Translations

[Nick Capozzoli]

I'd like to submit some translations for review by LNF folks. I'll start with poems by Rilke. Here goes:

Entrance
after Rainer Maria Rilke

Whoever you may be, at dusk step out,
Out from your room where nothing is in doubt.
What stands at last before uncertainty
Is your own house, whoever you may be.
Then with your eyes that scarce may wearily
Lift themselves above the doorstep stone,
You slowly raise a heavy blackened tree
To silhouette the sky: lank, alone.
Now you have made the world. It is wide
And like some words that still in silence spread.
But when their sense no longer seems to hide
From you, too soon the vision leaves your head.



From a Childhood
after Rainer Maria Rilke

Darkness grew like treasure in the room
In which the boy, almost autistic, sat.
When his mother stepped into the gloom
A crystal quivered in the cabinet.
At this she felt the room had done her wrong.
She kissed her boy and murmured, “You are here!”
Then both glanced shyly at the dim clavier.
For often evenings she would play a song
Through which the child sat spellbound on the floor.
He sat quite still. His wide eyes seemed to pore
Upon her hand a heavy ring had bent.
At first it seemed that it would move no more,
Then over the whitening keys it went.

[Hawkman]

Hi Nick,

Translation is a very tricky thing. You have to replicate the form and meaning in another language with different requirements for grammar and syntax. What may seem light and effortless in the original language may become halting or perhaps a little heavy in translation.

Now my German isn't great and I would hesitate to attempt what you have bravely done. I spent some time stumbling my way through the German original of Entrance, and then went hunting for some translations. For me, the one that worked best was this one. http://www.danagioia.net/poems/entrance.htm

I'd say your translation is a pretty respectable effort. You've retained the rhyme scheme and stuck to the metre. For me, what it lacks is the lightness, the almost effortless flow of Dana Gioia's version at the above link.

"und stellst ihn vor den Himmel: schlank, allein."

You might want to think about some of your word choices. "Silhouette" is an odd word to put in the line which says "and place/put/position it before/in front of the sky/heavens," and "lank" (although it does mean thin or sparse) is a word one might use when talking about someone's hair, when it hangs down; long, lifeless and greasy, so used to describe a tree it feels a bit incongruous. The German Schlank translates as slender or slim. Both these words have pleasing, positive connotations, whereas 'lank' does not.

The last line however loses quite a lot in translation. The original: "lassen sie deine Augen zärtlich los... " Here the vision is gently released, gently or tenderly, but in your version the vision just, "leaves your head."

I haven't time right now to examine the second poem in detail, but I'll try and come back to it later. The Syntactical inversions, where you place the verb at the end of the sentence, do stand out a bit, which makes the flow a little jerky, and I haven't looked at the original yet, but I would suggest you look at:

"For often evenings she would play a song"

and

"...His wide eyes seemed to pore
Upon her hand a heavy ring had bent."

which are definitely problematic.

Still, cudos for your efforts and thanks for sharing.

Live and be well - H

[Nick Capozzoli]

Thanks for your comments! I like Dana Gioia's version, too. "Translation" may not be the best term for what I was trying to do when
rendering Rilke into English. I was trying to "transpose" his German poem into an English "equivalent," and a large part of that effort
was trying to capture the meter and sound of the original. This entailed taking some liberties . In the second "transposition" (Aus Einer
Kindheit) I took some obvious liberties in translating "sehr verheimlich" as "almost autistic," for example. I think it works.

There is also a startling onomatopeic line in the original German that describes the quivering of a glass in the cabinet when the mother
steps into the room. I've read many other translations of this poem, but none have captured it in English. I think I captured it.

I really like translation, if for no other reason than that it provides poets a chance to exercise craft. I'll post some other exercises
in this forum.