Nervous Cough

[virtuoso]

From callous perch
a sudden lurch
tense eyes darting
stiff brows parting

Scanning the room
a sonic boom
consciousness flares
from token stares

Subconscious squares
the extant glares
with identity,
inequity

Jittery tic
lighting the wick
from shallow trough
springs nervous cough

[Hawkman]

This actually starts off quite well, though really you need an indefinite article at the start of S1L2. but if you had maintained a coherent syllable count per line throughout the poem I'd understand the reason for omitting it. so you go from 3 syllable lines to 4 syllable lines in S2. I could understand the sense of progression here again, if it was maintained. but from here on you are skipping about all over the place. "Subconscious squares" is really the low point of this poem. A mirror pattern in the linear syllable count would have been quite effective or even just sticking to one syllable count all the way through. Lighting the wick is also something of a curve ball. "From shallow trough" is just about acceptable, though a little un- relatable in context.

The overall effect is quite rhythmic, the poem does have a definite is occasionally irregular beat, like railway wheels, but in places it just looks as though you've thrown words in to rhyme, rather than thought about their meaning.

Please remember to observe the forum rule on posting multiple threads in one day (24 hour period) If you wish to make multiple posts, please put them in a single thread. Making multiple thread postings is "flooding" and selfish, as it forces other people's work off the page.

Live and be well - H

[virtuoso]

Thanks for commenting, hawkman. I need to re-work the syllable counts for sure., and "Lighting the wick" is a bit too cliche'ish.