Monday Church

[Lykren]

I feel like I can't write anything anymore, but I gave it a go anyways.

I remember when the light was low,
and dreams rang softly out
from unopened eyes of unwoken dreamers,
like bells that could not keep from tolling
for the dead, and for the living.
The scenes were set by madmen,
the images were blue and strange,
scenes of dreams moving out of eyes
and flickering on down the hall.
An iris, a pupil, come to gather light,
reflect it, end by keeping quiet.
And ending does what must be done
to crystallize the silence.

Thanks for your comments.

[angliholic]

I felt serene when read this.
It's ethereal and beautiful

[Melanie]

I really like "crystallize the silence" and the title is intriguing.

[blank|verse]

Well, keep writing, Lykren, there are some imaginative and effective phrases in this as always with your poetry.

For me, it does read a bit like early Yeats ('He wishes for the Cloths of Heaven' specifically) with all the mentions of 'dreams', which is a word to be used with caution in contemporary poetry. You might consider tightening things, though, something like:

Tonight, the light is low
and dreams ring softly out
from unwoken eyes,

For me, saying the dreams are both 'so deep' (which is the weaker phrase of the two) and 'ring softly out' (which is strong enough to stand on its own) smudges the metaphor. But the title is used effectively, adding intrigue to how to read the poem. Good stuff.

[Lykren]

I think you are correct about 'so deep' being a weak phrase. I'll see what I can do about that.