Run to You

[Steven Hunley]

Run to You
by
Steven Hunley

It isn’t working out. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out. I have a license. The license makes no difference, not after the love runs out. The vows mean nothing after the love runs out. Sometimes the love just dies. It was ‘til death do you part'. So I'm parting.

And I run to you.

There's my family to think of. Family makes no difference. I find myself edgy, impatient, and mean-spirited. I spend my days longing. I can’t get you off my mind. I decide to engineer a fight with my woman. When it works, I use the excuse to walk out on my officially-certified, legal-papered, church-married, and rice-pelted woman. I say I have reasons, men always say they have reasons.

It may be raining. Rain makes no difference. A blizzard will not deter me, nor the strongest typhoon. I'll be with you come Hell or high water. I’ll travel untold miles and not count them, they mean nothing. I’ll talk for hours on the phone and think its mere minutes. I’ll mail thousands of e-mails, literally thousands of e-mails. I’ll thirst for the sound of your voice with its own particular music. I’ll post hand-written letters and lie in wait for the mailman knowing he carries your replies. I'll search for Wet and Wild lipstick prints on your purple stationary and adore them knowing your mouth is just the right size for truly passionate kissing. I'm hooked and I know it. A man knows when he can’t get enough when it gnaws at him like an empty stomach, and growls like a hungry lion in heat. It never stops. It never lets up. It’s a bad case this time. A chronic case of wanting a woman has stricken me. I am convinced that I'm suffering, so I suffer like crazy.

I have heart-aches and fever and am convinced that you, only you, have the permanent cure. It’s inescapable. More than that, it’s Kismet, and the fact that your coconut-brown eyes are the only ones worth looking into for a man who wants to envision both heaven and hell in one lifetime, understand suffering, experience ecstasy, and live among the softer angels.

So I run to you.

©StevenHunley2011

http://youtu.be/vmrHq_EYH0o Run to You En Rage


Thank you Bryan Adams, for the song.

[Hawkman]

I love the style, it's compelling, its driven, but there's a problem in the transition. The reader is left unsure whether the narrator is burning for the woman he left or for a new one. Maybe this is intentional, maybe it isn't. You might want to look at the first two paragraphs and clarify the area that needs demarcation. Very good apart from that.

Live and be well - H

Edit: ok I've looked at what was bugging me and its the line: "and you run to her." This comes after you have been speaking about 'engineering a fight with your woman' and even though there is a little about reasons, the use of the non specific "her" in the single line 3rd paragraph, reads as a continuation of speaking about the wife. The "her" requires a little definition to make her a separate entity.

LLAP - H

[Steven Hunley]

Modified as requested. Yes, it was a bit confusing!

[Hawkman]

Sorry Steven, but it hasn't made the problem go away. The "and you run to her" has gone, but the next paragraph still talks about "her". Her reads as the wife. Try putting the "run to her" bit back where it was but defining who "her" refers to. She needs to be separated from the abandoned wife. You mention "her" para 2 and it isn't clear whether she's the wife of the new lover. It may be that just simply putting her in italics will indicate that there is something special about the her. The last line switching to I is a bit jarring when you've been speaking about a general "you" up to then.

Something else which jars a bit is at the beginning of para 2, not about the her this time. It's that you ended para 1 with "It was ‘til death do you part. So you’re parting." I get the point of the rhetoric, but this not only suggests mutual acceptance but because of the tense being present continuous it doesn't gel with the bit in para 2 about having to engineer a fight.

Try this:

"... It was ‘til death do you part. So you’re gonna part.

"You engineer a fight with your woman. You use the excuse to walk out on your officially-certified, legally-papered, church-married, rice-pelted wife. You say you have reasons, men always say they have reasons. Family makes no difference. You've been edgy, impatient, and mean-spirited. You've spent your days longing. You couldn’t get her off your mind.

And now you run.

To the one.

To the obsession."

I think this probably addresses my reservations about the turning point. Have a think about it.

Live and be well - H

[Steven Hunley]

A few changes did it, and I even added a typhoon. Typhoons are nothing to a man in lust or love, you have to admit. That's when the creature in him takes over.

[Hawkman]

:thumbsup: Yeah. That fixes it! Good one! :thumbsup:

[Buh4Bee]

Smoother read, Steven. Must have made some good edits.