A Perfect Present, Simple and Enduring

[Hawkman]

A birthday girl, as like as not,
appreciates the kind of rock
that, hanging from a golden chain
reflects a true financial gain.
At least, for her, intrinsic worth
is more rewarding than its dearth,
regardless of the fiscal pain
experienced by those who fain
to make her smile upon the day
that makes such inroads on their pay.

No woman who is worth her salt
will be content with mere basalt;
what she wants is crystal clear,
even if the price is dear,
and with it, she can write her name
upon a handy windowpane.
In platinum, or even gold
the mounting such a stone should hold
with reverence and in good taste;
don’t ever fob her off with paste.

[virtuoso]

I love the way you stereotype the stingy grinch (men), and the material girls. The stereotypes are unfortunately realistic. In line one, "like it or not" would sound better. A more descriptive adjective with windowpane would make the line resonate better. I think "translucent windowpane" or "showroom pane"/ "showroom frame" would sound better. I do not care for the phrase "fob her off". I think that "don't string her fob with paste"sounds better. I like the first, three lines of the last stanza. "Crystal clear" works literally and figuratively. A nice, whimsical caricature of love you have penned. Enjoyed your poem.

[Hawkman]

Virtuoso: Thank you for taking the trouble to read and comment upon this poem. I'm also happy that you enjoyed it. However, I'm afraid none of your suggestions for improvement are pertinent. Let's take a look at the first one. "like it or not" does not sound better because it alters the pattern of stresses in the line. Consequently, it doesn't scan. Neither does it mean the same thing. "like it or not" means that, "this is the way things are, regardless of how you would like them to be - i.e. no choice." The phrase: "as like as not" is a common colloquial expression and actually means , "more than likely" there is a subtle difference here as, doubtless, you can now see.

As for "translucent windowpane" I wouldn't want a translucent windowpane, except perhaps, in my bathroom. Generally I feel windowpanes should be transparent. However, the sense of the line is more about the act of writing her name, and being able to inscribe glass is a traditional test for the real McCoy, as it were. The use of "handy" therefore highlights the casualness of this act of vandalism. Your alternative suggestion is contextually meaningless.

I'm sorry you don't like, "fob her off." I can only assume you are unfamiliar with both the term and its meaning. I'm afraid your substitution doesn't fit the bill. To fob someone off is to "appease or trick someone with lies or excuses," or, in the context of the poem, to try to pass off a fake as the genuine article.

Here endeth the lesson, thanks be to god.

Live and be well - H

[virtuoso]

Ok, with your stresses on the first line, but I would change the first, two lines if it was me. "As like or not" is not an appealing read at all. On "windowpane", handy windowpane does not clearly articulate what you are supposably trying to say. It reads like the windowpane is handy, not like a handy man is writing an inscription. It, also, is not a very appealing description. On "fob", maybe you did not know that a fob is also a linking chain on a piece of jewelry. This is the more common usage of the word. "Fob her off" is an adolescent sort of cliche. You can do better. But even so, I really enjoyed your poem. I will not quibble over a few worlds.

[Jerrybaldy]

Well we are living in a material world and I am errmmm material girl.

[AuntShecky]

"Talk to me, Harry Winston, tell me all about it."
(Marilyn Monroe in the song "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend")

I knew this was a Jule Styne-Leo Robin song and that it came from Gentlemen Prefer Blondes(1949) based on the novel by Anita Loos. But I plugged it into the Google machine in case I was wrong, which, alas, is often the case. While reading the Wikipedia page, I noticed that the filmmakers dubbed in a couple of lines, rescued by the industry's go-to gal, Marnie Nixon, who also "covered" for Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady (1964)and Natalie Wood in West Side Story(1961.) Natalie really had no trouble carrying a tune (cf. the film version of Gypsy and Inside Daisy Clover,) but I guess Marnie's soprano was better suited for Bernstein's high notes.

Now to the subject not only of that movie and song but your ditty as well. Jewelry, especially the kind that frames precious gems, has been associated with courtship and romantic love for millennia. (It might go all the way back to caveman days.) The beauty and rarity of the stone supposedly symbolizes that of the beloved and by extension, the desirablity of the giver as a possible mate. "He's not much on looks and no hero out of books" (as another song goes) but he's got the goods, i.e. what it takes to be a prodigious provider. By presenting his beloved with a big. . . .rock he's saying to her-- "This is how valuable your love is to me, but hey, I can afford it, so what d'ya say?" That's why Page Six is loaded with photos of gorgeous young model types hanging on the arms of potato-nosed, paunchy, and elderly billionaires. "What does she see in him?" indeed.

