My Body Your Body

[DieterM]

The day and our faces
dress in Burgundy
as we make out
our silhouettes,
two quivers on a beach

I unwrap you,
my gift, my prize,
and you glow
winter-white
in the hot breeze

We start to whisper
body codes,
encrypt, decrypt
messages in circles
dots and dashes

Frissons ripple
the starlit sky,
waves nibble off
our strand
as we disintegrate

the last frontiers,
and my shoulder
muffles your final sigh,
and my body
wears your perfume

[Haunted]

Dieter what's a gem of a poem! Had a little trouble with "Burgundy" — not sure if it's color or wine — but after I got passed that it's impossible not to be drawn in. Very pleasing visuals and enjoyed the "body codes" segment very much. It's a fresh departure from the usual description. The closing 2 lines sync up so beautifully with the title.

[Hawkman]

Hi Dieter. I'm inclined to agree with Haunted about those first two lines. I guess it's possible that the image means something to you, but it confuses me. How is the day, "dressed in burgundy" and why and how would the "faces" referred to in the poem reflect this? It's a very odd image. It conjures up a picture of a satanic hellish glow in the sky and people pouring red wine over their faces!

Apart from this it's a very expressive piece, although I would prefer to see it punctuated. It would make some of the enjambment les awkward.

Nevertheless, a thought provoking and enjoyable read.

Live and be well - H

[DieterM]

Thanks for reading and commenting, my dear "H"s ;-) As far as the Burgundy bit is concerned, I meant to convey the image of a dark-red evening sky reflected on the two faces, which were supposed to be flushed with excitement and red wine, too; or blushing. I guess the image didn't work as well as I expected it to work. I'll have to work on something else, then…
Oh, Hawkman, you're absolutely right about the punctuation; I worked in some commas to make the poem an easier read. Thanks for pointing out the obvious, which I sometimes tend to oversee :-)

[blank|verse]

This is a sensual poem, Dieter, which, although it uses some familiar images, stays just the right side of cliché.

I like the opening image, but if you mean the colour ‘burgundy’ it needs to be a lower-case ‘b’ to avoid confusion. Putting the sentence in the passive voice might work: ‘were dressed in burgundy’, although might be less original. Just a thought.

I thought the phrasing of this section could be smoother:

as we make out
our silhouettes
two quivers on a beach

Perhaps, if you’ll forgive me, something like this, with an additional figurative phrase:

as our silhouettes
quiver on the beach
like poured wine

And I thought these metaphors a bit problematic, as you’re objectifying your lover:

I unwrap you
my gift my prize

Did you win them in a tombola? ;) And likewise, with the technology language of the third stanza – all the 'codes' and 'decrypting' and so on - I found it a bit cold and mechanical, where I feel the language should be more sensuous and bodily.

I didn’t have a problem with the lack of punctuation but it’s up to you; I felt you used the stanza breaks effectively as a substitute.

And without wanting to be presumptuous, maybe you would be interested in this book of poetry, ‘The Crumb Road’ (http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2013/jul/05/crumb-road-maitreyabandhu-review), as I feel the poet’s writing is similar to yours. Thanks, b|v.

[virtuoso]

Hi, Dieter! An alluring, romantic beach scene painted by your, artistic pen. On the first, two lines, here is a suggestion. "The night and our faces/ Bathed in burgundy", or you could say, blushed or brushed (either word) with burgundy. I disagree with Hawkman that "burgundy" connotes a hellish image. The early-evening sky is a flaming cauldron (no pun intended). On the lines, "Our silhouettes/ Two quivers on the beach", If you take out the word "two", then you have the afore-mentioned silhouettes quivering on the beach. Quiver should be a verb not a noun in that context. You have two silhouettes quivering on the beach in moonlight ecstasy. Feel free to critique any of my poems! I miss your words of wisdom!