Children of the Underground: Chapter One.

[Miles Goetz]

After retooling my style, I've decided to post the first chapter of a new story I wrote entitled Children of the Underground. This chapter is introductory and serves to introduce the main character. While it doesn't extoll the conflict that is later to take center-stage, it does, or at least I hope it does, present the reader with the tone and atmosphere that I tried to capture. If the response is positive (if anyone even reads this at all), I'll post the remaining chapters one by one. So, without further delay, here it is:

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From the end of the plain could be seen the outline of a man. His face was a mask of wavering colors, the heat rising thick into his eyes from the desert floor replete with cacti. On his back he carried a few possessions. He checked his water bottle, shaking it in order to judge its remaining content. Noting its thin slosh, he pressed on, hoping to replenish it before nightfall.

The path was worn. His hiking boots dug heel-wise into the baked clay, sheathing his feet and ankles in a wreath of dust every time he took a step. Tired after an entire day spent exploring, he wished to see, at least once, a flower growing in the shadow of something dead. But all he could make out ahead and forever were tumbleweeds.

When the thought of it being nighttime before he reached the city seemed probable, he saw a small shack standing at the end of an incline where the path was curtailed by a stretch of highway. Drawing closer, the structure revealed itself to be a gas station. Forlorn in appearance from afar, he saw an electric sign displaying the word Open in one of its windows.

Sitting behind the counter when he entered was a man approaching old age. The chin was straight and the neck was still tight, but the eyes sat vein-addled between purple lids and his eyebrows were grey enough to appear weightless and ghost-like. He wore a loose white t-shirt stained yellow at the arm pits.

“Hello,” he said. “What can I do you for?”

He looked around before addressing the man whom he believed to be the sole proprietor.

“Do you have any water?”

The older man smiled.

“It’s the one thing we’ve got too much of, believe it or not.” He pointed to the rear of the store. “Right there.”

He found a refrigerated column sitting behind a sliding glass door. His thirst took control of his hands. He grabbed several bottles of spring water and brought them to the counter.

The apparent proprietor, while scanning the bottle labels, said to him:

“I can tell you’re not from around here.”

Getting out his wallet, a little surprised by his forward tone, the younger man replied:

“How can you tell?”

“You seem pretty relieved to have found this place, like you didn’t know it was here. Most people that come in are from the town a ways off, locals looking to hike or go camping. Like I said, you seemed unsure of this place but happy to have found it.”

Giving the older man a few dollars, he said:

“Well, you’re right. I’m not from around here, I’m from W---. I’ve mostly been out hiking."

The proprietor nodded in acknowledgement as he handed the bottles back to him. Before the younger man left, the proprietor said to him:

“If you don’t mind me asking, what’s your name?”

He turned, palm against the door now slightly ajar, and said:

“Aaron, Aaron Ballou.”

[Calidore]

I'll have more to offer when I'm more awake, but I can tell you one thing right now: Opening your story with a chapter in which a man walks into a gas station and buys some water is not going to convince many readers to stick around for chapter 2. Tone and atmosphere done well can impress readers, but you need readers first. You mention a central conflict in your intro; obviously, you don't want to give the game away at the start, but some interest-generating foreshadowing at the beginning, preferably in the first sentence, would be a good idea.

[Hawkman]

The opening scenario is interesting enough: a man walks out of the desert and into a remote, isolated gas station. However, there are some things about the style which might be improved. Let's take a look at that opening sentence. "From the end of the plain could be seen the outline of a man." So why only his outline and who sees him? Unless the narrator has written himself into the narrative, there is no one there to see him. You could have started, "Had there been anyone standing on the edge of the plain, they would have been able to see the wavering silhouette of a man through the distorting lens of shimmering air that rose from the sun-baked ground." Either that or just say that he was there.

Your opening also suggests distance. The next sentence takes us into a close up. In a close up his face wouldn't be, "a mask of wavering colours..." I'm not keen on, "His hiking boots dug heel-wise into the baked clay," either. just say, "The heels of his hiking boots dug into the baked clay..." "heel-wise" doesn't actually mean anything.

The description of the Gas station proprietor is a little off too. I'm not sure that "approaching old age" is the best term here. Perhaps "on the brink of old age" would be better. It's more immediate. The details about his skin and neck are well observed, but I'm not convinced by the description of his grey eyebrows. The eyebrows are the last to turn grey, if they do at all. I have a lovely thatch of grey hair but my eyebrows are dark brown. Pale/grey eyebrows are quite a rarity, consequently it doesn't quite ring true. Neither does his opening dialogue. It just sounds, well, too polite, like the chap's been transplanted from a civil service office or a doctor's surgery. "Howdy stranger, what can I get you?" is kind of what one would expect, given the context. Also, this shack is out in the middle of no-where, but it's got electricity. I guess it'd have it's own generator for power, but I'd expect the guy to hear it before he enters the shack. Either that or there should be some mention of power lines. The cold fridge at the back of the shack just kind of hits me as incongruous as it's presented. And why does the proprietor have "too much" water?

