Presents

[Lykren]

I get broken
songs for presents.
In them,
an hallucination
becomes the world.
They help me know
I am but little inclined
to bear the courtship
of love and weather.
They help me remember
the time my father
ceased exploding
and became
a dead man, always
in search of whatever
fruit hung from the
sky around him.
There is no noise
in them, only
the touch of
whoever gave them.
Like a balloon,
listening to them,
I rise.

[Hawkman]

There is a lot to like in this poem, Lykren. However, Please remember that H is not a vowel in English. The indefinite article 'an' is only used in combination with an H when the h is silent and followed by a vowel, as in "an hour". Actually, as used in your poem, the article is superfluous so you could easily leave it out completely. In line 7 you could also omit "but" it gives the piece a slightly archaic feel. It's ok, but expendable.

I am a little perplexed by what you might have intended by: "the courtship of love and weather" How does one court the weather, or it court you for that matter, and the use of the conjunction suggests they are courting you together. You might want to think about what it is you are trying to express here.

One other thing which reads incongruously is the exploding father. Do you actually mean exploding as in detonating, ("the victim of a revolutionary outrage," to quote Oscar Wlde) or was he prone to "flying off the handle in fits of anger? The subsequent lines about balloons make me wonder if you might have meant "blowing up" as in blowing up a balloon. If this is the case then blowing up is not the same as exploding, although in another context it would be. Expanding would probably be an acceptable alternative if you are linking the concept of balloons, or even if you were intending to indicate that the father was getting fatter.

As it is the imagery reads as slightly incongruous.

However, something which your poetry always delivers is a very strong sense of rhythm and mood, which despite the occasional hiccup in imagery or English usage, always makes it an engaging read.

Live and be well - H

[Lykren]

Thank you for the reply, Hawkman.

I've often seen the indefinite article 'an' used next to, for example, 'history', in which the 'H' is pronounced. Is this wrong? (This (http://wordinfo.info/unit/3431) article seems to present one with a range of options).

I intended love and weather to be courting each other.

A double meaning was meant for the word 'exploding'; both the literal 'detonating', and the metaphorical 'getting angry' are readings I was aiming for.

Again, thank you for your reply.

[AuntShecky]

If you're familiar with the fiction of John Barth, he often makes effective use of weather as a metaphor for human emotion. In your piece "exploding" and both senses of "blowing up" are apt. Some suggestions to make this piece smoother-- delete lines 3-5 (they blow your central thought off course.) I'd also jettison the penultimate line "listening to them" because it's superfluous, it separates "like a balloon" from the word the phrase modifies "I" and it slows up the rhythm. Okay?

Auntie

[virtuoso]

I agree with hawkman that weather and love do not mesh in the general manner in which you compare them. I would use something more objective and tangible like flowers. Love and flowers is a good combination. Flowers, material love, accompany romance, emotional love. Also, you have the organic (flowers) vs the inorganic (songs) presents. The flowers symbolize love, then rot, dissembling emotional love. The songs, as you so aptly state are emotive strands that penetrate the mind, then cause fantasies. The fantasies, in turn, help you cope with the real world.

[Hawkman]

Hi Lykren. As far as I can see from your link it agrees with me. An, used with history or hallucination is wrong. It tends to indicate a degree of pretension or ignorance on the part of the perpetrator! However, as I said in my previous post, in this instance the article could be omitted completely without detriment to meaning. With regard to the courtship issue, the way it is written in the sentence reads as though love and weather are courting you, the narrator. If you wish to say that they are courting each other, then "the courtship between love and weather" would express the thought.

As for the the exploding father, the meaning is deducible, but it is a little bit funny. If you are going for humour, then I guess that's ok. But if the father really was the victim of his own personal Big Bang, it's a bit of a reach to apply both meanings :D

Live and be well - H