Without Faith/The Voices of the Entries

[Whisper]

Without Faith/The Voices of the Entries

I used to hear you hum the tunes I wrote -
I sent them to your voicemail, little songs
on my guitar - but you won't hear the notes.
I once believed that you would sing along.

Sitting alone, I place all calls on hold
and sing into your phone in sotto voce.
But you don't check your mail; I have the code,
and check it dusk and dawn, Sunday to Sunday.

The others are one automated voice
recorded over key-tones on their iphones.
Clicking to their itune songs of choice,
deejays dedicate selected ring-tones.

The voices of the entries, lost somewhere
out past Orion, ride radio waves,
wander about without your cynosure,
notes with no stave, cadavers without graves.

[Hawkman]

I don't particularly like the title, but it's an interesting idea. The first two stanzas are the strongest because they have focus, the narrator and the object of his affections. However, "the others" are undefined and so there is a disjunction between the first and second halves of the poem.

In S3 I feel you should lose the I in iphones as it spoils the rhythm, and anyway, it isn't really necessary to be so specific. You mention iTunes later - the reader gets the point. Cynosure doesn't really do much for the last verse. It's rhythm and tonality are wrong and putting a dactyl on the end of a metred line of verse weakens the line. Guiding light would be better here.

Live and be well - H