PDA

View Full Version : My first short story (244 words) looking for some criticism



Stilton
08-16-2013, 08:33 AM
‘What’s that?’ The thought raced through my mind as I witnessed something most unusual.

A box scurried across the ground in a methodical path; it was escaping. My head tilted to the side as I wondered 'Is this box seriously moving on its own?'

It was so inconspicuous, I was the only person who stopped and stared gaping. At once i realized this was no ordinary box as it seemed to radiate consciouness. As I tried to understand what it was and it's motives, The box, in an effort to conceal it's sentience, froze.

I took a step toward it. The band's music became white noise. The 20,000 person crowd around me drifted from reality as my being tried to understand this 'thing'.

Curiosity overthrew common sense as a new conviction to understand that which shouldn't be.

As I approached closer, it decided to abandon subtlety. It made its best efforts towards escaping me but it had no chance. With my long strides compared to its clumsy erratic movements, I shortly was 5 yards away and it stopped, accepting defeat.

Out of pure instinct I stopped in my tracks and stared at that which I couldn’t comprehend. A second passed but it could’ve been hours. I felt the creature’s soul panic as a villain cornered by police. I understood that it would be fatal for it if I just overturned the box. I just stumbled upon that which shouldn't be known.

W.C.
sir-winston.squarespace.com

drewbelmore01
09-23-2013, 07:07 AM
I have not much skills to criticize your work, though I would like to say that I enjoyed reading it. You have some good thoughts and ideas to be shared with us through this piece.

Keep it up :)

Delta40
09-23-2013, 09:22 AM
I'm not sure. You've allocated thoughts and feelings to a box which you admit in the story you can't comprehend, perceive it has a soul and amazingly understand it would be fatal to turn it over. It doesn't make sense IMHO. Your writing skills have potential but I don't see how this story can work.

Logically, anyone who sees a box moving by itself would be thinking 'wtf?' They might freeze in wonder and then approach it with curious caution. What they wouldn't do is consider the living, spiritual motions of the box. They might call their buddies over to witness it....

AuntShecky
09-23-2013, 05:45 PM
Logically, anyone who sees a box moving by itself would be thinking 'wtf?' They might freeze in wonder and then approach it with curious caution. What they wouldn't do is consider the living, spiritual motions of the box. They might call their buddies over to witness it....

Oh, no--don't take any chances. Call the authorities. "If you see something, say something."

Delta40
09-23-2013, 06:09 PM
Oh, no--don't take any chances. Call the authorities. "If you see something, say something."

lol. Here in Oz we're less worried but you're probably right!

Sinclairlyy
10-09-2013, 04:09 AM
I would like to say that I enjoyed reading it.