kd1510
08-16-2013, 07:10 PM
My first short story/piece of writing! Any constructive criticism is welcome!
Miracles
He never questioned the erroneous tendencies of his companion. To impart advice to those who seem to flounder through obstacles seemingly unscathed is to taint those blessed by God, he thought. He sat up, and feeling the heaviness of the previous day’s march he opted to rest his weight on his elbow while he surveyed his surroundings. Arriving the previous night, he had reassured his companion that they were heading in the right direction, but the sky was cloudy that night, and he had felt much concern whilst discerning familiar stars from those that might lead them astray.
His companion was seemingly scouting the day’s walk, looking as optimistic as the first day they had met, a few months previously. He himself did not enjoy venturing from village to village, but for him such enterprises were made bearable by the promise of growing wealth and an opportunity to wander the rich hilly landscape, which may provide ample pastures for when he bought his flocks of sheep after this was all over. They both rolled up their thin sleeping mats and tied them together along with several blankets and cooking utensils.
“We allow fifteen minutes for them to examine the lotion”, explained his companion with that familiar vacant airiness.
The village was similar to the others they had visited, small single room houses evenly spaced out, some made of brick and others wood, with the sound of children playing and laughing echoing off the walls. He stayed back and joined the crowd at the market, while his companion started to draw a crowd of his own. Today’s brand was ‘Rennie’s Cure-All Lotion’, concocted by his companion from a brew of dried grass, mint leaves and salt water the previous day. The name and aroma of the formula must change each visit, his companion had explained to him on their first venture together, to guard against any suspicion from word of mouth of neighbouring villages.
The weary, the old, the lonely and the fearful were among the top contributors to their venture. Today’s visit was no different, but he suddenly felt alert when he observed an inordinately large crowd around his companion, that was steadily growing. Ready to enter the fray and rescue his profitable friend from the suspected mob, he instead heard jubilatory shouts from several women in the crowd. They were professing the miraculous nature of the lotion. He laughed to himself, and moved back into the marketplace.
After the incident, they were approached by several short, pleased looking men who were careful to catch them on the outskirts of the village when they took their leave. Behind the men they saw women and children, attending to oxcarts filled with various merchandise. Of course, he thought to himself. He saw that the women that had boosted their gains at the market today were in fact merchant’s wives who had seen the face of his companion in one of the other villages. The merchants demanded a share of the increased profits and threatened to alert the village people in the areas to which the man and his companion were headed of any false remedy salesmen in the coming weeks.
The next village promised richer takings, partly due to being larger than the previous; partly due to the merchants they had met also taking it upon them as their next destination. There, their wives would undoubtedly aim to secure more of their remedy profits. He walked to the crowd in the market and watched his companion draw a crowd of his own.
A larger crowd than he felt comfortable with grew around his companion, but he owed it to the sermon shrieks of the merchants wives. There were, however, a few male voices in the crowd that were raised above even the merchants’ wives in praise of the lotion. He assumed they would be the merchants’ themselves aiding their wives in the dramatics, but he did not recognise these new miracle mongers. He approached them in the midst of the crowd and sharply pulled one into an open space between two small thatch-roofed houses. The miracle monger was a friend of the merchants, he explained, and they had told him of the lotion salesmen as an opportunity to pay off some owed debts. Again, the man found himself confronted with men to whom he owed a portion of their ever increasing profits. The man and his companion paid their dues to the merchants and their friends in the village, and bade them farewell.
In this manner, the man and his companion found more and more miracle mongers to aid their cause in the next villages. Three years passed.
“We allow fifteen minutes for them to examine the lotion”, said his companion in the ritualistic fashion that had now developed between them before they headed into the village. The man watched his companion carefully draw the crowd towards him. However, the man was no longer concealing himself within the ranks of the marketplace crowd. He stood proudly beside his companion, and held the lotion with reverence. The mass of miracle mongers now numbered the entire crowd. Such a thunderously hysterical flailing of tongues the man had grown accustomed to, but each time it still took his breath away. The next afflicted woman came up to greet them. An elderly woman, complaining of an intense pain in her head, had the lotion applied to her forehead. She looked around at the crowd who were struck into eager silence. The man and his companion asked her how she felt. They could see the jubilation exude from her quivering lips. The marketplace had seen another miracle.