Another point in the dialogue: is it a secret where your hiker comes from? Why is it just W--? This is a really tired device and the kind of thing one would see in an 18th or 19th century novel. It was bad then and it's still bad. Just tell us where he comes from, unless of course he was interrupted before he could get the word out. :D Another thing, interrupting the dialogue exchange with continual descriptions of what he's doing and what his expression is etc. isn't good for the flow of the story. It isn't really relevant and just slows down the exchange.

It sounds like you've got an interesting story to tell, but the impression from this first instalment is that you are trying just a little too hard to be "literary," so the style is getting in the way of the storytelling. But, I am intrigued, so I hope you'll continue with this piece. I look forward to seeing more.

Live and be well l- H

[Miles Goetz]

Thank you, Hawkman, for your criticisms. You're a rare sort on here compared to some of the others who've read my stories. I definitely agree with your statement that I'm trying too hard to be "literary." You should read some of my older stories, they try even harder to be so and are almost choked with details that have no relevance.
The goal of my writing is to have a literary style, but I don't want it to seem forced or pretentious. I didn't really grow up reading "modern writers." If you have any advice as to how I could better go about doing this, please, I'd love to hear your input.
Thank you again.

[Hawkman]

Hi Miles.

A literary style is something that comes with practice and experience. It grows from your command of English and the kinds of stories you tell. With storytelling, the most important things to remember are to only include detail that is relevant and that your descriptions have to be plausible. Think about what you are saying. When you've written something, take a step back and ask yourself, 'does this make sense?'

As for short story writers, Steinbeck is one of my favourites. However, he may not be to everyone's taste. The collection of tales in Sweet Thursday are mostly, as far as I can remember, set in rural locales, and the style is sort of "Down Home". He's a great character writer. One of the first pieces of advice one is given as a putative writer is write what you know. There's a good reason for this. It makes your writing plausible and real. It populates your stories with the kind of people you know in situations you've witnessed and heard about, so you don't have to grope around too much in your imagination to build an entire world. However, when you want to do this you can create parallels with the real world which people can relate to. Just look at Terry Pratchett's Discworld series. OK, so he plunders literature and film for ideas, but his caracters are still recognisably people, even if they are caricatures.

When writing dialogue, you don't need to put a 'he said' after every line, especially if there are only two people speaking. In a long exchange it can be a good idea to remind the reader occasionally which person is speaking, but you need do it judiciously. Where you have a group of people contributing to a conversation it is necessary to identify new speakers and to indicate who's responding, but when every line of dialogue includes a description of what they are doing and how they said it, the passage will become slow, halting and tedious. Remember to credit your reader with some imagination.

Remember to stay focussed when writing. Avoid digressions, they'll take you down blind alleys and you'll create work for yourself to bring the story back on track. Ask yourself if what you are writing advances the plot or informs character and whether it's relevant to the situation. If it isn't, cut it.

Hope you find these notes useful.

Live and be well - H

[AuntShecky]

The setting may be a desert, but the opening of this story seems to have arisen from a much colder place. By that I mean the pace is "glacial."

Start in medias res with a gripping scene designed to hook the reader. I don't mean "manipulative" as one find in a movie, but in a way to get your reader to wonder --what's going on here? Why is the protagonist doing this/in such peril/in such a strange predicament? When creating scenes, remember what yours fooly learned by watching the films of Preston Sturges: start late and end early.

Show,don't tell.

Make sure to show some kind of "action" or at least imply that something interesting or dynamic is afoot. Use the active voice, and regardless of the subject's gender, "virile" verbs. At all costs avoid awkward passive constructions such as your opening line.

Remember Joyce's advice about "scrupulous meanness" in fiction. Apply a scapel to excess verbiage. Be brutal. Be heartless, especially to those passages you're most fond of: "kill your darlings." ("Google" that last phrase.) If you must use an adjective or adverb, make sure it pulls its weight.

About "retooling" one's style. Paradoxically, amid all my grousing about "derivative" material and the real danger of the "anxiety of influence," the best way to improve one's style is by reading the works of the masters. As you read, ask yourself what makes this writing effective--not only what the author is saying but how he says it. If you read a variety of stories over a wide range of authors and eras, you may develop your own personal style by way of osmosis. Read the junk also, so that you know what to shun. (You can borrow or adapt facets of another's style, but don't deliberately try to sound exactly like him or her. And whatever you do--despite the previous comment about Mr. Sturges-- don't emulate the conventions and clichés found in movies and tv.)

Avoid clichés. Strive for originality in both subject matter and style.