TalkToTheWalls
07-28-2013, 06:07 PM
Probed
I'm writing this 20 minutes after having my first MRI brain scan. This experience was something that I felt was noteworthy. To myself at least. I wonder if anyone else had the same experience while getting an MRI scan. I wondered if anyone had ever experienced what I was experiencing.
Right before I walked into the scanning room, I reached at my neck for the necklace that I've worn everyday for the past 8 years, only to find that it wasn't there. Gold isn't what most people think of when someone says "metal", but it is in fact a metallic element, so it had to be removed.
My glasses were removed as soon as I got situated on the table. Everything after that was a literal "blur". Earlier conversation with my physician led me to expect music. Either through headphones or earphones. Regular music. The headphones didn't fit because of the situation with the head brace and padding, so "ear plugs" were snugly put in. That's what the physician called them, but many people call "earphones" "ear plugs" so I was still expecting music. It wasn't until the end of the scan that I would realize this wasn't regular music...
I made it a point to stay really still. My head was put in an awkward position, and my body was slightly shifted to the right. The physician gave me an emergency ball to squeeze in case of, well, an emergency. I folded my right arm over my stomach and held it in that hand. Firmly. In my mind, the ball was only to be used by wimps, or someone who was incidentally having their brains fried and melted. After what felt like a couple if minutes, I considered maybe I fit into one of those categories.
Left lying, waiting for the music to start, I contemplated the possibility that the music may be too loud for my ears. My ears are pretty sensitive, and anything above three notches would probably startle me. I felt myself tensing up, annoyed by the fact that she didn't even question my personal tolerance level.
Without warning, I was slowly pushed into the narrow tube. Though I was dreading the onset of loud, unbearable music, I forced myself to promise I wouldn't use the alert ball for something so stupid. For pride's sake, I guess.
A few seconds went by. Silence. Then a few more. The machine started to produce a low rumbling sound. It couldn't have been music because the noise was awful and the total opposite of soothing. I almost completely ruled out the possibility of listening to music. Then I started to consider that maybe this rumbling sound WAS the music.
More time went by. The sound switched pitches and patterns. The machine shook at the commencement of each new set. There was even a time where the sounds mimicked outer space "beeps" and "boops", and people with wood clappers playing "Simon Says". I thought maybe these weren't machine sounds. Maybe I was just being unappreciative of the music that was given to me. My body was still and my eyes opened and closed as they pleased. Bored, I began to focus on what I was feeling... Terrible idea.
The scanning seemed to come in stages. In each stage my body felt a new feeling. When the first stage began, my body just felt stiff. I knew the more I moved, the longer it would take. I focused on my hearing and touch. The radio waves were felt buzzing in the base of my neck and head. Heat was felt too. Placebo effect, probably. I know. But at the time, my mind was telling me that my brain was being fried by the wicked machine. The low rumble continued, loud and steady for minutes. I just knew this wasn't normal. Then again, I also know that I occasionally over-think things, and make myself paranoid with thoughts of unfortunate scenarios, like the ones in "1,000 Ways To Die".
I thought about the emergency ball in my right hand. It wasn't there. My hand wasn't there. And neither was my arm. I knew it was all there, I just couldn't FEEL them. That's definitely a placebo effect too. But then the humming switched up. The sound broke into 2-second parts with 1-second spaces in between. In the spaces, silence. And in the humming, words. Unmistakable speech, blanketed with code.
The second stage was even more interesting. The sounds came from different directions in different tones. I could feel which part of my head was being scanned. At one point, a pulsating, mid-toned buzz resonated from above. My eyes closed, and I could SEE the waves. I could FEEL the waves drawing me in. I got flash backs of things that have never happened to me before. Grim, vivid images and visions. There were beeping sounds, then clanking sounds, then humming sounds again. My body felt weightless. My head was heavy. Parts of my body twitched. I was being probed and possessed, undoubtedly.
Finally, peace. The last stage happened so quickly. I only remember being calm; mind and body still. I could only feel my heartbeat. The blood pumped through my chest out to the arms and legs. My brain shook with the frequencies of the waves, and sent me to sleep. Destination not reached.
Everything stopped. Not like it does in between buzzing or in between tones and rhythms. It just, well, stopped. A voice greeted me and told me I was done. With my head still facing fixed straight, and my glasses off, I tried to look down. And what I saw wasn't what I expected...
Black robe? Black hair? This isn't the physician who greeted me, and talked with me, and got me situated in the machine. This was someone else. I was sat up and was told that I might be a little dizzy. I said I wasn't. I didn't think I was. But I probably was. The emergency ball was taken out of my hand. Only then did I realize the subtle death-grip that I had on it. I put my glasses on and took the ear PLUGS out. It WASN'T music. They WERE in fact ear plugs.
My senses are clear now. (Except for my sense of direction). Now I was positive this wasn't the person who brought me in. I was guided out of the scanning room feeling lost. The original physician was sitting behind the control center. The physician who mislead me into thinking music would be played for me. The physician who started all of the confusion that happened while I was in the tube. The physician who indirectly convinced me that I was being ungrateful for the odd futuristic "music" that was being played for me. In my hand, the ear plugs; her sly accomplice. Walking out, I still felt the buzzing. And I still heard the hum. And even though I know I was mislead, something in my mind, in the back of my head, still tells me that I was probed...
