PDA

View Full Version : Hatchk’s Night



sawkid
07-20-2013, 07:57 PM
Initially it was the warmly glowing windows which charmed him at first but the frigidness he felt once inside almost made his reflective nature reconsider. It was only temporary, Hatchk thought that night, going into the pub. After all, he did need some shelter from the spiteful rains outside. As such, he remained committed.

Not noticing the clock’s hands pointing at a quarter past ten, Hatchk took seat on a low stool in front of the cheerful bartender - making an inquisition for regional draft which was decent. In return, he received his tall blond in a spotless glass. Hatchk only kept to himself as he sipped it and thought about what tomorrow had promised.

The minutes turned around slowly as more and more drenched townsfolk leisurely walked in. The locals were mostly burly jolly people who did hard labors in trades associated with the vast forests surrounding the town. It was in their communal disposition to all gather here after work to wash off all their sweat and toil. Despite the developing atmosphere, which was already fairly interactive when compared to most of the other pubs around the country, Hatchk remained busy in his thoughts.

“Only a few more hours,” Hatchk kept reminding himself. He had already delivered the packages he was asked to earlier, it was now only a question of killing off the night and rainstorms in peace before he could begin his journey back home to his pregnant lady.

As the night steadily moved on, the noise levels in the pub started getting louder and louder – parallel to the increasing amount of ale which was being consumed. Conversations were starting to become incomprehensible. Soon enough, there was rowdy laughter, extravagant chatter, thumping footsteps, slamming doors, and tipping glasses. It was all a blur of commotion to the ears, according to Hatchk.

When the clock struck two minutes past eleven, it happened: there was that long, screeching scream – the scream of a girl who could scream no louder, nor no desperately. It was a scream familiar to Hatchk, as it sent shock-waves of horror up his spine and startled thoughts. He was drinking his sixth blond when it happened, and it happened oh too suddenly. The rumpus pub went mute in an instant. Collectively, whoever was frolicking in song and dance was now suddenly silent and still. Only pairs of eyes dared to look around in curiosity before their accompanying souls came out of their self-induced paralysis. They all knew the source of that scream: it came from behind the darkness which prevailed in the hall upstairs.

Hatchk’s spirit took a tour into that darkness as he fainted onto the floor. Moments later, he awakened to his hands being cuffed by the local police. Ashamed at his circumstances, he willingly submitted himself to his new masters. On his way out, Hatchk looked up the staircase and saw nothing. He then noticed how his hands were wet, assuming it to be the spilt blond his hands were wrapped around before fainting. Around him the townsfolk spited him with looks of disgust.

...

drewbelmore01
09-23-2013, 07:22 AM
Another good piece of you. It's really pleasure moment to see some good works listed in this forum, it really makes the journey quite interesting and helpful here.

AuntShecky
09-23-2013, 06:42 PM
Well, I must say the premise of your story is different. Until today, I've often read about "a drinking blonde," but this is the first time I've see someone "drinking a blonde."

No matter how original the topic, a short story should be as clear, specific, and concise as possible. Show what's going on in as few words as possible-- more bang for the buck.

Here are some passages you could revise, if you're so inclined:

Your protagonist's name is unusual, but it's impossible to pronounce.


"spiteful rains" -- this is an example of what is called a "pathetic fallacy." Look it up.


". . .what tomorrow had promised." The verb tense confuses this thought. "Will promise?" In any event, it is too abstract and not specific enough. It might be possible to dump this sentence without sacrificing anything from the overall story.


". . .did hard labors in trades associated with the vast forests surrounding the town." They were lumberjacks and woodsmen from the nearby forests.


. . .to wash off their sweat and toil." If that's the case, they'd be better off in a public bath-house. ". . .to unwind after a hard day's work." (better?)

The passage which begins
"developing atmosphere. . ." is much too long, convoluted, and abstract. "Despite the friendly atmosphere, Hatchk preferred being alone with his thoughts."


"Only pairs of eyes dared to look around in curiosity before their self-induced paralysis." I could have the sharpest knife in the world -- a Ginsu knife in the infomercials on late night cable tv-- and I still couldn't cut through that sentence. To quote the LitNet's esteemed critic whose presence has been sorely missed "Write to express, not to impress.


"shock-waves of horror up his spine" A cliché.


"Collectively whoever. . ." An extremely convoluted and dense sentence. How about: "The collective song and dance went silent."


Hatchk's spirit took a tour into the darkness as he fainted onto the floor. As Hatchk's spirit toured the darkness, his body hit the floor.


". . .cuffed by the local police." On what charge? Public drunkenness or failure to maintain proper syntax? (I'm just joking with you.)


His hands were wet, assuming it to be the spilt blonde his hands were wrapped around before fainting.
"assuming. . ." is a misplaced modifier, describing hands. Hands can do many things, but theycan't "assume"anything. "Spilt"-- spilled. Is this what you mean?: "Before fainting, he remembered that he had grabbed a spilled blonde. Thats why his hands were wet."

Around him the townsfolk spited him with looks of disgust. This is too anti-climactic for a closing sentence.Also, look up "spite." It's a noun in our contemporary language. As a transitive verb, it's archaic. Still it would not quite fit that connotation unless the townsfolk's spiteful looks actually bothered your hero.

I hope these comments and criticisms haven't discouraged you, but a reader can only go by what's on the (virtual) page. Your prose style will improve as you practice reading, but the best thing to do right now is to read as many modern and contemporary stories as you can in order to discover how to write effective fiction.

Welcome to the LitNet, kid.

Auntie