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Writing Penguin
07-23-2013, 05:22 PM
Ok, so this is a bit of writing practice for me. I gave myself a few ''banned words'' to write around, and the task to illustrate a something. I'm interested in knowing:
1) Have I succeeded? Tell me what you think is the motive.
2) Was it enjoyable to read? Anything that stands out as terrible or great?

Repaid

Don't move. A wrong movement and it's time.
Your wages are high. A single day's dinner against superstition.

A second to think. Too short by far. But a little too much. Remember.
You came for yourselves. Which way were you?

It's time. Don't think. Do or you won't.
Realization. What now?

You must be clever. But where? Away is tragedy. Home even more.
Observe. React. Focus is life.

Don't think family. Don't think friends. Or they'll get what gives and takes.
Sprint. Or someone won't starve. A family of four.

Loud noises. The silence means danger.
Quicker. Further. Below. Behind. Never face your fear.

Soft noises. Continue. Body aching. Keep it up and you won't.
A hole. Hide. You're in company.

Writing Penguin
07-23-2013, 05:52 PM
And because posting more than one poem on the same day is against forum rules, here's another one I just made.

Thus I act

If the universe moves at the same speed as I
May I assume I am its center?

That I am all that matters
All that does
for me?

All there is
All there will be
to me?

And you're all who are
And nobody else will be
with me?

And thus I act for more than me
So that those might be

Haunted
07-23-2013, 09:38 PM
What does "Repayed" mean? Is it "repaid" or something else entirely? I'm afraid I don't understand one bit of what you were trying to say. "Away is tragedy"... what's that?? I think you need to be clear about what your message is. Then find a way to say it in the most compelling way. Right now it's just a bunch of words meshed together.

Liked the idea of universe moving at certain speed and you being the center in second post, but then it degenerated into abstraction and it seems to be all fluff.

It's a start and a worthy exercise but I think you have your work cut out for you.

Writing Penguin
07-24-2013, 06:41 AM
Since I'm not going to reveal more than is guessed, I'm going to try not reveal anything more about the first poem than necessary, whilst responding to your questions.
''Repayed'' is just a misspelling. It's been corrected.

''Away is tragedy'', please look at the follow-up line, ''Home even more''. It will be tragedy to be away, but even more to be home.

The second poem isn't really very abstract, and not part of the excercise. What it says is very literally, just the narrator's thoughts. The general idea of which is, ''It is my task to care about myself, but I will make society a place that cares about others, even if it doesn't care about me, so that it might one day do the same''.