I'm writing this 20 minutes after having my first MRI brain scan. This experience was something that I felt was noteworthy. To myself at least. I wonder if anyone else had the same experience while getting an MRI scan. I wondered if anyone had ever experienced what I was experiencing.
Right before I walked into the scanning room, I reached at my neck for the necklace that I've worn everyday for the past 8 years, only to find that it wasn't there. Gold isn't what most people think of when someone says "metal", but it is in fact a metallic element, so it had to be removed.
My glasses were removed as soon as I got situated on the table. Everything after that was a literal "blur". Earlier conversation with my physician led me to expect music. Either through headphones or earphones. Regular music. The headphones didn't fit because of the situation with the head brace and padding, so "ear plugs" were snugly put in. That's what the physician called them, but many people call "earphones" "ear plugs" so I was still expecting music. It wasn't until the end of the scan that I would realize this wasn't regular music...
I made it a point to stay really still. My head was put in an awkward position, and my body was slightly shifted to the right. The physician gave me an emergency ball to squeeze in case of, well, an emergency. I folded my right arm over my stomach and held it in that hand. Firmly. In my mind, the ball was only to be used by wimps, or someone who was incidentally having their brains fried and melted. After what felt like a couple if minutes, I considered maybe I fit into one of those categories.
Left lying, waiting for the music to start, I contemplated the possibility that the music may be too loud for my ears. My ears are pretty sensitive, and anything above three notches would probably startle me. I felt myself tensing up, annoyed by the fact that she didn't even question my personal tolerance level.
Without warning, I was slowly pushed into the narrow tube. Though I was dreading the onset of loud, unbearable music, I forced myself to promise I wouldn't use the alert ball for something so stupid. For pride's sake, I guess.
A few seconds went by. Silence. Then a few more. The machine started to produce a low rumbling sound. It couldn't have been music because the noise was awful and the total opposite of soothing. I almost completely ruled out the possibility of listening to music. Then I started to consider that maybe this rumbling sound WAS the music.
More time went by. The sound switched pitches and patterns. The machine shook at the commencement of each new set. There was even a time where the sounds mimicked outer space "beeps" and "boops", and people with wood clappers playing "Simon Says". I thought maybe these weren't machine sounds. Maybe I was just being unappreciative of the music that was given to me. My body was still and my eyes opened and closed as they pleased. Bored, I began to focus on what I was feeling... Terrible idea.
The scanning seemed to come in stages. In each stage my body felt a new feeling. When the first stage began, my body just felt stiff. I knew the more I moved, the longer it would take. I focused on my hearing and touch. The radio waves were felt buzzing in the base of my neck and head. Heat was felt too. Placebo effect, probably. I know. But at the time, my mind was telling me that my brain was being fried by the wicked machine. The low rumble continued, loud and steady for minutes. I just knew this wasn't normal. Then again, I also know that I occasionally over-think things, and make myself paranoid with thoughts of unfortunate scenarios, like the ones in "1,000 Ways To Die".
I thought about the emergency ball in my right hand. It wasn't there. My hand wasn't there. And neither was my arm. I knew it was all there, I just couldn't FEEL them. That's definitely a placebo effect too. But then the humming switched up. The sound broke into 2-second parts with 1-second spaces in between. In the spaces, silence. And in the humming, words. Unmistakable speech, blanketed with code.
The second stage was even more interesting. The sounds came from different directions in different tones. I could feel which part of my head was being scanned. At one point, a pulsating, mid-toned buzz resonated from above. My eyes closed, and I could SEE the waves. I could FEEL the waves drawing me in. I got flash backs of things that have never happened to me before. Grim, vivid images and visions. There were beeping sounds, then clanking sounds, then humming sounds again. My body felt weightless. My head was heavy. Parts of my body twitched. I was being probed and possessed, undoubtedly.
Finally, peace. The last stage happened so quickly. I only remember being calm; mind and body still. I could only feel my heartbeat. The blood pumped through my chest out to the arms and legs. My brain shook with the frequencies of the waves, and sent me to sleep. Destination not reached.
Everything stopped. Not like it does in between buzzing or in between tones and rhythms. It just, well, stopped. A voice greeted me and told me I was done. With my head still facing fixed straight, and my glasses off, I tried to look down. And what I saw wasn't what I expected...
Black robe? Black hair? This isn't the physician who greeted me, and talked with me, and got me situated in the machine. This was someone else. I was sat up and was told that I might be a little dizzy. I said I wasn't. I didn't think I was. But I probably was. The emergency ball was taken out of my hand. Only then did I realize the subtle death-grip that I had on it. I put my glasses on and took the ear PLUGS out. It WASN'T music. They WERE in fact ear plugs.
My senses are clear now. (Except for my sense of direction). Now I was positive this wasn't the person who brought me in. I was guided out of the scanning room feeling lost. The original physician was sitting behind the control center. The physician who mislead me into thinking music would be played for me. The physician who started all of the confusion that happened while I was in the tube. The physician who indirectly convinced me that I was being ungrateful for the odd futuristic "music" that was being played for me. In my hand, the ear plugs; her sly accomplice. Walking out, I still felt the buzzing. And I still heard the hum. And even though I know I was mislead, something in my mind, in the back of my head, still tells me that I was probed...