Out of that romantic tradition rose the danger of the designing woman, the "femme fatale," the kind of gal that will take a guy for all he's worth. Some skirts of a more practical disposition will head straight down to the pawn shop as soon as the sugar daddy's back is turned.

Your poem suggests all of that by zeroing in on the diamond necklace itself. The windowpane line was terrific, as was the choice of fob. The line "worth her salt" rhymes with "mere basalt" as long as you pronounce the "alt" at the ends of both lines with identical stresses. (The dictionary allows both "bas ALT" and "BA salt.")

Dump the apostrophe. You need the possessive pronoun (its) for "dearth."

Keep in mind all of this is theoretical, as no private benefactor has dangled precious gems in my face lately. But should that unlikely scenario ever come to pass, I'd be forced not only to obtain a manicure (so the ring wouldn't look as if it had gone "slumming") as well as an appropriate wardrobe. So I would suggest that we skip the middle man and just go with the cash.

[Hawkman]

JB: Greetings and felicitations, comrade. Well, material you may be, but at least you're not a (pri)Madonna :D I trust the funnels that keep your man-boobs under restraint don't cause undue discomfort! By the way, did you spray-paint them gold or did you stick with the traditional oil stains? ;) Regardless of your sartorial predilections, thanks for reading and raising your head above the parapet so I could take a good-natured swipe at it :D May your rocks be flawless...

Auntie: Oi vey! not the dreaded apostrophe! Thanks for spotting the errant punctuation. I detached a contingent of marines on a mission of extraordinary rendition and it now languishes in the Guantanamo gulag, where it belongs!

Indeed, there is a whole codex relating to the language of love, expressed both in flowers and jewellery--the various species of rock and flora equating with such concepts as constancy, remembrance and eternity. Largely, I would say that this arcane lore is now forgotten by the hoi polloi, the knowledge only retained by antique dealers who specialise in ancient adornments.

I wouldn't worry unduly about the manicure - Festoon your digits with large enough stones and such flesh as remains visible will go unnoticed. The observer's attention will be entirely focussed on the ice and their mind fully occupied with an exercise in mental arithmetic! I can, of course, fully sympathise with your desire for more readily exchangeable tokens in the form of cabbage leaves! So much more practical in Wal-Mart - lol I mean, money's money, my dear! After all, handing over a 15 carat stone and saying, "How many rounds of 9mm will this buy me?" could lead to a lengthy discussion and possible disagreement, even between those who deal in bulk on the black market in areas of conflict! :D

So glad you appreciated and enjoyed this little offering. Thanks for reading and contributing to the thread :)

Live and be well - H

[Haunted]

Hawk, I'm thankful this didn't descend into some blood diamond diatribe! You kept it in the realm of jolly satire and that's just the way I like it. Gals should be able to adore their rocks without any flak! :nopity:

[Hawkman]

Hi Haunted, thanks for dropping by. Flak? Isn't he a detective in CSI New York? He seems a personable sort of fellow; why wouldn't a nice girl want him to admire her rocks? :D Personally, I'd rather be arrested by Stella Bonasera ;) Of course, with a copper and the CSI around, there might be occasion to get the ice a bit blood-spattered. Just so long as it's not Haunted's gore tinting the stones - that wouldn't do at all! I see you more as the one doing the spattering. I can just imagine you, gun in hand, raiding Tiffany's so as to add to your collection of hot rocks :D

Thanks for reading and enjoying my poem. May you need a shovel to shift your stones!

Incidentally, the general drift of this conversation reminds me of a short passage in Terry Pratchett's Reaper Man. The Death of the Discworld, that 7 foot, anthropomorphic personification loved by millions, was seeking gifts for a lady. Having bought as many flowers as he could (tied up with a ribbon) and purchased the most exquisite chocolates he could find, and having been asked by the conscientious sales assistant if there would be anything else, he asked what else there should be. He was informed that Diamonds were a girl's best friend. Naturally he went to visit a jeweller's and was shown many stones, but having asked the jeweller how friendly they were, the hapless minion had to admit that the best he had to offer were merely affable. The friendliest stone he could think of was the Tear of Offler, the Crocodile God, which weighed in at 650 carats, and that, personally, he would go to bed with it. Definitely an amenable stone, methinks. May your boudoir be graced by such a gift. ;)

Live and be well - H

[blank|verse]

And here was me thinking this was going to be a poem about grammar, with the mentions in the title of present, perfect and simple…

There are some enjoyable, punning lines:

what she wants is crystal clear,

don’t ever fob her off with paste.

