Conscripts

[virtuoso]

Pale shadows riding the coattails of war
No grand calling their retail value to brand
Conscripts; another's bloody cross to gore

Scantily-clad, domesticated corps
Rank and file on bland exhibition stand
Pale shadows riding the coattails of war

Raw recruits with their country's mantle soar
Sacrificial shields o'er fallow fields spanned
Conscripts; another's bloody cross to gore

On cannoned bastions, bloody libations pour
Each, drowning tidal wave carefully planned
Pale shadows riding the coattails of war

Nameless numbers into fateful shards bore
Vicarious grunts falling on demand
Conscripts; another's bloody cross to gore

Winsome youth now dispatched to heaven's door
Only mortal courage left to remand
Conscripts; another's bloody cross to gore
Pale shadows riding the coattails of war

[Hawkman]

This is a respectable effort virtuoso, but there is rather a lot of syntactical inversion going on and some rather contrived rhyming. There's rather a big problem in the a2 refrain - "conscripts, another's bloody cross to gore" How does one gore a cross, exactly? Your biggest problem is a habit of choosing words that rhyme without giving sufficient thought to their meaning. You also need to pay attention to punctuation. For example, conscripts should be followed by a semi colon, not a comma. Your collocations are suspect too. Nameless numbers? It doesn't really work. There is also a tendency for each line to read like a simple statement which just doesn't make sense because of your word choices. Your use of vicarious doesn't work because you've shackled it to grunts. The reader is left assuming that you mean common soldiers but it doesn't really make sense. Are these soldiers stand-ins for other soldiers? It just doesn't work.

You seem to be able to write meaningful sentences when you're not trying to be "poetic." Try writing meaningful sentences in your poetry and it'll get much better.

Live long and prosper - H

[virtuoso]

The connotation "another's bloody cross to gore" refers to the stand-in conscripts bearing the cross of the nomenclature. The cross here represents the selfish pursuits of religious and political leaders (tyrants, oligarchs, dictators, kings, imperialists of any kind (democratic or not). I thought about using "another's bloody flag or cross to soar" I struggled with flag and cross as well. Re-read the poem, and see if the phrase does not make more sense to you.

"Nameless numbers" refers to the ignominious, conscript hordes. They fight with a degree of anonymity. They are minions of the state. "Vicarious grunts" are ill-trained soldiers performing a thankless, but profitable service, for the state/leaders.

The rhyme scheme is always shackling in this style of poem. I may change a few words. There could be a bit more congruence between the repetitive lines and preceding lines as well. Thanks for your incisive analysis, hawkman. I will definitely take it to heart. Thanks for stopping by!

[virtuoso]

Version 2



Pale shadows riding the coattails of war
No grand calling their retail value to brand
Conscripts with another's bloody flag soar

Scantily-clad, domesticated corps
Rank and file on bland exhibition stand
Pale shadows riding the coattails of war

Raw recruits, their country's mantle but lore
Sacrificial shills o'er fallow fields spanned
Conscripts with another's bloody flag soar

On cannoned bastions, bloody libations pour
Each, drowning tidal wave carefully planned
Pale shadows riding the coattails of war

Nameless faces into fateful shards bore
Automatons now falling on demand
Conscripts with another's bloody flag soar

Winsome youth now dispatched to heaven's door
Only mortal courage left to remand
Conscripts with another's bloody flag soar
Pale shadows riding the coattails of war

[cafolini]

Pale shadows riding the coattails of war
No grand calling their retail value to brand
Conscripts; another's bloody cross to gore

Scantily-clad, domesticated corps
Rank and file on bland exhibition stand
Pale shadows riding the coattails of war

Raw recruits with their country's mantle soar
Sacrificial shields o'er fallow fields spanned
Conscripts; another's bloody cross to gore

On cannoned bastions, bloody libations pour
Each, drowning tidal wave carefully planned
Pale shadows riding the coattails of war

Nameless numbers into fateful shards bore
Vicarious grunts falling on demand
Conscripts; another's bloody cross to gore

Winsome youth now dispatched to heaven's door
Only mortal courage left to remand
Conscripts; another's bloody cross to gore
Pale shadows riding the coattails of war

This reminds me of operation Desert Storm on the Iraqui side, and the 8,000,000 conscripts lying dead on the Iranian sands during the Iraqui-Iranian conflict. And you remind me of a cheap marketer I once knew.

[virtuoso]

Read the second version, Calfolini. It is much improved. Why didn't you read version 2? Are you trying to be evasive or dismissive? Version 2 is marketed much better. I rest it on its own laurel. Don't be smug or contemptuous in your critiques. YOUR OWN POEMS ARE NOT SHOWCASES! Do you wish me to critique your poems in a smart aleck manner? Lend some constructive criticism! I respect your opinion, but give me a rationale for it.

[blank|verse]

And you remind me of a cheap marketer I once knew.
virtuoso - you're quite right to be angry. This isn't a critique but a personal insult, which is not allowed on the forum. Feel free to report cafolini to the moderators.

[virtuoso]

Thanks for the support, blankverse. Your critiques are always incisive and sharp, but you always have a good rationale for them. Those, I do appreciate and need. I hate to call people out. Before I got to know the critique styles of some of the members, I posted some replies that were out of line. I, actually, thought that Aunt Shecky was calling me a fool, when she used the reference "yours fooly". I was admonished rather quickly. I hope that Calfolini will return, and give me a rationale for her terse critique. I wouldn't have a problem with it, if she would give me a basis for it. I agree that it was a cheap shot, and I hope that she will make amends for it.