My Gift

[Lykren]

That was summer, this is winter.
In the heat of you resides cold
like a white dog barking, barking
and watching the dark blue distance.
The sea's forests wave and retreat,
the wind settles in and the birds
scatter. If one was to speak now
there might be a gray sound,
or none at all. Thinking only darkens
the whole tableau, like the shadow
of a great tablecloth.

In your palm is a pearl
and some sand; in your voice
there is something else, something
that wakes at a kiss
and winks at a sob.
At best, there is nothing left
but some leaves, dry and wrinkled,
and the gift of a gift.

[Hawkman]

This is a very pleasing read, Lykren. It has good pace, very nice imagery and it reads well. My only niggles with it come from the choice of "settles in" related to the wind. "Settles in" really implies settling down, making oneself comfortable and is a rather sedentary image. It doesn't really sit well with scattering birds.

The other thing, which in this case I'd cut completely, is "...and winks at a sob." it's really clumsy and doesn't fit. I'm left guessing what you are actually trying to convey with it. It's such a contradictory image that it comes over as sort of childishly funny, and feels completely out of place in context.

Apart from that, nicely done.

Live and be well- H

[XaSp18]

nicely done! i can imagine those things happening right now

[Lykren]

Hawk -

'winks at a sob' bothered me too. I feel as though a word other than sob could renovate the phrase, though. I just haven't found it yet.

[Lykren]

Reworked it and retitled it.

The Gift From Winter

That was summer, this is winter.
In the heat of you resides cold
like a white dog barking, barking
and watching the dark blue distance.
In your voice there is a night animal
that wakes at a kiss
and winks out in the light
of the gift from winter.

[Hawkman]

To be honest, as a revision of the first version, I'm not sure that it's as expressive, barring my previous notes. The revision, as a poem in its own right should lose the first line as it's superfluous. I'd also dispense with the last line as it refers to the gift of winter when there has been no mention or description of it. The first and last lines feel as if they belong to another poem and have no apparent relationship to the meat of the poem.

You need to re-punctuate line 3: "like a white dog; barking, barking" or "like a white dog barking; barking" depends how you wish it to be read.

Live and be well - H

[virtuoso]

What about "quakes at a sob". The gentle kiss awakes the slumberer. and the sorrowful lament shakes, rattles the foundation (forest floor). You have two, distinct, different substances in the palm of your hand. To make the voice a synchronic match, you have to create two, different mental/physical states and results. You have the gentle kiss breathing life into the object/person, then you have the sobbing, disturbed person/object feeling the clamorous tumult surrounding him. The kiss quietly penetrates the inner being/fabric, while the sob is an outreach to the existential realm.

Also, the phrase "there is something else", is an overly-simplistic, general statement. What about. "your voice creates, destroys life" or " your voice animates then destroys life". To end the poem, you need a wittier saying or catch-phrase. Try this, "Life's residual is a gift". It goes with the remnants of the cold winter, the dry, wrinkled leaves.

[virtuoso]

On the last, two lines of the second version. What about, "and scavenges in the light /of the long, bleak winter night". Winter's gift is a longer night for the nocturnal animals. Both lines would have seven syllables.

[blank|verse]

Quite a sad poem this one, Lykren, which seems to express the end of a relationship through the objective correlative of the end of the natural year; or it could just be a couple sharing what is certainly a downbeat scene. The form is similar to a sonnet, which feels appropriate to reflect this uncertain relationship. (And I think the revised version is a poor excuse of a poem, so I’m ignoring it and think you would be best to delete it!)

There are several strong phrases throughout; the simile of the ‘white dog barking’ is very striking (and the punctuation is fine as it stands; too much is overly fussy in context). You might consider tightening it up though; having the dog perform two, seemingly contradictory, actions (‘barking and watching’) slows things down and weakens the image. Perhaps something like:

like a white dog barking, barking
at the dark blue distance.

Although on second thoughts, I’m not sure if just:

like a white dog
watching the dark blue distance.

is better; it seems wrong to associate ‘cold’ with ‘barking’, but maybe that contrariness generates something closer to what you’re after; it certainly produces something different.

Anyway, I think ‘the wind settles in’ is fine; someone ‘settling in’ moves restlessly, and the phrase also has an ominous note – that the wind is here to stay for the foreseeable future (after all, ‘this is winter’); we know it’s not going to stop because it’s wind, and we’re not told otherwise that it’s going to stop. (I’m also put in mind here of ‘The Rain at Sea’ by the contemporary Scottish poet Don Paterson, from his collection Rain.)

I think the mention of the ‘gray sound’ works particularly well in conjunction with the phrase ‘Thinking only darkens the whole tableau’ (although ‘tableau’ feels a bit artificial), but I find the simile of ‘the shadow of a great tablecloth’ too domestic and a bit bathetic if I’m honest. I can see the ‘tableau-table’ parallel, but don’t think it’s strong enough to warrant its inclusion. However, the tentative, idiomatic language (‘might’, ‘something else’, ‘at best’) and use of the subjunctive mood work very well in context. (And I’d change ‘if one was’ to ‘if one were’ – either’s acceptable, but ‘were’ reads and sounds better in context, I feel.)

I also found the ‘wakes at a kiss | and winks at a sob’ lines problematic. It seems out of sync with the mood, slows and confuses things. I quite like how the repetition of ‘something’ reflects the ‘barking’ in the first stanza, and I think it needs something there, so I don’t think cutting it completely is the answer, just rephrasing. And I don’t have a problem with ‘something else’ – its uncertainty expresses a lack of communication between the couple.

I’m not sure if the adjectives ‘dry and wrinkled’ add anything. The concision of just ‘some leaves’ expresses a fitting note of indifference, and one that the imaginative effort required to find two adjectives seems to contradict. Without them, it also slows the cadence for the conclusion.

But I think ‘the gift of a gift’ is a bit of a weak last line; maybe the pearl is nature’s ‘gift’, itself given as a specific ‘gift’ to the lover, but the whole idea of a ‘gift’ and its connotations of generosity and giving, seem to go against the more austere and sullen mood of the poem. Either way, it doesn’t seem to be the inevitable conclusion of the poem.

Anyway, that said, the poem shows your usual imaginative flair that I’m sure is more appreciated than the comments it receives. I haven’t noticed any of your comments on other people’s poems, so maybe if you did that, your own poems would receive wider attention.