baby :3 I'm working on an official Sonnet version of it but I'm a bit stuck with that one.