Tyrrany's Wheel

[virtuoso]

Fulcrum that balances tyranny's scale
Inferior-grade ore readily shared
Penurious pawns encased by chain mail

Lives bartered to make the state's coffers swell
Earnest stock with low interest rate paired
Fulcrum that balances tyranny's scale

Provisioned hands hustled down a marked trail
Divested hearts in a two-pronged clamp snared
Penurious pawns encased by chain mail

Mass of flesh covered with bondage's' veil
Duty's moniker with passive fate squared
Fulcrum that balances tyranny's scale

In fertile plains, desolate valleys felled
For tenured, generals' blood lust, not spared
Penurious pawns encased by chain mail

Cheap corpses paying indentured states' bail
Culled chattel, leaders' indemnity bared
Penurious pawns encased by chain mail
Fulcrum that balances tyranny's scale












Destiny's Road

A bright beam will gild your dreams;
Sow your seeds in the light, for,
The dark night can't aid your schemes

Your revved engine forward steams,
with full throttle, fortunes soar;
A bright beam will gild your dreams

Through keyhole, ray of hope streams,
with passion ram through the door,
The dark night can't aid your schemes

White linings glow in the seams,
your cravings, lay not in store;
A bright beam will gild your dreams

If day's grind, mind too hard deems,
then cast straws for a quick score;
The dark night can't aid your schemes

Each ladder rung with fear teems,
as splinters through your hands bore,
The dark night can't aid your schemes;
A bright beam will gild your dreams

[Hawkman]

Hi virtuoso. Now please don't take this the wrong way, but it is my impression from your writing that English is not your first language. On top of this your are attempting one of the most taxing poetical forms. It might be a good idea for you to practice some simpler forms, like ballads, or even free verse before taking on a poem with the complexity of a villanelle.

Firstly, you seem to be demonstrating an imperfect command of metre. The first line of your poem is actually a row of dactyls and the second mixes iambs spondees and dactyls, as does the third line. Consequently, the rhythm is confused and unnatural. Secondly, each line of this poem is a discrete statement, but incomplete grammatically so that the syntax appears wrenched, apparently to accommodate the rhyme scheme. None of the lines make grammatical sense in combination. If you want an example of a villanelle to try and follow, then Dylan Thomas' "Do not go gentle into that good night" is a fairly healthy model to follow. You need to observe how enjambment is used to extend a line past the line break to make rational sentences. Your word choices are also boxing you into corners that you can't get out of. Keep your choices simple, say two syllables, so it's easy for you to keep track of the rhythm. Remember, Iambic pentameter goes di-dum, di-dum, di-dum, di-dum, di-dum. You can play with this a bit by changing to trochaic pentameter after a cesura, or natural pause in the line, preferably in the middle, and best after a comma. (Troches go dum-di) Lastly, keep your sentences grammatical: Subject, Verb, Object, and you'll find that if you include an article at the start of a line that really requires one it'll help you to establish the rhythm because generally articles are not stressed.

Hope you find this helpful.

Live and be well - H

[virtuoso]

Thanks for your words of advise, hawkman. The meter is, indeed, out of rhythm. I will have to try and use a syllabic pattern/cadence that is simpler. I like the idea of starting out with simpler, two syllable rhymes. I hope you overlook this next villanelle posting. It was written earlier this morning.

[blank|verse]

The Hawkman speaks sense, virtuoso, and it's very encouraging that you're willing to take criticism on the chin and learn from it.

The second villanelle is better than the first you've posted here because it's simpler - and simplifying your work is a step in the right direction. Think more about what you want to say, and less about how many fancy words you can use to say it. :)

There are several things you need to be aware of when you're writing your poetry. Some of them are:

Diction: you often seem to go for the most florid, latinate words possible, regardless of rhythm or sound (and sometimes sense). Every word needs to earn its place in a poem, and you need to be aware that by constantly cramming in as many polysyllables as possible doesn't make for a good poem, but does suggest to the reader that the poet is merely trying to show off his/her extensive vocabulary more than they are bothered about writing a good poem.

Modification: see above, partly; but you frequently pre-modify nouns and verbs:

Provisioned hands hustled down a marked trail
Divested hearts in a two-pronged clamp snared
Penurious pawns encased by chain mail

This is a very cumbersome and verbose way of writing that is slow to read and is probably the main culprit in why your poetry lacks rhythm. Ask yourself why you've used these modifiers. (See also diction.) Compression - of thought and expression - is a valued quality in poetry. Make fewer words work harder for you, don't rely on more words.

Syntax: see Hawkman's comments; the biggest sin is you use inverted syntax, verbs at the end of clauses and sentences putting, which is an archaism, and will either be laughed at, or dismissed as meaningless because the reader will see the poet isn't skilled enough to use the language actually used and spoken by people today. I can't stress it enough if you want to be taken seriously: you must stop this! Every time you even think about doing this, smack your hands together and say: 'No! Today I will speak like today!' or something. Or at least look at your calendar to remind yourself you live in the 21st century.

Abstractions: while these are still used in poetry today (Charles Simic seems to get away with lots of references to 'Time' and 'Eternity') generally you have to be very careful using the Great Abstractions, particularly if you're going to personify them. Again, it's a cheap trick, it's been done to death hundreds of years ago... make it new urged Ezra Pound (http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/5664).

Exercises: the form of a poem should come after you've decided, even partly, on content. If you just think, oh, I'll write villanelle / sonnet / pantoum etc. today, it's almost certainly likely to be not as good as a poem that has sprung up more organically, to which you've committed some thought and decided what form the poem should take and WHY. Musicians practise chords and scales but perform songs. We, as the audience, want to hear performance, not practice.

And there's probably other things, but that'll do for the time. Anyway, I hope this helps. I know some of this sounds a bit terse - that's possibly because I've written posts like this in the past to other people - but it's meant to be helpful or thought-provoking in some way. And keep writing and reading - particularly contemporary poetry; it doesn't bite, and you might even find some you like...

[virtuoso]

Thanks for your incisive critique, blankverse. I definitely need to cut out the inversion and archaic, gramattical constructs. I tried to simplify the second poem. I have been using way too many descriptive words. I will have to remember to write as I speak. I will endeavor to cut out the end-frame verbs. Again, thanks for your advice.