A Motel Nightmare

[Andrew Shaw]

As I laid there clutching my throat, blood seeping through the small gaps in my fingers and out of my mouth creeping down my chin. The gargling of noise that left my mouth to call out for a cry of help. I just laid there, my life didn’t flash before my eyes as I thought it would have but to the past few days.
It had been raining non-stop since we left home, a black cloud that was following us. Being an eternal optimist I declared to Abbie that it was raining now so it wouldn’t on our one year anniversary. Abbie had always hated the rain, it damped her spirits as much as it did the earth. The drive was long so we planned a number of stops to landmarks and interesting wonders; however the pitter-patter of rain was still there like an unwelcomed guest.
The first night we slept in the car, an aching experience but the motel we booked had no record of us booking a room. This option was unavoidable and already my fault, an argument erupted between us. This left the car a hollow and uncomfortable place to be. During the middle of the night I was awoken to a loud clunking of boots as a figure watched me, staring intently and as soon as I got out of the car the figure had dashed away.
The next day had come with groggy results and the figure left no trace of its existence, maybe it was just my imagination I thought to myself, a hallucination brought on by lack of sleep. The drive would be long and Abbie was not fond of talking for most of the day.
It was soon night and we were at the next motel, we were checked in and escorted to our room. It wasn’t as pleasant as I was hoping but it was better than the car. A good night sleep would do us good or just to sleep on a bed. Dinner wasn’t bad, I never had anything negative to say about someone’s cooking. As we started to go back to our room a passion had suddenly come up between us, as we kissed and started to take each other’s clothes off before we even entered. I had caressed Abbie’s body gently and firmly, rubbing onto her bare breasts as I entered her. Kissing each other passionately as the night slowly went on.
We had fallen asleep a long while after, a good sleep is what be both needed. Slip, straight in my neck...was it really that easy? As I awoke choking on my own blood, alone in the bed as I wondered. A slim naked figure stood before me, a grim smile across their face. The bloody knife in one hand, my blood, slowly being licked by another as those piercing eyes stared right through me.

[Jack of Hearts]

Hi Andrew. Congratulations on your first post. Let's go over 'er, then.


As I laid there clutching my throat, blood seeping through the small gaps in my fingers and out of my mouth creeping down my chin. The gargling of noise that left my mouth to call out for a cry of help. I just laid there, my life didn’t flash before my eyes as I thought it would have but to the past few days.

Something's pretty glaring here. Listen- do you hear the tone of the narrator/narratrice? Kind of bored and disinterested or stale. That's a weird fit for the content it's describing and this awkwardness doesn't seem intentional. So when we begin to talk about your offering, and we look at the elements or choices you made, we can talk about things about how it's stylized- or, in this case, lacking style.

Dig in there and carve it out some more. This was a short first offering, abrupt even, and it ends so. You suggest you have more to share?







J

[Andrew Shaw]

Thanks a lot Jack, this was my first short story and wanted to see how people would react. I was attempting to distance the first paragraph from the rest of the story and set the scene. I do see how it is disinterested but it is intentional as the character isn't thinking of what just happened as he lays there dying but to the past few days. This is my first draft and was wanting some help. I don't think I should include a conclusion as the first paragraph offers the ending to the story but I could make reference to it again without adding any more detail. Thanks again,
Andy