Chattanooga Blues

[Whisper]

Around these city streets we talk like lions
but we sacrifice our souls like lambs.
I hear Maria through the door, she's cryin',

I don't know why, but she thinks she is dyin'.
Maria came from Nashville with a tramp.
Around these city streets we talk like lions -

we walk like elephants, and swear we're giants.
We always say that we don't give a damn.
I hear Maria through the door, she's cryin' -

about climbing buildings, jumpin', flyin'.
She threatens suicide, then flies her clam
around these city streets. We talk like lions:

"There is a girl out in the driveway tryin'
to make me take a shot". "Then go you scamp,"
says Maria through the door, she's cryin' :

"Sleepin' children, better run like lightnin',
mamma's little baby better scram."
Around these city streets we talk like lions.
I hear Maria through the door, she's cryin'.

[Charles Darnay]

I think you've got the rhythm right for this one. You use the same technique in S2 and S4 - cutting the stanza short with a refrain. It doesn't work to well in S2, comes across as sloppy. In S4 it's really nice.

Upon re-reading it, you could do away with S2 entirely. It is the weakest part of the poem. Just an idea to play around with.

[Hawkman]

It's nice to see some formal verse being posted. Personally I find villanelles rather taxing, but I'd say this one works quite well. I might be inclined to modify the punctuation: I'd lose the dash after cryin' in S3 (you don't need it) You need a comma after go in S5 and I think a full stop after door. and lose the colon at the end of the line. You need a comma here.

Pretty good effort, I'd say. welcome to the forum.

Live and be well- H

[blank|verse]

Yes, an impressive first post, Whisper - villanelles aren't easy and this is a good effort.

I like the way you've used assonantal half-rhymes to extend your rhyming range and avoid being too repetitive; that's nicely achieved. Likewise with breaking some of the repeated lines and being inventive with the syntax. Strong opening line as well; I love the phrase 'talk like lions', and I enjoyed the way you utilise animal imagery throughout the poem.

I've not heard the idiom 'to fly one's clam' (line 11) but I think I get the drift!

Overall, perhaps I'd want to be more convinced of the Maria's 'blues'; and her plight and that of the narrator and co. 'talking like lions' seems a bit disparate... but I can live with that, and think the poem is more successful than not.

Excellent stuff; look forward to reading more of your poetry.

[Whisper]

Thank you Charles, for stopping in to read and comment on my poem.

[Whisper]

Hawkman,

I really appreciate you pointing out the editorial mishaps. I'm am actually inclined to fix them now. I am new to the site and I wasn't sure if anyone here would even recognize the villanelle. It's nice to see that there are others here who appreciate formal poetry.

Best wishes -W

[Whisper]

Blank verse,

I'm glad you enjoyed my villanelle! Yes, I chose to use some half rhymes and metrical variations here; I felt that they would compliment the patois, and soften the repetition. I'm glad you approve.

All the best - W

[Jassy Melson]

This poem is not a villanelle. Some lines contain eleven syllables, some ten, some nine. A villanelle, like a sonnet, is a strict poetic form. No deviations are allowed. All lines in a villanelle must contain the same number of syllables.

[blank|verse]

Whisper – there is a variety of experience and knowledge on the forum, but yes, some of us certainly know a villanelle when we see one. I might even have a go at one myself… although I might upset some prescriptivist formalists if I do. Speaking of which…

Jassy – it is a villanelle. You’re wrong to say that each line should contain the same number of syllables, as this definition explains (http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/5796).

This definition from the Poetry Archive (http://www.poetryarchive.org/poetryarchive/glossaryItem.do?letter=V&id=8093) states that iambic pentameter is 'usually' used (ie. not always), and this definition from the Poetry Foundation (http://www.poetryfoundation.org/learning/glossary-term/Villanelle) makes no mention of metrical necessities.

Even if you think each line should be iambic pentameter, those lines can vary between – who’d have guessed it? – nine and 11 syllables. I’ve not counted each line (I’m happy to take your word for it) but even if there were more or fewer, it would still be a villanelle, according to the definitions.

By the same argument, I wonder if you count Shakespeare’s sonnets as ‘proper’ sonnets, seeing as ‘no deviations are allowed’ and he used the English and not the ‘proper’ Italian form. It’s a nonsensical argument that fails to account for artistic innovation. As, after all, ‘imagination is more important than knowledge’.

Have you read any of Paul Muldoon’s sonnets, sestinas, haiku, pantoums…? His innovation of form is one of the key features of poetry during the last 30 years. He also experimented with the villanelle form – eg. read ‘Longbones’ from Hay (1998) or ‘As Your Husband Looks Up to Our Window’ from Horse Latitudes (2006). To deny this and hang on desperately to some archaic form – that never existed in the first place – is the type of straitlaced attitude that holds poetry back and denies any sort of artistic creativity and innovation and should be consigned to the rubbish bin / trashcan as soon as possible.

Perhaps you could consider what Whisper has achieved in writing a poem in a difficult form, or suggest what could be improved, and concentrate on that rather than stopping at the first self-imposed obstacle?

[virtuoso]

I agree with Charles that stanza two is poorly worded. She is not entering a new, adventuresome life thinking that she is dying. (maybe later on). Here is a suggestion for the first line in stanza two. "In innocent chains with hope vyin'".

[AuntShecky]

I think this one creates a whole new form, combining the elements of the villanelle with traditional blues structure, with its repetition, colloquial expressions, and emotional impact.

[Whisper]

The villanelle was first used by French aristocrats, and French is a language that contains all regular stresses. In English villanelles, and English meter, it's not so much about syllable count as it is about "feet", or "beats" -- stressed syllables. Many modern villanelles do not even conform to meter at all.

Thank you AuntShecky,
It's nice to think that the poem may 'transcend' the form.

Best to all

[Whisper]

Virtuoso,

Thank you for stopping in to offer your suggestion.

[Whisper]

It's funny to think that one may complain about the syllable count, and not make one mention of my shameless vowel bending assonance.