A Cofession of Faith

[L.M. The Third]

I believe in the immortal
Sky that is one, and four, and all;
That in panoply and parade
Changeth not. I believe surging
Grey -- conquering and to conquer --
Is but the counterpoint of sun.
I believe that when the jet streams
Of our chalk and crayon dreams
Scrape the Imperturbable Wild,
And when the foaming clouds crash
(While the wind awakens Romance
With the rain) then have we found
The secret the sky always knew.
(Slowly the welcome blankness creeps --
Slate of all they -- we-- are -- I am --
In the midst of the winged clouds.)


Thoughts or critiques?

[virtuoso]

I think that you have aptly sketched the availing sky, and artfully paired its manifestations with the human spirit. I think that the parentheses are unnecessary, unless you are citing another source. If you are, then you need quotation marks. You probably could drop the "and" in front of "when the clouds". I think that "and the wind awakens romance" would tie that whole sequence together (without the parentheses).

[L.M. The Third]

Thanks, those are helpful suggestions. That "and" was probably partly there to keep the meter, but could be replaced or omitted.

[Jack of Hearts]

Deserving of a bump.






J

[bIGwIRE]

I believe in the immortal
Sky that is one, and four, and all;
That in panoply and parade
Changeth not. I believe surging
Grey -- conquering and to conquer --
Is but the counterpoint of sun.
I believe that when the jet streams
Of our chalk and crayon dreams
Scrape the Imperturbable Wild,
And when the foaming clouds crash
(While the wind awakens Romance
With the rain) then have we found
The secret the sky always knew.
(Slowly the welcome blankness creeps --
Slate of all they -- we-- are -- I am --
In the midst of the winged clouds.)


Thoughts or critiques?

I love this. Wow, delicious....