Labor Day

[virtuoso]

Holiday to shun work;
kids re-christen summer,
wife drops usual chores,
I evade car pool duties.

As usual, my alarm sounds at 6am
the coffee maker perks at 6:15am
my body flings away the covers
I watch the Today show while shaving
fetch the newspaper, quickly scan the headlines
but wait, I have more time, maybe not,
the dog sticks to his normal morning schedule;
I speed to the door, acceding to his bladder.

No fancy holiday breakfast awaits in the kitchen
so, I just grab an egg, poach it, down some juice.
My family sleeps on through the holiday mirage;
my engine is in overdrive
where to go; what to do?
No parades, pageants on this vapid day
no arriving relatives to relieve the boredom.

Maybe, I'll wash the car-
nah, that is a weekend ritual.
Perhaps, I will canvas Pro Bass Shop-
nah, the drive is further than work.

I will stay at home, be useful;
finish trimming the bedroom shutters
Oh no, I am out of that flossy white paint,
and didn't my wife need the car
for her annual holiday shopping spree?

I could re-mow the lawn,
give it a manicured look. But no,
to labor on Labor day is foolish.
I will curl up in front of the TV
finish watching the Today show,
content with the notion
that I am paid to while away the day.

[Bewlay Brother]

It should be "a useless" not "an useless." U is a vowel but the sound the word useless starts with a "yoo" sound.

I think you could drop the first line because the title will smoothly transition into the poem, improving the flow. Plus, "it is Labor Day" is a weak line, especially for an opener.

I think the poem would benefit from line breaks. It kind of just slurred together after awhile. While you might've slurred it together intentionally to exemplify the monotonous and mundane daily routine, I don't think it works here because the language itself doesn't have much flow. The language is so lifeless and uninspired that it quickly becomes a chore to read. This doesn't automatically make it a bad poem because, again, your intent might've been to make the reader experience first hand how lifeless and uninspired the "daily routine" is. I'm a fan of that sort of device. But having both lifeless and uninspired language AND line after line slurred together is too much IMO. I'd pick one or the other.

And I was hoping for a better payoff at the end. You already joked earlier in the poem about the silliness of not working on Labor Day, when you're supposed to be celebrating work... So your poem ended with just a rehash, rather than a payoff.

Actually, "I am being paid to while the day away" doesn't make much sense to me. Do you mean "too?"

[virtuoso]

I thank you for your interesting critique, beltway. I think the opening line is necessary, because it syncs with the following line. I have changed the "an" to an "a". The rambling discourse was intentional. It mimics the state of mind of the bored dad. The last line is meant to be more ironic than the earlier lines that mention the conundrum. I think it works pretty effectively. The phrase to while the day away should have been more succinctly stated. I changed it to "while away the day". This is a common colloquial reference to wasting time. I think it goes quiet well. Thanks again for your penetrating analysis.

[Hawkman]

Actually, this is a vast improvement on your usual fare. It is rather over-written and would benefit from a judicious pruning, and yes, some stanza breaks might be a good idea. However, you are still inverting your syntax. Stop doing this!!

"my curiosity to prime"
"his bladder to mollify"

These crazy archaisms stand out like a sore thumb in something which is written in a colloquial style. When you sit down and edit this, and you should because the core theme is entertaining and ripe for humour, take out repetitious detail and pare it back to the key elements. e.g.

"As usual, my alarm sounds at 6am
the coffee maker coughs at 6:15

I shave, fetch the newspaper;
quickly scan the headlines.
But I have more time -
although the dog has his own schedule
of relief and exercise.

No festive breakfast for me in the kitchen;
I just grab an egg and poach it, down some juice -
my engine is in overdrive.
Where to go; what to do?
No parades or pageants for this vapid day
no relatives arriving to relieve boredom.

Maybe, I'll wash the car -
but that's is a weekend ritual.
Perhaps I will canvas Pro Bass Shop -
nah, the drive is longer than it's worth.

I will stay at home, be useful;
finish trimming the bedroom shutters,
though I am out of that flossy paint,
and didn't my wife need the car for her
annual holiday shopping spree?

I could re-mow the lawn,
give it that manicured look. But no,
to labour on Labour day is foolish.
I will curl up in front of the TV,
content in the knowledge
that I am paid to while away the day. "

Is a suggestion, but you could possibly get away with trimming a little more. I certainly don't have a problem with the last line.

Live and be well - H

[virtuoso]

OK, Hawkman! I have transformed this megalithic poem into a trimmer diddy. Thanks for the advice! I will probably trim stanza two and three further.