Need help from a skilled writer on a short tale of mine

[Fenster]

It's a humorous litte tidbit from my everyday life, and I'd like some professional help to spice it up a notch. What I need help with is: Better and short and precise character description, describing the setting, setting the mood, some plot development, word mechanics, basically anything that makes the story flow more smoothly and be more funny!

It's a tale i tell sometimes at social gatherings, so any tips for making it come more alive are welcome. Sentences, build-up, punchline, words, lenght, etc. etc.

My main goal with this is to become a better story teller, and improving on my language. If you've written some high quality short stories, please PM me - and I'll send you my story to work on. It's 300 words, and you'll get full artistic freedom.

(I'd be happy to pay you a small fee if you really know your stuff :-)

[Calidore]

For starters, you could just post it here and get a variety of input from the skilled (and in some cases pro) writers on here free.

[papillondemai]

Why don't you make it a contest? Put the 300 words in a post and award the "small fee" as a prize to the best entry.

[Fenster]

Alright, the story revolves around an unintentional misdemeanor (so moralists and posh people, be warned :-).

Here goes:

I'm writing emails, and my mother is on the hunt for something sweet in the freezer. Digging deep underneath frozen fish she finds a chocolate cake with a funky, intense smell. But despite this, she strangely just gobbled it down. Minding my own business, I hear some mumbling in the distance by my conservative, abstinent mother «I hope haven't ate one of those — cannabis cakes?». Now that's a word I don't hear every day! Cannabis cake?! I thought to myself. After a little while it's out of my head, and I go for a bath. But when I am done, the house is empty.

Half-hour later I get a phone call from my pop; my mom is the ER, tingling all across her body. (She's forgot all about the cake by now.) Although she's not sure if she's got a stroke or whatnot, she's smiling like a sun, and laughing uncontrollably. The doctor scratches his head thinking it's some sort of migraine. Then he takes twenty blood tests and sends her through the CT.

Wow I thought, it's gotta be that cake! I ask my teenage brother, and yup - he's been baking. It's confirmed. Hehe, as she's a fan of always eating leftovers, I'm glad she didn't serve it in a tea party with her conservative friends!