Joining the Fallen

[Lykren]

Leaning into the unknown
excavation, I remember
the slipping hand, the ungrounded
sight of you -
in air -
and now only
a dampness present,
a tremor in the darkness.

After watching someone fall
one waits to listen
in hope of finality.
In hope of closure,
we stand by the edge
and do not look down,
but stand with one ear ready,
in hope of the denied.

Within ourselves we walk unrecognized,
tempted by scents, but blind.
The wandering sound of footsteps
visits us in lonely dreams,
and forgotten streams of memory
still eulogize the Lost.

One further journey sleeps
until we cross it in such rest,
and the sky awakes,
patient, unbroken,
and something real.

[virtuoso]

Ungrounded means baseless or without a reason or good rationale. I think you are trying to describe the above-ground memory. You could say "material memory" or "material essence". In stanza two, it should be, "one waits to hear". I think that "one waits to hear the voice of finality" would sound better. Also, "in hope of the denied" is awkward. It would sound better if stated, "in hope of that now denied". Also, "forgotten streams" cannot eulogize. They are sterile, lifeless thoughts. You could say lapsing streams of memory.

[Hawkman]

HI Lykren.

"The ungrounded sight of you" is actually rather good in context. What I'm less sure about is "the slipping hand" where I'd be inclined to replace the definite article with your. I think I'd dispense with the second em-dash, as ellipsis would be better. The second half of this verse is over written. Try:

now, only dampness;
a tremor in the dark.

The beginning of S2 is probably ok, although I would consider making it more immediate by removing "after". However, S2 is definitely problematic. One does not "wait to listen". One can wait; wait listening; or listen, waiting for something. The rhetorical repetition of "hope" is a bit clumsy and fails, due to the intervening words before the third reiteration. Finality and closure here are used to say the same thing really, so it's over egging the pudding a bit and reads as tautologous. At a pinch you could probably dispense with this stanza completely.

S3 L5 would be better if you replaced "and" with "where". This would take care of the problem of the forgotten streams of memory eulogising the lost - This way the dreams represent a gateway to the subconscious where things which are forgotten can lurk.

In the last stanza I'm not sure how a journey can sleep. You need a better word or phrase to convey the concept of waiting here, something along the lines of "bides its time" I suppose you could just say waits, especially if you remove it from S1.

S2 is the most problematic and could probably do with some judicious rewriting, but a couple of mild tweaks elsewhere would tighten the piece up quite nicely.

Not a bad poem overall. It's atmospheric and conveys the sense of loss quite well.

Live and be well - H

[virtuoso]

Some very good observations, Hawkman. I do disagree that "ungrounded" is the right word in this context. He is trying to remember a material essence slipping away. I think that it is misrepresented in this context.

[Hawkman]

Some very good observations, Hawkman. I do disagree that "ungrounded" is the right word in this context. He is trying to remember a material essence slipping away. I think that it is misrepresented in this context.

Well, You are entitled to your opinion regarding this contentious issue, virtuoso, but here, 'ungrounded is being used in the sense of flying. If you think of how an airman is "grounded" meaning unable to fly, ungrounded is a clever way of saying that the person is "in flight" and in the context of the verse, "falling". Also, 'grounded' means, "having your feet on the ground," so 'ungrounded' rather indicates that this person hasn't. I hope this explains it for you.

However, if there is a fault with this line it is that the sight is ungrounded, rather than the you; which it should be. It might perhaps be better as, "the sight of you, ungrounded"

LLAP - H

[virtuoso]

Hawkman, I just re-looked up the definition for ungrounded. This time, I looked in the Oxford dictionary. It seems that the word has a more expansive meaning in the British lexicon. In our American dictionary, the intended meaning would not work in the context of this poem, but in the British lexicon, it works fine.