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View Full Version : London 2040- Apocalypse.



Bryn
08-27-2013, 08:27 AM
London was in ruin. Its streets empty and houses deserted. All signs of life vanished in what seemed like a heartbeat, the virus spread ferociously and without mercy, like wildfire it consumed all in its path. Grass began to grow between the cracks of the blood stained pavement, buildings left to rot and decay and everything that we once knew about our world was gone.
We had been walking almost for nearly an hour or so, as far as I could tell. You never knew these days, the clocks stopped working months ago. There were seven of us today, all wearing thick jackets and woollen hats. Winter was coming and the days grew cold and icy. A shout from the front of the group got my attention, and I jogged to the forward to see what had happened. A car lay in the middle of the road in flames, next to it a woman, no older than twenty with dark menacing eyes and sallow reptilian skin. Her hair was matted and stuck to the side of her face. “First one we’ve seen in weeks” said the man to my left, he was tall and intimidating, with little hair and a large crooked nose bent forward like a beak. He held a baseball bat casually over his right shoulder, and spat in disgust. He turned to look at me and spoke again, “What’s your name son?” I stood silent for a minute. “Jac” I lied, as he turned to me offering his bat, “You wanna do her in?” I grimaced; I hated how the gangs that now roamed the streets killed for pleasure, it’s as if they have forgotten they are people, sick people who need our help and medicine. We could have easily avoid the woman by taking a sharp left turn, but that wasn’t going to happen and I knew better than to decline his offer; these gangs feed on fear, that’s how they have survived for so long. Nobody opposes them. No mercy. No weakness.
I took the bat, and started walking slowly towards the woman. She let out a loud high pitched scream which sent shudders up my spine, followed by a low, feral snarl. I was within ten metres or so, her eyes were bloodshot and she was frothing from the mouth. She let out another scream and began battering her arms against the burning car, causing her rotted skin to blister and singe in the flames. It turned to me once more and broke into a sprint, she closed the distance quickly, her bare feet making little noise on the ragged pavement. Four metres, three metres. I held the bat low, gripping it tightly with both hands, and as she propelled herself at me I took a step forward, raising the bat in an upward motion. It connected with her chin, and she fell to the ground. I heard a series of laughs and cheers from behind me. “Finnish her off kid!” the tall man shouted as I lowered the bat. The woman lay helpless, the bottom half of her face was completely shattered. Her tongue flapping about like a fish out of water. She rolled onto her front and looked directly at me, it was a long, desperate look, and for a second all sense of anger and rage completely left her face, and lying there before me was a woman, her ruined face streaked with tears.
“I’m so sorry” I whispered, and I brought the bat down on her head with all of my strength. A shooting pain ran through my arms on impact and I dropped the bat. The woman lay motionless, I fell back staring at her limp body. The crowd soon caught up with me, and the tall man grabbed me by the shoulder and picked me up as if I were a rag doll. “That’s how you do it son, right in the head!” he winked at me and walked off to catch the others who had already began making their way past the burning car, shouting and cursing. I was left, forgotten. As quickly as I had killed the woman. I felt a fool as I began to weep uncontrollably, but my sobs went unheard, and I was left alone in the dark.

Hawkman
08-27-2013, 09:58 AM
Not a bad little tale, although the first paragraph is a bit of a genre cliché. Still, this is a short piece and the story is essentially confined to the narrator's encounter with the "zombie-woman" (just a generic classification) and describes his experience of killing her and his feelings on doing so. We are not told, but it is implied, that he has not killed before. Fair enough, really.

What you do need to watch is your use of English. Your tenses keep switching between present and past, which is the most serious problem in this piece. There are a couple of other things which aren't quite right. Your punctuation and use of prepositions could be improved.

"London was in ruins--its streets empty and its houses deserted. All signs of life had vanished in what seemed like a heartbeat. The virus had spread ferociously and without mercy, like wildfire consuming all in its path. Now grass grew between the cracks in the blood-stained pavement. Everything that we once knew about our world was gone."

As your opening words refer to the city being in ruins it seems unnecessary to mention that the houses had been left to "rot and decay", particularly as you say it is only a few months since the outbreak. Houses don't fall down that quickly. It might actually be better to omit the bit about the ruins, unless you describe a more immediate way of having reduced the buildings to rubble. Riot, un-fought fires, that sort of thing.

The use of lay with reference to the car is questionable. If it lay on its side, or if it lay in your path, then fair enough. I think it would be more dramatic if the car lay on its side in flames.

It's better if you put a line space between paragraphs when posting on the forum - it makes it easier to read, and don't forget to start a new paragraph when writing dialogue. Each change of speaker requires a new one too.

Lastly, please don't post multiple stories in multiple threads on the same day. Every new thread pushes other people's work down the page and they've got as much right to be read as you have. :) You can post multiple stories in the same thread, or perhaps post another new thread in a different section of the forum - say General Writing, but again, only one new thread per day please.

Welcome to lit net.

Live and be well - H

Bryn
08-27-2013, 11:24 AM
Thank you very much for the feedback man, it has all been taken into account. Apologies for the posting of multiple threads, I'm still getting to grips with the site. If I would have liked to post more than one short story in the same thread would I just edit the current post? Or is there a way to add stories to an existing thread?

Many thanks - Bryn

Hawkman
08-27-2013, 12:25 PM
Glad to be of service :D

Hey, no worries. To edit a post just click the edit button at the bottom of the post. To post new stories in the same thread just use the reply button :)

Live and be well - H

AuntShecky
08-27-2013, 04:27 PM
Oh, no, not again.
There have been so many stories about the Big Finish, especially ones including zombies, that by the time the real thing comes around, we might actually all let out a big sigh of relief.

Hawkman did a good job of pointing out how to to improve this story. Please read (again) and heed. The only thing I'd want to add is to have a more dynamic beginning rather than listing what has already happened, after the fact. Start in medias res.

Oh, and show, don't tell.

Auntie