clouds

[blank|verse]

.

clouds

clouds roll across afternoon fields
like thoughts of clouds yellow clouds in the blue
as you roll on your back in the fields at the thought
of clouds on a sea that rolls its thoughts across fields
of sand and sounds like the thoughts of clouds might sound as a girl like you
rolls in thought at the sound of the sea as she rolls on her back like the sea like the
clouds that roll like thoughts yellow thoughts across fields across days across summer

[angliholic]

Thought provoking, BV.
Very creative and original

[Hawkman]

I like the poem b/v but I feel that the concrete shape detracts from the words. If incorporated into a piece of graphic design, where a complete picture was formed from various patterns of word density and shapes, then it might be more justifiable (excuse the pun) :D I feel that to function fully as a piece of writing it would benefit from punctuation. Now who do I know who once said that punctuation was necessary because it acts like the rests in music....? But then, I'm not a fan of concrete poetry, I think I've only used the form once in "Darling Dalek", where I attempted to make the word pattern a bit Dalek-shaped, though, as far as I can remember, I did punctuate it.

I do like the circular nature of the revolving thoughts, and the rhythm is really good.

Live and be well - H

[virtuoso]

I agree with Hawkman that there needs to be some punctuation. It is a hard read in its current form. The jumbled thoughts need to be segmented. The meshing of abstract forms and natural imagery is breathtaking. It is palpitatingly surreal. The idea shapes the forms, then the forms shape the ideas. Did you think about blending in the color "green" with the rolling fields, or the color "brown" with the sands? The color variation might add more enrich the tone, mood. I love the deep, thought-provoking dreamscape!

[blank|verse]

Thanks for the kind words, angliholic.

And thanks, Hawk – glad you like it despite your aversion to concrete poems. I can’t quite follow your suggestion, but you seem to be saying that making it more obviously a concrete poem would improve it, which I don’t agree with. I think the suggested shape is – that word again – playful enough without being overly distracting.

And punctuation does act like rests in music – but the music of this poem is free-flowing and continuous, using loose ternary feet to establish the rhythm. And it’s meant to accumulate (insert more pun-excusing here) and be a bit breathless, even if that means having to read it through a few times. I’m trying to create that mood of yielding to a summer’s day, giving in, losing control. Being fussy about punctuation goes against that feeling. Who gives a **** about semi-colons when they're sunbathing? So I'm more than happy that it 'functions fully' as it stands. It’s not a long poem, and I trust the reader enough to add his or her own breaks if and where they feel necessary.

So I hope that answers your point as well, virtuoso. And thanks for the other suggestion. I think I did have other colours in a draft version, but felt they became a bit intrusive; hopefully there’s enough interest in the poem as it is. Thanks again.

[Hawkman]

Hi again b/v. Actually, no, I didn't mean to imply that making it more concrete would improve it - quite the opposite in fact. By concentrating on the visual images of various forms, the words become incidental, an extra revelation on closer examination of the image. Personally I feel that the poem's primary objective is to be a poem. Certainly I feel you pulled off the mood very well, though I couldn't actually decide whether the shape of the thing was supposed to be a cloud, and with three of the sides as straight lines this would be fairly difficult, or waves on a beach. I think I felt the pattern was definitely more wave-like. I certainly liked the place it took me.

Live and be well - H

[Haunted]

This is really interesting and refreshing. The lines are repetitive and yet shifting slightly with words, that's how clouds change shapes.

[blank|verse]

Thanks again for the feedback, Hawk. As for the intended shape, well, there’s a bit of a clue in the title. And no, it’s not perfect, but it’s certainly suggestive of that, and poetry deals with implication and suggestion of course; if you think it’s more wave-like, that’s fine and is a fair interpretation. I didn’t really consider this a concrete poem as such, but you could argue it is, that’s ok either way. And glad you appreciated the mood.

And thanks for the generous comments, Haunted. I am drawn to poems which have a circular, hypnotic feel, like villanelles or pantoums, but they’re (very) difficult to get right. I’m also interested in how language can be used to create indeterminacy, without losing the reader completely, so I might try and write in this style in future. Thanks again.