Miracles
He never questioned the erroneous tendencies of his companion. To impart advice to those who seem to flounder through obstacles seemingly unscathed is to taint those blessed by God, he thought. He sat up, and feeling the heaviness of the previous day’s march he opted to rest his weight on his elbow while he surveyed his surroundings. Arriving the previous night, he had reassured his companion that they were heading in the right direction, but the sky was cloudy that night, and he had felt much concern whilst discerning familiar stars from those that might lead them astray.
His companion was seemingly scouting the day’s walk, looking as optimistic as the first day they had met, a few months previously. He himself did not enjoy venturing from village to village, but for him such enterprises were made bearable by the promise of growing wealth and an opportunity to wander the rich hilly landscape, which may provide ample pastures for when he bought his flocks of sheep after this was all over. They both rolled up their thin sleeping mats and tied them together along with several blankets and cooking utensils.
“We allow fifteen minutes for them to examine the lotion”, explained his companion with that familiar vacant airiness.
The village was similar to the others they had visited, small single room houses evenly spaced out, some made of brick and others wood, with the sound of children playing and laughing echoing off the walls. He stayed back and joined the crowd at the market, while his companion started to draw a crowd of his own. Today’s brand was ‘Rennie’s Cure-All Lotion’, concocted by his companion from a brew of dried grass, mint leaves and salt water the previous day. The name and aroma of the formula must change each visit, his companion had explained to him on their first venture together, to guard against any suspicion from word of mouth of neighbouring villages.
The weary, the old, the lonely and the fearful were among the top contributors to their venture. Today’s visit was no different, but he suddenly felt alert when he observed an inordinately large crowd around his companion, that was steadily growing. Ready to enter the fray and rescue his profitable friend from the suspected mob, he instead heard jubilatory shouts from several women in the crowd. They were professing the miraculous nature of the lotion. He laughed to himself, and moved back into the marketplace.
After the incident, they were approached by several short, pleased looking men who were careful to catch them on the outskirts of the village when they took their leave. Behind the men they saw women and children, attending to oxcarts filled with various merchandise. Of course, he thought to himself. He saw that the women that had boosted their gains at the market today were in fact merchant’s wives who had seen the face of his companion in one of the other villages. The merchants demanded a share of the increased profits and threatened to alert the village people in the areas to which the man and his companion were headed of any false remedy salesmen in the coming weeks.
The next village promised richer takings, partly due to being larger than the previous; partly due to the merchants they had met also taking it upon them as their next destination. There, their wives would undoubtedly aim to secure more of their remedy profits. He walked to the crowd in the market and watched his companion draw a crowd of his own.
A larger crowd than he felt comfortable with grew around his companion, but he owed it to the sermon shrieks of the merchants wives. There were, however, a few male voices in the crowd that were raised above even the merchants’ wives in praise of the lotion. He assumed they would be the merchants’ themselves aiding their wives in the dramatics, but he did not recognise these new miracle mongers. He approached them in the midst of the crowd and sharply pulled one into an open space between two small thatch-roofed houses. The miracle monger was a friend of the merchants, he explained, and they had told him of the lotion salesmen as an opportunity to pay off some owed debts. Again, the man found himself confronted with men to whom he owed a portion of their ever increasing profits. The man and his companion paid their dues to the merchants and their friends in the village, and bade them farewell.
In this manner, the man and his companion found more and more miracle mongers to aid their cause in the next villages. Three years passed.
“We allow fifteen minutes for them to examine the lotion”, said his companion in the ritualistic fashion that had now developed between them before they headed into the village. The man watched his companion carefully draw the crowd towards him. However, the man was no longer concealing himself within the ranks of the marketplace crowd. He stood proudly beside his companion, and held the lotion with reverence. The mass of miracle mongers now numbered the entire crowd. Such a thunderously hysterical flailing of tongues the man had grown accustomed to, but each time it still took his breath away. The next afflicted woman came up to greet them. An elderly woman, complaining of an intense pain in her head, had the lotion applied to her forehead. She looked around at the crowd who were struck into eager silence. The man and his companion asked her how she felt. They could see the jubilation exude from her quivering lips. The marketplace had seen another miracle.