But overall, I feel the poem is a bit safe, and the form and language make it a bit stiff and starchy, if I’m honest. The rhyming couplets give it a very Augustan feel, supported by the poem’s didactic conclusion. And perhaps the comedy element allows you to get away with weaker lines like ‘even if the price is dear’; archaisms such as ‘dearth’ and ‘fain’; and weak modifiers like ‘handy’.

I also find the qualifying phrases in the first section (‘as like as not’, ‘that’, ‘At least, for her’) disrupt the flow; the first five lines are very slow as a result, where it feels they need to bounce along. And the first clause in the last sentence is missing a finite verb:

In platinum, or even gold
the mounting such a stone should hold
with reverence and in good taste;

is... what? I suppose your style is, or can be, a bit old-fashioned, if you don’t mind my saying; but it means the poem doesn’t feel that contemporary, and loses power as a result. A few more telling details would help bring it alive and move beyond the stereotype. It’s well-written and well-achieved, as we’ve come to expect from you, but I feel it just lacks a bit of magic.

[Hawkman]

Hi b/v and thanks for reading. Well - what can I say - I'm just an old-fashioned guy ;) As for the title, you will have noticed that although the poem is mostly written in the present simple, it doesn't keep it up, nor does it actually venture into present perfection. :D

I grant you, 'fain' isn't heard that often in contemporary speech, even if Ellis Peters uses it a lot in the Cadfael novels :D However, "dearth" is not so arcane a word as you seem to suggest. I had course lecturer (within the last 15 years) who was very fond of using it, even though he didn't actually know what it meant. He would use it when he meant a plethora! (Well - it was an art college - lol).

I don't think I agree with you about "as like as not" and "at least" slowing the poem down. They are intrinsic to the humorous tone and colour meaning. They also keep the beat, as it were. However, I'm happy that you consider the humour to be so permissive as to allow a little weakness ;)

I do admit that the punctuation isn't quite right in the last few lines and there is a little syntactical inversion in there, but in a piece of comic verse, especially one in rhyming couplets, a little syntactical inversion isn't really out of place. Still, you are right, it isn't earth-shatteringly great poetry, but then it has no pretensions to be. It's just a ten minute ditty executed with competence. I have a proper poem simmering away at the back of my mind, and if It ever gets cooked to my satisfaction I'll serve it up for the discerning palates of the critics :D

Thanks again for stopping by.
Live and be well - H

[Haunted]

Hi Haunted, thanks for dropping by. Flak? Isn't he a detective in CSI New York? He seems a personable sort of fellow; why wouldn't a nice girl want him to admire her rocks? :D Personally, I'd rather be arrested by Stella Bonasera ;) Of course, with a copper and the CSI around, there might be occasion to get the ice a bit blood-spattered. Just so long as it's not Haunted's gore tinting the stones - that wouldn't do at all! I see you more as the one doing the spattering. I can just imagine you, gun in hand, raiding Tiffany's so as to add to your collection of hot rocks :D

Flak? A character in CSI NY??? Vaguely familiar. Is he the ME? That's part of the reason they went off the air, people like me can't remember the characters, they are not *that* memorable, I'm afraid. Never my fave CSI. Actually my least favorite. Oh dear, blood splatter ice. Now that's a visual!



Thanks for reading and enjoying my poem. May you need a shovel to shift your stones!

I'd be lucky if I get a moon rock ;)



Incidentally, the general drift of this conversation reminds me of a short passage in Terry Pratchett's Reaper Man. The Death of the Discworld, that 7 foot, anthropomorphic personification loved by millions, was seeking gifts for a lady. Having bought as many flowers as he could (tied up with a ribbon) and purchased the most exquisite chocolates he could find, and having been asked by the conscientious sales assistant if there would be anything else, he asked what else there should be. He was informed that Diamonds were a girl's best friend. Naturally he went to visit a jeweller's and was shown many stones, but having asked the jeweller how friendly they were, the hapless minion had to admit that the best he had to offer were merely affable. The friendliest stone he could think of was the Tear of Offler, the Crocodile God, which weighed in at 650 carats, and that, personally, he would go to bed with it. Definitely an amenable stone, methinks. May your boudoir be graced by such a gift. ;)


Did I see the word chocolate? That's a girl's second best friend :D

thanks for humoring me!