You’re not Kylie Minogue

[DieterM]

I watch you as you
catwalk over to the dancefloor,
the dying sun streaking your pout,
golden, orange, clouds

I watch you as you
pole-dance from gaping guy
to gaping guy, as you pretend
to forget I’m there

You don’t know I’m not jealous
even when you gyrate your hips,
touch other bodies, wet your lips,
offer half-mast gazes

When you come back,
proud and flushed,
I notice you’re still pouting,
something you mistake for class

“Jesus, I could do with
a drink”, you simper
“Gotta go,” I answer
“To that pool party, you know…”

You watch me leave,
and I imagine your hurt look
I never told you but
you’re not exactly Kylie Minogue

[Hawkman]

The first stanza doesn't actually make a lot of sense to me, Dieter. Is the dance floor in the open air? The references to the dying sun and coloured clouds are odd and out of place. I'd be inclined to cut the first stanza. The second verse starts in medias res and is far more effective as a beginning, and it also avoids the repetition of, "I watch you as you." Not sure you need the second you, either. I wouldn't worry about losing that first reference to the pout if you cut it. When you mention it again in S4, the scenario of pole dancing which precedes it is sufficient grounding, I think. The poem depicts a vivid narrative and conveys the narrator's disillusionment very effectively. I'm not quite sure about the relevance of Kylie specifically, although she is quite cute :D I can't quite imagine her pole dancing, or can I. She looked quite good in that French maid's outfit in the Dr Who Christmas special :D

Live and be well - H

[cafolini]

The word pout is almost perfect for this. Those of us who have known the mentally ill know many of them are constantly and chronically pouting. How insane H's statement about Minogue stands at the end of the critique. Minogue here simply means "so good?" This is a sober poem describing a situation which is uncommon, but not so uncommon. Good stuff.

[DieterM]

Oh hawkman, dear fella, if you liked K. in the Dr Who Xmas Special (which I haven't seen), you might even prefer her in this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Na-rQy9PRlA This was what I was thinking of anyway, especially that nice, minimalist white outfit with her boobies almost hanging out (but only almost), which even I find rather sexy. I guess the song will not be your cup of tea but look at the video nonetheless, if only for the pleasure of your eyes ;-)
Now, I have to say, yes, the dance floor is meant to be in the open air, that's often done in hip places like Ibiza or some fancy place in Miami or California. And there's what the French call a "Before", which starts at roughly 5 pm, thus before clubs open, where you warm up for the "real thing". You proceed from the Before to the Party in the club (or the pool party, as in my N's case), and you finish the night in an "After". I don't know if these are the terms used by English-speaking people but they are common knowledge for Frenchies (yes, in English, which is rather surprising when you cinsider that they always try to translate English terms).
I think the first stanza could be cut out, as you suggest, but I'm quite fond of it as it sets the scene for me (following the above-mentioned outside setting, the time, and so on).
Thanks for commenting, and I hope you'll appreciate Kylie's dancing ;-)

@Cafolini, ty. When I mentioned the pout, I was thinking of those women who constantly pout because they've been told that to smile means to get wrinkles around the mouth. Glad you enjoyed my humble lines!

[Delta40]

Man I'd be relieved if somebody told me that! Mind you her sister Danni is a venomous homophobe so perhaps I'm being a tad harsh on a cancer survivor...

[Hawkman]

Hi Dieter,

Well fair dos then. You discover a gap in my cultural awareness :D And thanks for the video; yes, I can see where the inspiration came from! I definitely think the opening line should lose a you though, "I watch as you" would be much better, and I'd still recommend dropping the first stanza for the reason stated regarding the more immediate opening, but at least S1 makes sense to me now. :D You should tell those pouting women that they'll get just as many wrinkles and that they'll end up with purse-string wrinkles that'll make their lips look like a cat's bottom! lol.

Live long and prosper - H

[Haunted]

Pout is the look. No one smiles anymore. It's not cool to smile. And catwalking to the dancefloor, I'd say you described it to the T! The pool party thing sounds awfully familiar hahahah. I don't know who Kylie Minogue — I don't have to — and you definitely got your point across.

[AuntShecky]

Smiling is definitely over-rated, regardless of one's dental work. Pouting is not however a desirable substitute--it tends to make one look like a spoiled three-year-old. Even so, both are preferable to Mylie (is that her name?) Cyrus's tongue-wagging recently spoofed on late-night tv. I remember the name Kylie Minogue when my daughter used to watch VH-1 music videos back in the eighties. When I read your poem yesterday, Dieter, I had to stick Kylie in the "Google" machine to refresh my increasingly failing memory. The hit song which I thought was hers actually came from the Spice Girls.

As to your poem, Dieter, brilliantly apropos phrasing: "cat-walk," " from gaping guy to gaping guy," "half-mast gazes." What's most impressive is the psychological insight into the speaker/narrator. That he "imagines" what he supposes is the girl's "hurt look" displays an egocentric nature, as does the "sour grapes" assumption of the last line.

Hope I interpreted this correctly.

[virtuoso]

Delete

[virtuoso]

I agree with the dissenters on the smug pout. You do get the smug, smarmy look from models on the fashion show floor, but not from hussies on the dance floor. Their smile is their meal ticket. Perhaps, the sun streaks her gloss (makeup). Then, later on, "I notice your still flaunting".

[DieterM]

TY all for commenting. I don't agree re. the pout, met some sure-fire hussies in a Turkish club once during holidays, and they were definitely pouting (just FYI, two pretty Russian chicks who were, as far as I could get out during my 2-week-vacation, not only pouting but available, if you catch my drift; invited by the hotel owner to stay all summer and entertain rich, well, customers is the word, I gather). Boy did they pole-dance, and boy did they pout! I never found out if they did because they were vulnerable (Russian gal-for-sale in Turkey, the thought alone makes me shudder) or arrogant or plain stupid. Both spoke English but never so much as said "Thank you" to anyone being nice to them (which includes me – there's no one less harmful than I; for a girl, that is, of course).

@virtusos, saw your very nice comment on my Ardennes-poem; I normally answer but didn't want to bump it to the top of the list again. So I say thank you in this space!

[prendrelemick]

Of course If Kylie Minogue was reading this, it wouldn't work.